Patricio.
it's been one whole entire year since your sudden arrival into my life; 365 days since my first evening spent with you. i still remember so clearly: it was seven thirty, and we sat down to play with a box of cards in the office, you on my lap, trying so hard to get the cards to fit into the box just right, me resisting the urge to help you, and instead reading the numbers on the cards in English. the clock’s hands pulled closer to 8:00 pm and you were starting to get a little crabby and i didn't realize it was probably past your bedtime. i was so unfamiliar with the world of little ones.
i must be honest, i wasn't really sure i wanted the job of taking care of you. it was kindof uncomfortable and altogether unexpected, having to step into the role of being one of three mama’s. i was nervous and unsure and utterly inexperienced, you truly my first attempt at mothering. i mean, it's one thing to live with teenage girls and have the label of "house mom" slapped on you (which really is more like big sister/mentor), but it's something else entirely to step into the role of caring for a two year old at the age of 22. i certainly wasn't ready, despite the whole female world around me getting married/having kids straight out of highschool.
Patricio, i know you were never truly mine- you were just placed under my direct care for a beautiful short nine months- but to me you'll always be my little monkey. you made me grow in ways no one else could have. you provoked feelings in me that i’d thought were too deep for me, too out-of-reach for my hard heart to feel. with you i began to dream of (and partially live) what life would be like as a mommy: waking up with you in the middle of the night when you were crying or sick, cleaning up poopy diapers (and clothes and beds), coaxing you into the shower when you were screaming in terror from past memories, letting your sweaty little body sleep on mine on the bus or in church, wiping away your vomit from your clothes and mine... slowly but surely i began to spiral incredibly in love with you. and not only that, but i started to understand the depth of my parents' sacrifices for me. i started to scratch the surface of comprehending the breadth of Gods love for His children. God taught me so many things in that season with you, little one.
best of all, He taught me how to love more intensely- He taught me to feel again.
Patricio, how in the world can i sum up how much you mean to me? i love who you are... your laugh, the way you ask for forgiveness, your compassion, how you’re so affectionate, how your eyes start to flutter close when you're on the brink of falling asleep, the way you run and love to play soccer, how you always want to involve others in what you're doing, how the drops of water cling inbetween your eyelashes when you’re in the shower, your little teeth, your dry crocodile tummy skin, the special way you play with your brother, when i ask you to do something and you respond with "okay", how intrigued you are by bugs and spiders but hate getting close to them, how your eyes spark when you get excited, the way you say my name.
all of you, all of the good and all of the not so good... it’s all just so deeply beautiful.
i'm not your main caretaker anymore, but i want you to know that you'll always have me here rooting for you, loving you, believing in you. last March you tipped my world upside down and shook it like no one else ever has before. you made my soul swell with love and my heart ache for my little ones to come yet. it doesn't matter how crummy my day has been, or if i’m in a bad mood... whenever i get to spend even a sliver of time with you, all else melts away and i begin to remember why i’ve turned my life over to Papá Dios.
i am so blessed to do life with you, sweetheart. you are going to be an incredible world changer.
and thank you Jesus, for this blessing and season of growth that i altogether didn't deserve.
