Esmerelda (Esme) is the one in the front with the ridiculously huge smile, then Alma, and in back, Rosa. the girls wanted to snag my ipod for an afternoon and take pictures all over the EV campus. their creativity and silliness both inspires me and makes me feel at home.

"my home is in your hearts.." -We Came As Romans

a misty monday

there has been a quiet fog that has been pulling itself around our shoulders today. the nature of it is soft and drowsy, barely noticeable, and there is a quiet lightness in the air. it calls me to be introspective, and i must believe that this is a spiritual passing.

my soul has been in unrest for this last week, weaving its way back and forth through earlier memories, trying to bind me back to my past.

but today, moving amidst these low-hanging clouds, they seem to insulate against all my nostalgia and home-ache. today i have not been assaulted by my yesteryear. and so i am open to focus less on myself and my creaky bones, and more on my girls and their fractured hearts. not that it's always so obvious that the fissures are there, but i feel it everytime we're all together in one place, speaking in serious tones. the heaviness in each one of our spirits is there-- we all have a certain heaviness weighting our reality. i am not alone in my struggle, nor should i allow my struggle to outweigh theirs. we are here to be echoes of Christ to one another, exhaling hope into the drizzling darkness.

so i must thank my God- for showing me His reassurance through the words of others; for serenely sheltering me with this dreary-yet-dreamlike weather; for loving and pursuing me despite my ever-straying heart.

He wants you and I to be free.

like my wise friend Esmirna Aranda gently reminded me yesterday-

"the victory is in your hands... it's just up to you do something with it."

honest thoughts

this past week has been a really difficult one for me. I stumbled and floundered and struggled a lot more than I expected. it was growing pains, really, because if there’s one thing I avoid, it’s mistakes. i hate making them, because they mean that you get yelled at and people get disappointed in you and you’ve got to admit them and say sorry and own up to your incapabilities.

                sometimes you get stuck in this frame of mind where all your faults are illuminated, and you walk with shoulders slouched forward, head to the ground, practically breathing in the dirt, believing you’re hardly worth it. the only thing you can focus on is the clumsiness of your feet.

                can I be real about the thoughts that run through my head? I’m not sharing them to earn pity or to hear your encouragement. i want you to know that we’re battling the same garbage. some days I think I’m a sorry excuse for twenty- college drop out, only held one job (as a cashier, much less), lived with my parents, had easy/little responsibilities, not at all well-versed in the adult world. I screwed with not only my own head but another’s as well, another who meant more to me than the ocean, for two straight years, refusing, again, to take responsibility or look at the titanic damage I was doing in two people’s lives. seriously. for the last half of my life, I have only been telling parts of the truth, only showing pieces of me that were safe or not-so-deep, not wanting to expose anything a shade darker than gray. the reality is I have a tendency to lie so I don’t get in trouble, so people still think I’m real enough to be human but still good enough to be a Christian. for my entire life I have always tried to make everyone happy by being funny. If I can make them laugh, I think, then they will like me. No wonder I wind up feeling shortchanged half the time- it’s because I’m never willing to be serious. I’m never willing to get real. Never willing to be open and vulnerable.

these are the thoughts that run through my mind; the thoughts that so often assault us. 

and what i must always remind myself of is, that quit floundering in your mistakes, in your shortcomings. there is a God that makes up for it all, infinity times over. He wants where you're at- He gets that you're human, but He also knows how the incredible potential that is sleepily awake inside. this is why these thoughts come, because Satan as well knows our incredible potential, and will try to destroy that in any way he possibly can. our thoughts are so easy to intrude and manipulate and they can destruct us so simply and effectively. 

awaken, my soul.

 it's not me...

                    it's Him.

i’m starting to believe that life is a series of viajes; and the point is not to keep turning back to revisit the amazing places you’ve been, but to savor these amazing places when you’re in them, and to forever pursue new adventures in unexplored lands. because you can get so caught up in the places of the past, the magical memories you’ve planted, but if you stay locked in that mindframe of settlement, you’re going to lose out on the ever-expanding magic that's awaiting you up ahead.

know what ?

i love my hijas. even though sometimes they exhaust my patience reserves, i truly love doing life with them.