depths

i used to live in still water; a water body over which pond scum slowly accumulated, permeating the atmosphere with its disgusting smell and prohibiting the growth of new life. the lies i would tell were getting stuck in my throat, building up and choking out the flow of oxygen to my heart. the choices i was making were eroding away who i was meant to be; i was corroding and rusting. once in awhile i was able to break through the surface and come up for oxygen but i somehow always found myself slipping back under into the stagnant, chained to what was comfortable.

so when Jesus reminds me that He's making all things new, all things beautiful... that's not something i can just brush off, something i can just take lightly. He is redeeming- and will continue to redeem- my past. despite all the times i step outside of His will, He's right there to redirect me and woo me back to Him. granted, stepping out of His will carries grave consequences: due to decisions i have made, words i have said, things i have done, i'm still wrestling with healing and redemption today. but i haven't given up, because i know that it is possible. i've watched healing and redemption unfold in my life and in the beautiful lives of those around me. healing is a process, sometimes one that lasts a lifetime. and that's okay, because healing is the process of restoration; of making something new again.

i am no longer a body of stagnant water; once i reached the end of me, i could finally let Jesus come in and chip away at the walls i had so carefully dammed up, inviting me to be part of His wild rushing River, allowing His water to flow into me and from me; losing myself in His currents, washed clean by His waters.


while sometimes it's all too easy (and tempting) to fall back into old tendencies, i remember that murky pond much too well, and I refuse to let myself to sink into it again. reflecting back on the depths He's pulled me out from makes me so much more grateful that "the old has passed, the new has come; in Him, we are a new creation!"

He is the only one who gives meaning and life to us. He is the only one who can truly restore, can truly make new life come forth from black ashes, the charred remains of what we once thought to be great. friends, Jesus came not to condemn the world but to restore it. He is not finished with you yet. He will not leave you. you are a work in progress and He will be faithful to finish what He has started in you.

you're never in too deep for His love to reach.

greater things

i am starting to realize that greater things are possible.

that these dreams & passions inside of me were perhaps indeed

put there for something.

even though i view myself as utterly incapable 
to do anything relatively monumental,
i know i serve a God- Creator, Imaginer, Designer, Miracle-Worker-that only needs to speak to create.

that’s IT! He says it, & it’s done. it will happen. He has spoken and created.

with mere breath He gives life.

no clay is too hard for Him to shape.

that was something I wrote nearly a year ago after attending an incredible local conference with the older teen girls I once took care of, & it’s been a message that’s been ringing true in my mind ever since. it’s something we constantly need to be reminded of, because it’s far too easy to drown between the pages of our day-to-day lives, forgetting the importance of the [seemingly] mundane decisions we routinely make. remember that God builds lifetimes out of mere days; empires are built from mere grains of sand; the greatest forest fires start with a single spark. we forget that the little things we do will one day grow into driving catalysts.

I won’t lie to you; to the date, I still don’t see myself capable of doing anything monumental. but just like last year, I’m remembering that instead of focusing on my shortcomings, my lackings, and my defects, I need to shift my point of focus to the incredible and powerful God Who LOVES ME, Who promises to back me up if I follow Him. the God Who knows no limits. the God Who only needs to open His mouth and speak words to create an entire galaxy. if He can create something so breath-taking with a few words, what more can He do with my life- with yours? not only has He spoken words to create us, but if we have chosen to follow in His footsteps, we are given a direct connection to Him: He is our outlet. let’s not forget the titanic power in that!

something that the Spirit reminded me of the other day is that the level of His power in my life is directly correlated with my level of surrender to Him. reading over Zechariah 13:8-9, I stopped suddenly and asked God, “hey, what’s going to become of my life? will I remain faithful and devoted to you?” and the answer came in quiet yet compelling: “it’s up to you, Keti. it depends on how much of your life you decide to surrender to Me.”

I was left without words in that moment; dumbstruck.

translation: it’s up to me and how much control I’m willing to let go of, how much comfortable I’m willing to let go of, so that He is able to come in and do what He wants to do with my life, so that He is able to build an empire out of my measly grains of sand.

guys, I just want you to remember that you were created for great things. perhaps you’re already walking in them but your current perspective doesn’t allow you to see so. perhaps you’re not sure what those great things are and you’re in the process of seeking them out. perhaps deep inside of you, you know God has called you to great things, but you’re frozen in terror and don’t want to let go of the comfortable life you’ve constructed for yourself.

wherever you find yourself in this moment, just remember: the key is in your surrender. using the words of a wise friend, it’s not so much in the hardness of the clay, but rather if the clay is willing to be shaped or not. 

you're not beyond hope if your heart is willing to surrender.

even if you're afraid/unsure/doubful.... let go tonight; surrender to Something greater than you. let yourself be pulled under ocean waves and find yourself never wanting to see the surface again.

letters to my future daughters

beautiful daughter, I know you are a world changer. you, my little light, are absolutely breathtaking, and your beauty bursts forth from deep within you. I want you to grow up knowing that your voice matters, believing that your words have weight. and I have a few things I want to remind you of. they may sound strange to your lovely ears, because it seems so obvious to you, but I want to you to hear what I’m telling you and remember these words.

my daughter, no one has the right to place their hands on you without first asking your permission. even when mama and daddy changed your diaper when you were a baby, they would let you know what they were doing. now that you’re a little bit older and experiencing new things, new people, new places, this is a truth you must believe, and I’ll say it again: no one has the right to touch you without your explicit permission. even when you give your permission to somebody, you have the right to change your mind and take it away at any time. dear sunshine, remember that your body, your lovely body that enables you to do so many wonderful things, is not a toy for others to play with. your body is special. it is for you, and it must be treasured and protected. please remember this.

I want you to know also that your voice has power; your words have the ability to move mountains. not everyone may listen to them, my love, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak them. what you have to say matters, and I hope that you always use your words for good, or to stand up and fight for yourself or for others. when the time comes that somebody does things to you or others that you believe aren’t right, or say things that you believe are wrong, my child make some noise! speak up! do not hold back!

now, you must know that there are people in this world who will try to silence you. these people will tell you that you are being too loud, or too embarrassing, or too dramatic. my dear, don’t ever let these people sew your lips shut. speak all the more loudly and all the more clearly; let everyone hear. in doing this, you are standing up for yourself and for who you are, and you are reaching the ears of those who need to hear your words. do not allow anyone to convince you that you need to be quiet. you, daughter, need to be exactly who God created you to be: a warrior, a lover, a speaker and doer, a truth-teller, a justice-fighter. embrace fiercely who you are and who God has created you to be.

my love, as you grow older and more independent, no longer will I be able to walk by your side as often to protect you and encourage you. I sincerely wish I could, but I know I need to allow room for you to grow into the incredible young lady that God has invited you to be. I thank God for entrusting such a treasure like you into my care, and I hope that we both make Him proud.

please remember, my child, that you are royalty. not in the sense of being better than everyone else, but in the sense that you are called to be something great. it is much responsibility, but it is your Father who gives you the capability of doing what He invites you to do. so don’t spend much time with others who treat you like anything less. instead, be an example and show them how to act, reminding them that are called to be royalty just like you; and speak up, dear one, when you see something that is not right. you will change the world one word at a time. we all need to hear your voice of hope.

airport thoughts

my flight is two hours out and im not sure what to write about.

the soul-excavating lyrics of Bethel’s album “We Will Not Be Shaken” continues coursing steadily through my veins. my feet are going numb in a pair of mint green flip flops. and I’m kinda sick of the Dallas airport.

last night I missed my connecting flight and surprisingly, did not throw that big of a temper tantrum with God. while we were still up in the air, seeing everything from a much higher point of view, God made me think: if Christ came back right now, would you missing your flight really matter? the answer is almost laughable: of course not! it really is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

sometimes God uses these schedule-shakers to remind us to spend with, and focus on, Him. like a friend said to me the other day “imagine that God is waking you up at night because you haven’t spent time with Him all day and this is the only way you’ll listen to Him!” oops. isn’t that the case for so many of us?

<<who can compare to You? who moves my heart the way You do?>>
-bethel worship, who can compare to you

what if i can't?

sometimes it’s so hard for me to be obedient to God because i know He’s calling me to something far outside my comfort zone. it’s difficult for me to trust Him and to feel comfortable taking risks in His name.

so when i found myself alone the other day (a rare moment), i began to mull over the thought that always comes to attack when i’m about to be thrust outside my comfort zone:

“what happens if God asks me to do something, but He doesn’t do His part?”

like, what happens if i pray for somebody and I ask God to give me a word to share with them, but He doesn’t give me anything?

or what happens if one of my friends comes to me broken, but i have no in-the-moment profound Godly advice for them?

what happens if God asks me to share a specific word with someone on the street, but the word means nothing to them?

not even a minute goes has gone by since I think this when God whispers “what if you’re unable hear or carry out My instructions because your heart isn’t in the right place?”

whoa.

here i am, freaking out that God won’t come through, when the real reason for which i should be freaking out is because i haven’t invested into my relationship with Him lately. instead of having a nervous breakdown that He won’t speak, i should be more worried that my own ears aren’t open or receptive to His words.

that’s exactly my issue. and perhaps it’s yours, too. sometimes we worry so much that God won’t follow through on His promises, yet somehow we forget that He’s always true to His word and His timing is perfect. we forget that if we are truly chasing after Him, there should be no room for doubt. God wants open ears to hear Him. He wants wide-open eyes to see like He does. God wants a willing heart. He wants a willing, open, vulnerable, risk-taking heart, one that will be able to begin to understand His. once we get to that point, we’ll be so much more ready to run right into the the risks He calls us to, knowing not only that He is in control and will carry out His will, but that we are in tune with His heart. 

and what better place to be than to be in tune with Him.

His strength is made perfect in our weakness

i’ve been unable to encounter much oxygen lately. i won't say much except for that it’s mostly my fault; just a lack of prioritizing this time I’ve been given well.

so I’m sitting in first service worship today when God whispers, breaking His words over me like a water balloon.

keti.. it’s not all about receiving. hasn’t your heart said that it wants to give more? so give. you have received much. it’s time to start giving back and pouring out. in my frustrated human state of mind, I clenched my firsts and whispered back “God, what do I have to give right now?? i have nothing. i feel all used up.”

and He said “you have nothing to give.

but I do.”

suddenly i understood. do you know why i can’t give anything right now? because I’m depending on my strength. I am reaching inside of myself, hoping to find something to give to others, but continuously come out with empty hands. there is nothing within me to pull out. in order to give, I must allow myself to be filled with God. the well of His water never wanes, and always sustains. I must give from His reserves, for I have none.

so please do not tell me that i am strong. being “strong” is tiring, and in fact I wish to never be strong. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and i am terribly weak, and He is terribly strong.

the only way we’re going to make it is by depending on Him. friends, at the end of the day, we are so human. the negative thoughts that scurry across our minds, the bad attitudes that we swallow, the tears that we pretend never slip out… let’s be real, they happen to us much more often than we’d like to admit. even though I work in a ministry, and my service is in Jesus’ name, many times I don’t do it with my heart completely surrendered to Him. so how do I expect to pour into other’s lives if I’m not allowing Jesus to pour Himself into me? and not just on Sundays, or Tuesdays, or Fridays… but every day. each morning and night. each moment that I feel my strength draining, my heart slipping down out of my chest, my joy bleeding out of my fingers.

His strength is made perfect in our weakness. remind yourself of this truth. clamor to Him in your weak moments, in your happy moments, in your end-of-the-rope moments, in your best moments. we are never strong. but He always wants to use us, always wants to pour into us so that in turn we can pour Him into others. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 

it’s okay if you’re weak. just be willing to accept His strength.

potty training

so today i felt daring enough to start potty-training Patrick, the two-year-old under my care. round one was a complete mess… both literally and figuratively. three times in two hours he wet his pants. i think he’s afraid to use the toilet, 1)because currently it hurts to go potty and 2) it’s something new and he doesn’t have alot of control or training yet. but the third, and last, time was the worst by far. all of a sudden he just peed, right in the middle of the room, with both feet planted in the puddle beneath him. biting back frustration, i asked him “sweetheart, do you need to go to the toilet?” he clenched his jaw and said “no!!” watching the yellow drops raining down, i asked him again “are you going pee?” and straight to my face, he responded “no!!” i asked him again and got the same response, only much louder: “no! no! NO!!!”

i could have easily yelled back in that moment. in fact, i truly wanted to. but once again, God hit me over the head with the words “respond in love. he’s hurting. give him grace.” looking right into his eyes, i no longer saw defiance, but instead saw hurt and him knowing that he'd let me down again. so instead of shouting back, i smiled, reached in and gave him a hug. “come on, little one. let’s go to the bathroom and get you cleaned up.” as he sat on the toilet wiping away his tears, i repeated for the third time that he needed to tell me when he had to go potty. that it was okay to use the toilet, and even if it hurt, i’d be there with him. that i love him regardless of whether he pees his pants or uses the bathroom.

after cleaning him all up (and putting a diaper on) i held him close to me for a couple of minutes. because leaving your comfort zone just sucks, you know? sometimes it’s just really hard to transition. the funny thing is, i was just about to start writing this post, thinking i was this big saint for treating Patrick with so much grace, when God hit me over the head again. “you are just like Patrick sometimes, pumpkin.”

i had to laugh out loud. it’s completely true. what patience He has with me even as I’m lying to His face, thinking I can do it on my own, refusing to choose His way because it hurts. i can be so blind sometimes, and i am always so undeserving of the grace and patience and love He has with me as i’m struggling through new changes, new transitions. the biggest thing i really take out of this is that we are all broken, busted-up souls in need of grace. so maybe instead of snapping back at your coworker, take a minute to consider why they’re acting like that- do you know their background and what they’re dealing with? instead of walking away from your screaming child, step in and hold them close- you don’t know what words have been said to them by others when you weren’t around to protect them. we need to respond in love. this doesn’t mean that we should be doormats and just let things happen to us; but we need to demonstrate the love and kindness of God in that moment.

it’s real hard sometimes to see things from another’s perspective when we’re feeling offended ourselves, but we need to make an effort and not only see them how God sees them, but treat them like God treats them.

respond in love. we’re all broken and in need of grace.

like a kid again

wrapping up another busy day, I was sitting on the cool tile floor beginning to organize my closet when I heard God whispering “when are you going to spend time with Me today?” I pulled out my hand from within the cabinet, internally struggling with priorities and time management. I felt His words again. “hey keti… I want to spend time with you.” I knew I really needed time with Him, so I shut the smooth wooden doors and put off organizing pajama pants for another day.

slipping quietly into the hallway, I ducked under a window and lay on my back, running a finger along the rugged concrete wall, unsure of how to start. the way I normally pray is just by coming to God with whatever’s on my heart, and pausing every once in a while to gather my and His thoughts.

but this time I felt different.

I started thinking of how so many people say that Christianity isn’t a religion but a personal relationship with God. and from earthly experience, a strong relationship is held together by two committed people making an effort; it is not one person taking taking taking and the other person giving giving giving. it takes two. and there’s so many times I go to God just spewing my needs and not taking really much time to listen to His. what kind of relationship is that?

as I thought through that, the Spirit brought a new concept to my mind, suggesting I pray it. I hesitated, almost unsettled, but then prayed

God, what was something that made You happy today?
what was something you saw that broke Your heart?

and then I just waited for Him to respond.

I’ll admit, I felt kind of silly and childish. who am I, a mere mortal created by The Immortal, to ask God about His day?... a day, something that exists in my world but not in His. it’s almost like I’m asking Him to step within my limits.

or is it?

I think God is delighted when we ask Him personal questions. He knows then that we’re not coming before Him asking Him to make us feel better. He knows we’re coming to Him because we want to hear from Him, with hearts open and willing to hear.

this was the first time I think I’ve ever prayed that prayer. it’s taken me eighteen years to be a four-year-old child before God again. I know I need to pray it much more often, and allow time to really listen for His answer instead of moving on to the next thing.

setting apart our time to listen to the way His heart beats is one of the greatest ways we can show Him our love, and through doing that, we being to enter into a much deeper, more intimate relationship with the One who loves us more than we can imagine.

what's in your rooms?

it was nothing out-of-the-ordinary; two stories, halfway painted, rebar shooting off the top like fireworks… just another apartment complex being built in Mexico to accommodate for the exponential city growth. although common to see on our Sunday drives home, this time its frame seemed to jump out at me. or rather, what really jumped out was the emptiness that seemed to wrap around and constrict the building’s framework. and in the quiet seconds it took to notice and take in, God started speaking.

this skeleton of a building is a reflection of our own beings when we have not yet allowed God to touch us. ugly, empty, desolate, unfurnished. without a single touch of home that make us unique and special to those who live within. just another prototype with a short, unsatisfying life. when we let God in to have His way is when we will start to look more like a home, a sanctuary even, and less like just another mold. He designed us to serve a certain purpose and will furnish us accordingly: placing a rug here, a painting over on that wall, the chairs arranged just like this, even making careful decisions over such seemingly trivial things such as cut and design of silverware, amount of plates and coffee mugs, the way the curtains drape, and the strokes of paint placed over the drywall. we are His home, His sanctuary, and each one of us exemplifies His abundance of creative design in a very diverse manner. some of us are lakeside cottages and others are expansive mansions. some of us are small mud huts in Africa with one open room and others are multiple/floored pristine Victorian/era houses in Europe. some are trailer homes that pick up and change location every couple of months, and others are lovely ranches with concrete roots firmly planted into the solid ground beneath it. though all incredibly different both externally and internally, their significance is in the common factor that ties them all together: home. home. home.

within our walls God should feel at home. welcomed. at rest. blessed. comforted. joyful. free.

do our homes, and what is found within them, allow for that?

after speaking over these concepts with a friend, he unknowingly brought light to the truth that many times, the words that God speaks to our heart carry multiple layers that continue to speak to us over the discourse of weeks months and years. there was another layer to this house parable. he told me that many times these furnished homes have rooms with doors shut, even locked, to maintenance and change. so often we don’t want God to come in and see what we ourselves have accumulated in these rooms. we don’t want Him to see that we haven’t been cleaning, that we have allowed certain things to break, that we've pushed things under the carpet or the stains we’ve covered with the paintings that before had been carefully placed. so we cautiously close the door and decide to forget what’s inside. these locked/up rooms and what they contain quickly become stale, rotten, and begin to affect the framework of the house and even work their way into other rooms.

but

what would happen if you pulled that key of the necklace you wear close to your chest and used it to unlock the door you’ve so carefully pulled shut?

what if you asked God to enter it? to evaluate, analyze, and begin to restore and remodel what you’ve been so careful to hide?

He designed you for a purpose. quit being afraid to fulfill it. all of us have accumulated us extra, unneeded, damaging things from life and its circumstances, but throw open your doors and windows to God; draw back the shades and let Him come in and restore you. there is healing you need to find yet within the walls of your home.

 

a windy silence

i apologize for not having written recently.

the winds of life started to pick up and so i set down my pen, letting them pull me in different directions and trying to make sense of it. i’ve been struggling to get my thoughts organized and all that, but then i thought, ideas are prettier when they’re written raw.

so here’s what you missed in the interim of my windy silence: 

-three of my beautifuls graduated highschool early December: Angie, Rosa, and Susy. i was blessed to be invited to their graduation and had a lovely time watching them receive their diplomas, going out to a pizza buffet to celebrate, and capturing their joy and beauty through a camera lens.
//UPDATE: two of them, Susy & Angie, are now in La Viña (the ministry school that i studied at before starting my internship/staff jaunt at Living Hope International). it's SO wonderful to watch them grow and learn!!!

Susy, Rosa, me, & Angie

-Christmas Eve, our ten ladies and two of us supervisors went downtown with seven bags of sweet pastries and a big jug of strawberry milk, handing it out to street workers and homeless mothers. I cannot begin to express the sense of proudness I felt spill out of my chest to see them bless others with not only a yummy treat, but their huge smiles and special words, and to watch them receive appreciative smiles and words back.

-on New Years Eve, we had a special late night talk about our goals for 2015 and the things we wanted to change and improve. parts of their hearts previously kept hidden were brought out and illuminated that night, and it was encouraging to see the unity and strength between them. we wrapped it up praying for one another and turning over these intimate things into our Father’s hands.

-the beginnings of January, two beautiful girls from Minnesota came to serve and love for several weeks. having only walked past them and smiled last summer when they visited, this time we shared more than a quick greeting, and in the time i got to knew them, they quickly took up space in my heart. making (and keeping) friends is such a blessed thing.

Erika, the "ginger"

Dani, the "fake ginger"

-days after they departed, in the end of January, i was informed that there was going to be changes throughout the building, and many of the supervisors were going to be relocated into different dorms, due to the new interns that were coming in who needed experience. i suddenly found myself without little ladies to wrap my arms around, as i moved into a dorm consisting of all twentysomething women: half staff, half college girls. the change hit hard and unexpected, but i knew it was God getting ahold of me. the day of the big move, we held an hour-long taco party, just us four supervisors and our ten girls, reminiscing over the last year’s good and bad, sharing tears and laughs. our little band surprised us at the end, pulling out drawings specific to each one of us house moms, with a special note from each one of them written on the back. it was such a bittersweet, beautiful moment, as was the goodbye that followed.


since the change, I have been floundering around a bit: trying to get a grip on my priorities, balancing work between what's urgent and what can wait for tomorrow, taking on new small projects, and trying to encounter more of Jesus’ heart in me. and through all the hardness of my heart and bits and pieces of it floating around, there’s something new emerging, a new chapter slowly being written after i thought the most important one had come to a close.

life’s been good folks, but there’s something new rushing in, and I’m a bit excited for it.