“Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can’t take it in all at once.”

—	Audrey Hepburn

so i find myself here, the floor strewn with paper clothes and books, overwhelmed, overheated, and drowsy-eyed. i haven’t written in awhile, and that’s because this month back has been a flurry of nearly non-stop activity.  i am a mere three days away from returnal to home.

i said it. home.

i cannot, in all honesty, call this town or state home anymore; i suppose i cannot correctly call any place my true home; but Mexico is where I find my thoughts and heart always gravitating towards.

i haven’t had time to sit down and absorb the depth (almost the somberness) of what’s happened to me in the past month in the States. it is all slowly starting to catch up in my head (i have a difficult time processing almost anything, really). the support I have received, even from people i don’t know or haven’t talked to in years, is unreal. i did not expect people to give so easily or with such heart and kind words, but they have. today, after reading the poster i put up at our rummage sale, a lady came up to me and said “I don’t have much, but take this,” and handed me a dollar. i said thank you, and she continued to look around with a friend she came with, but didn’t buy anything. she didn’t have much to start with, and what she did give me, she gave before looking around for something to spend it on. what heart. i've got some lessons to learn.

yesterday i spent six hours with my closest group of friends- this hadn’t happened since i'd left in February. things have changed and shifted between us, like they always do, but some of the ways have been more heavy than others. i got so nervous beforehand i had to lay on the floor and take deep breaths, haha- it sounds silly to me now, but it’s what i did. and we all enjoyed our time together, as much as you can when you know that after these couple hours, everything will be different- everything already is different. for the last hour, we just sat around, asking “remember when?”s and telling stories and poking fun. it felt like zero time had passed and that everything, just for a bit, was normal again. but then I had to leave- say goodbye- realize, truthfully, (and i hate to be a downer) that this was probably our last time all together.

see, goodbyes have always been such a big deal for me. like so final. in the past, i have tried to pump them full of encouragement like steroids, to share every last little detail on my heart and how this person affected my life. it sounds kinda woman-y, all dramatic and emotional, right? but what i’ve come to realize is that I should have been telling them those things all throughout our friendship. i shouldn’t finally just blurt out the truth right before i walk out. that’s stupid, and cowardly. but so we said goodbye, as i’m leaving for Mexico for a year, the boys are off to big-league college in another city, and little sister starts a new chapter in her life while trying to find a way to still get over and through the past one.

too many transitions and goodbyes in a short frame of time can really wear a person out. i am just so tired of it.

how do you say goodbye to the three souls who
have defined the word home for you
for the past seven years? 

....i’m still figuring that one out. let me know your thoughts.

cheers to generous hearts and the ability of a human spirit to get so close to another's. 

there are entire worlds inside of us

it never ceases to amaze me, never stops leaving me dumbstruck, the depth of people, the utter complexity of the worlds living inside them.
like, you can see someone from afar, or even live with them day-to-day, see them in passing every so often, and not know what they carry inside. the gravity of who they are.
i mean it's unreal the sheer intricacy of the human soul. all the experiences and passions and dreams (literal and figurative) and words and actions that add up into this galaxy, yet it's all contained within
                                                 one
                                                                      body.
and if you choose to judge that body, that person based on their outside shell, you are missing so much. if you select the one encounter that you shared with them as the definitive point for who they are.. you've got it all turned around. there is a past stretching nearly forever backward that has brought this person to this exact point that they're sharing with you now.

keep that in mind the next time you find a cashier being a little short with you.

but it just.. makes me sad at how much i've missed. people absolutely fascinate me, and i really ought to be less hasty when i jump to conclusions, or point and laugh solely based on what a stranger is wearing, because they are literally an entire world unexplored. people are like books, encyclopedias even- imagine thumbing through every page, getting to know every last intimate detail, memorizing the fractures and the added glue, the scars, the remnants of loss, the sparks of hope, leading up to this exact moment in time. 

but that's how God knows us.

He's been there the entire time. each of us is a universe that He breathed life into. you are made for Him. your universe is meant to reflect His glory, His unmatched beauty. let yourself reflect brilliantly, and find your universe overlapping and intertwining with the universes of others as you pursue His presence. 

a gem in Matthew 15

"After Jesus returned, he walked along Lake Galilee and then climbed a mountain and took his place, ready to receive visitors. They came, tons of them, bringing along the paraplegic, the blind, the maimed, the mute-- all sorts of people in need-- and more or less threw them down at Jesus' feet to see what he would do with them. He healed them. When people saw the mutes speaking, the maimed healthy, the paraplegics walking around, the blind looking around, they were astonished and let everyone know that God was blazingly alive among them. But Jesus wasn't finished with them."
-Matthew 15:29-32

Yesterday I was reading this chapter and found these two verses so powerful. Jesus was healing these multitudes of people that were coming to him, from all over- people who were desperate yet hopeful. He had the power to heal within Him, so He did.

But he didn't stop there. 

The following verses go on to say that He didn't want to leave the people hungry-- "I hurt for these people. For three days now they've been with me, and now they have nothing to eat. I can't send them away without a meal- they'd probably collapse on the road (v. 32)." I think this is both literal and figurative- the people needed nourishment for their empty stomachs. But in this i find direction for giving spiritual sustenance as well-- sometimes, yes, all people need is the salvation prayer... Yet alot of the time, i can't help but wonder if people are at a loss for what to do next.

like, now what? 

We ought to continue connecting with them (if possible), and if not, direct them to a local church, or people in the surrounding area, that will keep encouraging them in this step of faith they have made. Because people aren't just a tally that you mark off on a religious scoreboard- theyre handcrafted by Christ, made for community and support.

Our job isn't finished when they say amen and open their tear-filled eyes.

Had Jesus left them be after He'd healed them, "they'd probably collapse on the road." We need Jesus to keep working in us after He heals us. It isn't like a one-hit wonder: one magical touch and you're free to roam the countryside as you please! No. Jesus should never be finished with us, because without His presence, we are destined to fall and collapse and need His touch all over again.

being back

so i've been back in Sauk for a bit, and everything is a whirlwind- trying to orchestrate fundraising for my this upcoming year internship, gutting my room, sorting belongings, going on shopping trips with Mom as we pinch our pennies, catching up with old friends. i haven't had time to turn on the tv, and quite frankly, i have no desire to. there are books, both written and unwritten, strewn around my room, and my fingers long to crack them open, but neither is there time to do that. i need to budget my time better. all the slivers of time are already filled in with other things. tomorrow i will take a deep breath and try to find the brakes.