thoughts on being 20--rough copy.

age is such a fickle thing. birthdays never make you feel any older, and a lot of the time you still feel stuck in your 17 year old body, your 16 year old mind. age is something you can use to shame yourself into self pity "oh look, he's seven and has already changed the world, and I'm 20 and do nothing but sit on my couch, eat, sleep, and cry." something I have to remind myself of when i age-shame myself is that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30, and then only did it for 3 years till His death and resurrection. the legacy He left AFTER His life lasted so much longer. so calm down, keti. it's okay to feel young. this is a time of preparation. 

self reflection. at age 20, I am growing into a woman. I'm not completely there, but I feel the change, the cultivation inside of me. I am comfortable with my body- five years of bodyshaming and the last two with timid acceptance have brought me to a state of peace with this outer shell. 

I know that being alone recharges me, but I don't always crave aloneness. 

I know that I have a deep desire to live in community, because it is in community that there is growth. 

I take pride in whatever art I create, be it a piece of writing that nails exactly what I need it to, or a picture that pinpoints perfectly the beauty i want it to represent, or an idea out of nowhere that others build into a masterpiece, or even a stinking outfit ensemble. haha. expressing ourselves in an honest manner is what I think alot of us strive for. 

life is too short to not eat food that tastes good- period. ;) and running isn't always the worst thing in the world.

I've also learned that nothing lasts forever. life is full of interims. accepting this is going to help you transition so much easier. take time, lots of little snapshots, while you're in each era, so you don't look back and find your heart filled with sadness. you'll have a collection of memories, beautiful moments, encouraging you to move forward and collect more. 

22.5.13

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated, I know. Sorry about that!

This past Sunday, we went to a get-together at the house of one of our viñeros, Oscar, whose parent’s hosted it (obvi). It was for the youth, including us. The best part about it was that all the food was home-made and endless. I can’t tell how you how fantastic it was to consume two plates of home-cooked deliciousness. We had chicken mole (a spicy chocolate sauce), rice, creamy fried peppers, and a bunch more. After we were all super full, we sat and sipped coffee and ate cake and laughed at dumb jokes and the little kids running around. It was really relaxing and a good connecting time.

            The Friday before this, right before youth group, I had sent an email cutting off a friendship with someone who’s been inscripted into my bones for the past seven years. There were a lot of reasons building up to this, but I finally did it, received an answer within ten minutes, and that was it; the end. It was heavy. Thirty minutes later, we started youth group by praying for each other’s needs in small groups, lifting up to God what was on our hearts, and then started worship. Not joking, the three songs that were played were all three of my favorite worship songs. This doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but to me, it was incredibly personal- like my God wanted to woo me, bless me, and provide for me; He wanted me all for Himself. Worship time lasted for an hour, and it was amazing to see the Spirit of God sweep down over all of us- people were kneeling on the floor, others filled to the top with joy praising the Lord, some praying for and ministering to others. I got lost inside the songs and really felt the desire of God to win my heart over. It’s something I’m started to learn- I can do nothing good, nothing of eternal value, apart from being lined up with God, completely sold out for Him.

            Okay, today ! We got to cook in the kitchen (the girls) from 8 till 2, but I got pulled out at 10 to help the teenage girls with cleaning the group house for the group that’s coming next week. Me and Karen had the girls’ side, so we swept, cleaned bathrooms, and mopped. I shared about how 8 out of the 10 people in our Viña got accepted for internships here (me included- wheee!), and what we’ll all be doing. I asked about her plans for the future, and she told me she likes it here and likes working with younger kids, but she has dreams of going to other places in her country, working at a church and just being used completely, in line with all the talents God has given her, adopting children and possibly working at another orphanage. It was inspiring to see how deeply she wants to be used and is willing to go to other places to expand even further the Kingdom of God.

Then at 1’oclock, me and Alisha went to the office to call our parents about getting our visa process started (Mexico just changed a ton of policies for that, so it’s a new procedure now, and more confusing at the moment). We talked with an intern who lives in Minnesota about all fundraising together, just bouncing ideas off each other, seeing what would work.

The teenage boys came back from the market after lunch, so while our boys washed dishes, we sat outside and talked with the kids and sorted the vegetables and fruit. Irvin (9 years old) asked me to help him sort a box of fruit (between ripe and too-old), and it was just a precious moment sitting on the cement with him, asking him whatever came to my mind, and joking a bit. I don’t see him smile as much as I used to, so it’s sweet to see that smile brim over his face once in a while. During this time, I also ate three mangos (everyone teases me about eating so much, but it’s just fruit!!), which was a bad call, since we had to run 7 kilometers at 5 o’clock (20 minutes later). Here’s the thing: apparently mangos pass straight through me. Wink wink hint hint. I left the bathroom at 4:55 still feeling unsure of my stomach situation and Fabian’s all like “we’re going to run and it’s going to take an hour.” Perfect, I’m thinking. So I’m trotting along with my back doors shut real tight, barely able to keep up with the others. Thank goodness I didn’t have any escapism issues, but i had stomach pain for almost the whole time and had to take constant walking breaks. I’M NOT A WIMP, I JUST ATE TOO MANY MANGOS, OKAY?!  Haha. Anyways, I learned my lesson from that one, to have self-control and learn to eat during times where lots of physical movement isn’t going to follow immediately. Note to self.

humanity and transparency- 10.5.13

this week has been a week full of tears. Not necessarily bad ones, but the ones you cry when you are experiencing growth, be it painful, needed, or avoided. And they weren’t all mine either, although some of them were- moreso witnessing the guts of others spill out into the open, those sometimes rare glimpses into the fragile humanity of those around you.

            This week, we had several hours of ministry for all of us, essentially a time where we individually spoke with two leaders (females with females, males with males) and expunged things on our hearts that had damaged us- things that have stunted growth, held us back, kept us captive.  I was the second-to-last girl, watching most of the others come back with watery eyes and weak smiles who were feeling that bittersweet feeling, finally finding freedom after having wallowed in pain and shame. I spoke with Ivonne and Sandra- we opened up by praying, then I voiced three matters that had weighed heavy on my heart, and was surprised to find that they had struggled with much of what I had/still do. They invited me to pray and ask forgiveness, and then they prayed for me, that God would liberate me and get rid of all that was eating away at me, make me new. I left feeling untied; amazed, as well, because there are some things that shame me to share with anyone, and finding that not only was I not judged for it, but someone else had battled with the same thing… that was a big encouragement. I think that when people begin to be honest with each other, allowing themselves to be transparent without fear of judgment, that is where you find true beauty in the human condition.

            The founder of Esperanza Viva, Jerry McNally, spoke to us for an hour on Thursday night. What stood out most to me was the part in his story when he found himself back in his old church, after six months on the mission’s field, everyone looking at him as if he were a worm for coming back. He put his head down in frustration, clamoring to God, “God, I feel like a worm. I don’t know how to deal with this pressure of the opinions of others.” And he started to see this vision in his mind, of God seated on the throne in front of him, wearing this amazing crown, indescribable. And Jerry was approaching the throne, coming closer to God, when he realized that he was wearing a crown as well. And God looked at Jerry and said “My son, you are a king.” As Jerry uttered these words to us, his eyes were tinting red with tears, even though this had happened over twenty years ago- this experience was so moving, so profound, that it continues to impact him today. It impacted me hard, because Jerry is such a strong man, preaching and following God fiercely, and I’ve never seen a vulnerable side to him.

            Three of us viñeros hold a theater class for the kids every Friday, working with about fourteen of them. We were practicing this particular Friday, the last practice time we had before the next day’s performance. The kids, of course, were squirrelly because it was after lunch, not really wanting to keep repeating it out in the hot sun. We kept having to redirect Eric’s attention to his part of acting like Satan, instead of rocking out on an air guitar or staring up into the sky. All of a sudden he just walked out, and didn’t come back. Us three were super disappointed, since he’s the oldest of the group and sets the biggest example for everyone, not to mention we had to find someone else to sub in for him for the next day. Long story short, Toño took his spot, and the performance went really well. The next Friday, we had a celebration time for the kids, with Mango Tang and three bags of Cheetos. Eric had returned, but was mostly listless and refusing to eat or drink any of the snacks. After class, he was sitting by himself on the bench, and me, Angie, & Oscar confronted him. Literally for the first five minutes, he wouldn’t say a word. Angie kept saying “Hey Eric, speak! Are you going to talk to us or not? How’re we sposed to help when you keep your lips shut? Don’t act like a child- tell us what’s going on.” Finally, through boy tears and stuttered, mumbled words, he told us last Friday there’d been a problem in his dorm that he’d been upset and frustrated out, and that translated to him walking out on practice. Of course we told him that if he’d had told us, we’d have let him go and cool down without a problem. I told him that he has a lot of influence with the other kids, and that he ought to keep that in mind and use it to set a good example for others. He nodded, and we asked him to talk to us if he had any problems in the future, and that was it. It was just really touching to see one of the older boys start crying because they’d felt bad about what had happened.

            All this to say, let your guard down. Enter into honesty with others, and be surprised how much it will deepen and enrich your relationships. Many times we live under the lie that if we keep everything inside, seem like we’ve got it all together, then no big deal, we’re okay. No one needs to see our guts. But this is so untrue! Open your lips, let truth spill from them, and I think you’ll find that many of us are struggling with the same problems, keeping the same secrets, hiding from the same demons. If you don’t bring these dark areas of your life to the light, bring these wounds, these struggles, out into the open, they’re never going to heal. Let yourself regain your strength by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and weak. 

1.5.13

Today was pretty incredible. It was our evangelism day, the one we’d been working on planning since Monday, and we got the privilege of being a part of demonstrating the love of God for others. Half of us were split into two teams: me, Esmi, Lalo, Angie, and Manuel.  Before we went to downtown Cholula from 10:30-1, we prayed for about fifteen minutes before, over the signs and our hearts and others’ hearts.  When we arrived, we set up a bench and three chairs, carrying signs that said “Come!-Are you searching for something out of the ordinary?- We have something for you!” Our main purpose was to minister to others, praying a blessing on their lives or for whatever need they may have, and asking God for a prophetic word for them (like I mentioned in my earlier blogs, prophecy is basically listening to the heart of God and transmitting it to the person it’s directed to, with words that have to the purpose encourage, console, and exhort). I believe we had about fifteen people pass through in total, some coming in families and others singley.

There were two women that stood out specifically in my mind, because we were able to talk and share a lot with them and them with us. One of them, Virginia, sat down with her son who had eyelashes a kilometer long, and as we prayed for her, I felt as if there were someone in her life that she was angry with, someone that had disrespected her. Then I saw a really elegant bench, like God wanted to give her rest. When we opened our eyes to share with her, Angie said that she’d felt as if there was a lack of forgiveness in her heart, like she needed to forgive someone in life. I shared what I had experienced as well, and Virginia then told us that she was struggling hardcore with forgiving her mother for something she’d done. She added that a Christian woman had approached her yesterday as well and talked to her about this, and that she didn’t think running into us today was a coincidence. “I just.. it’s really difficult to forgive her. I don’t think I can.” I shared with her that there was someone in my past with whom I’m still struggling to forgive, and that to forgive someone is not always something you feel all the time, but rather a decision you make, and one you have to make a lot, to leave what happened in the past and move on without this big burden on your back. Esmi shared that in forgiveness there is freedom, and that with the power of God in our lives we can find the strength to forgive these people that have hurt and damaged us.

The last lady that we spoke with last sought us out, without us having to say anything to her. “What’s the deal here? I want to hear about what you’ve got that’s out of the ordinary. There’s always people here in the park with signs like ‘free hugs’ and whatnot, but what’re you guys about?” Esmi explained to her that we were here praying for people and asking God for words to share, and the lady said “Well I could use some prayer. I’ve got a problem about as big as me. Will you guys pray for me?” And with that she sat down and smiled at us expectantly. We were encouraged, asked her name, and lifted her up in prayer. After a minute or so, we began to share with her what we’d sensed. Esmi had felt a verse put on her heart that was one of encouragement for the lady, to search out God and He would give her rest. I had seen a super ripe tomato on a vine, literally at the point of explosion, like it needed to be picked or else it would go to waste. I wasn’t sure how to interpret this so I just said what I saw without adding anything, and she said that it represented just being full of the world’s pressures and them bottling up. Manuel added that if we don’t take time to rest in Christ and share with him our struggles and battles, we’re going to explode. Angie had seen a place that was full of problems and struggles, but a Hand that had come down and was uprooting these problems, taking them out of her life.            

 The lady was super encouraged by what we shared with her, and said that right now she was struggling with her fourteen-year-old who was going through a rebellious streak and she didn’t know how to handle that situation, and moreso that she’s a single mom with three kids and it’s always a fight to provide. She shared with us some things she had lived through where she had seen the provision of God, even though she wasn’t a Christian, but sought out peace in churches, and cried out to God one day after endless job-searching that she was done searching and God just ought to take care of it cus He has the power, and three hours later she got a phone call offering her a job. We could feel she had a lot of faith, but just not necessarily planted in the roots of God.  Esmi shared with her the salvation message and our overall need for Christ, and invited this lady to pray with her, and she did! It was awesome. And she asked us how she could keep in touch with us, so we gave her our facebooks and the facebook of our church as well, and invited her to that. We left Zocalo pretty floored at the way God moves.

When we got back, we washed dishes for an hour and a half and cleaned the kitchen. Then we had an hour of free time and then an hour of exercise, which I got to skip cus I was fasting until supper, whee! :) haha. So I took these sixty minutes to just pray and continue to seek out what God has planned for my life. In the midst of praying, I had an impression of seeing myself leading a small group of young women, getting to know them and knitting our lives together, sharing struggles and life together. It was really neat, cus that’s something that’s on my heart to do. Another thing I pulled from this time that was from God is you need to settle. Like I need to plant myself down somewhere for a decent period of time, instead of acting like this vagabond, wandering from place to place- college for a year then dumping it, working at camp for three weeks, working for six months, La Viña for four months, taking life as it comes. I need to settle, to let my past catch up to me and to confront + deal with things I’ve been running from, to heal and to grow, and to grow up. I’m not quite sure of the place I need to put down my roots, although I have a tentative idea, and am waiting for God’s confirmation or re-direction.

I was delighted when supper finally rolled around- extra happy because we were served fried platanos, my favorite!! We were eating all together and Brayan asked “Anyone want some of mine?” and of course I jumped and said “Yes, me!” and thanked him twice, and he’s like “Of course, you’re my carnalita.” Aww. Each day it’s beautiful to watch the brotherhood between us ten different souls grow, whether it be seeing each other’s angry sides (which admittedly isn’t so beautiful, haha) or hearing crazy stories or sharing ideas or what’s on our hearts or things we don’t understand about God. The dynamics are smashingly lovely. 

just two facts

My nickname here is Ave, which means bird. I’m pretty sure it started when me and Brayan were running around in Zocalo for one of the evangelism outings back in March, making bird noises.  The boys use it a lot but so does Andrea, and one of the funniest things was when Brayan returned my ipod to me, and when I went to reset my alarm, I saw the message “hey ave, wake up, it’s time to fly!” Sometimes it gets annoying, like when Lalo shouts it every five seconds, but usually not really.

One other hilarious thing was the other day when I walked into class and sat behind Lalo. I was wearing a blue grandma sweater that I bought at a rummage sale with a blue skirt and a gold necklace. Lalo turns to me and says “You like to dress that way, don’t you? In older clothes. And it doesn’t have anything to do with your nose ring or your undercut. You’re pretty odd.” I had to laugh out loud. Nicole, if you’re reading this, more power to us. These are the compliments we live for ;). 

30.5.13

Today I am struggling with my life back in the States. If I’m being honest, I miss it, and sometimes this road I’m walking seems stressful, forever busy, and never-ending. Some days my heart is so heavy, and I don’t feel redeemed, and I get tangled up in my feelings and thoughts. I think I’m irritable right now because I’m tired and fasted today (except for supper) and will be doing the same tomorrow. I really want to make it a point to God that I’m willing to give up worldly things to draw closer to Him, that I want to seek Him out and put Him first, but sometimes I just have a shitty attitude about it and need Him to change my heart, my perspective.

MaryBeth left today, full of smiles and tears and hugs, and I sincerely hope and pray the best for that lady. It’s weird watching someone you’ve lived with leave, noting the absence of their presence in the bed across from you, the emptiness of the closet that once held their belongings. I know that that will be me in two months, and I can imagine the feelings she is experiencing right now.

Today I listened to my own advice and took more or less advantage of my time with the adolescent girls, helping one with her math homework, giggling with others about imitating American-accented Spanish, and sharing stories of hair and people we know. I really enjoyed spending time with them, learning patience with the math problems, and working around communication deficits [in me].

Listening to Anberlin right now is provoking nostalgia, not necessarily because of the last time I listened to them (because these are new songs) but because of the lyrics and their gravity, and I just miss my friends back home[s]- the Sauk core four and our undeniable laziness yet constant contentment with each other; the sweet air of Fort and the ever-present possibility of adventure amongst the most interesting of friends; the sandy wet edge of Lake Michigan with my sisters and their families; Nicole’s apartment in the Cities and the beautiful mix of people that live within those walls. Home is such an interesting concept to me, and how it is not necessarily a place but moreso a feeling you get when you’re with people who know your soul, with those whom you share countless memories and laughter, along with tears and disenchantment, the same details of heartbreak and joy imprinted on multiple sets of hearts. Someday I want to write a piece on how captivated I am by this concept, but for now, I will continue to build yet another home here in Mexico, amidst toothy smiles, contagious laughter, consistent encouragement, and most importantly, the all-consuming love and purpose and sovereignty in Christ. 

29.4.13

Shoot. Today was choc-full. This morning, we had breakfast and then kitchen clean-up, and then a one-hour individual devo after that. Today, God spoke through 1 John 3 about how I ought to be motivated out of love to reach out to others, instead of being motivated out of fear. For example, a lot of times I feel like I ought to go up to someone new and talk to them, for the motive that it’s something that I am [irrationally] afraid of- whereas in reality, I should be approaching the person because God is deeply in love with them and wants to use me to show them that love.  

Bueno. After this, we had our Extreme Challenge at 10. We were blindfolded right outside of our dorms, and led outside of Esperanza Viva grounds, and Josh guided us by voice- for about an hour- until we wound up in a big excavated hole. We were not permitted to remove our blindfolds, and all held hands to stick together. Keep in mind this is not a Mexico barrio, but Mexican countryside- potholed roads with big puddles, tilled fields, tall plants, ditches, various trees; essentially nothing super-civilized. At the bottom of this hole, Josh told us we were now on our own- he had us all spin separately in ten circles, and then try to find our way back.
Here’s me: “…………..”

So we knew first of all that we had to get out of this hole. When Gustavo found the edge, he started helping people climb out, and a lot of it you had to feel by your hands on the way up. Then we didn’t really have any clue where to go, so Josh gave one or two of us the chance to take our blindfold off and look in the direction we were standing. When he asked me to take mine off, it was blinding at first haha, and all I could see was that we were still in part of the hole…which didn’t really help anyone ;). Finally we made it all the way out, and then it felt like we were just going in circles- everyone pulling in different directions, thinking that they had the right sense of bearing. Josh was still with us, but only keeping us from falling into ditches or into more holes. He would also give someone sight every once in a while, but then he put on a rule where the person who was given sight couldn’t speak, only lead. So we asked the person yes-or-no questions, with one clap being yes and two being no. Anyways, to make a long trip full of falls, tripping, dirtiness, shouting, and pulling, short­­- we arrived finally, jumping and shouting and so happy we could finally rip our blindfolds off! We ripped our socks off as well, and slugged down water as we talked about what we learned from the past three hours. We thought it was similar to the way we are with God- it’s super easy to get detoured or derailed, and the chances we get to see His will, His desires clearly, we need to take advantage of them and run after them with all we have, because if we wait, we’re going to lose sense of direction.

Well after this, we had lunch, noodles and quesadillas with peppers and fried meat. Heck yeah. I went for double. After this, we met back together with Josh and talked about the past week and how we felt and what we’ve been learning. Then, we planned for our evangelism outing on Wednesday, which we’ll be doing for most of the day (I’ll try to write about that too).  Then supper, wheee, and we met with some of the staff and the interns, and talked about life after La Viña- I pulled a lot of good advice from that hour. Brayan asked a question that had been riding on my heart, which is basically “I feel pulled in both directions- there’s this balance between what my parents tell me (to go to school and study) and what my pastors are telling me (to stay and do this internship). And I look at both of these things, and think of the good that could come from the both of them, and also the limitations that both of them carry. And I can’t..  I can’t land on one clear answer. And I just want God to reveal to me His Will.” To this, Josh answered that sometimes God leaves decisions up to us, like there’s more than one road to arrive where God wants to bring us. The best thing is to continue to ask and seek out God, and in His time He is going to reveal to us parts of our future, His promises to us. Nancy also added that we shouldn’t start something new without finishing what we have been working on. This made me think of my schooling back in the States, that I had started my degree in Spanish + Sociology, but had dropped out after a year (to come here ;P). Which is valid, but the thing is that I don’t necessarily have an obligation to complete my education. My loans are paid off, and no one’s going to cry if I don’t go back. So… I’m going to continue to seeking out God and what He wants. What I’ve been learning this week is that, whatever He calls us to, it doesn’t matter the circumstance or conditions or finances or whatever, He is going to complete His calling in us, and it is only through Him and His power we can complete it. But overall, He will provide a way, whether it is obvious or supernatural. And so right now, I just want His calling, His anointing, so that I follow after it with all that I have. 

27.4.13

I honestly can never remember week to week what we do, haha. One of my favorite parts of this week was some of the boys calling me their “carnalita”. They call each other carnal, which means almost the same thing that it does in English, flesh, but here it means brother or family, as in flesh and blood. And when you add –ita­ to a word, it means smaller, so carnalita basically means “little flesh and blood”. Dawwh :). To me, family signifies community and a place of home, and that’s really what I feel like we’re creating here.

            Angie cut my hair tonight, even though she’s never done it before in her life, only watched it. I was skyping with Nicole before she did it, and asked if I should let her, and Nicole’s response (my favorite) is “Duh, of course. Live big.” So I did, and it didn’t turn out so bad.

            I can hear a storm rolling in, and it makes me nostalgic, makes me desire fewer rules so I can go outside and be a part of it. I haven’t spent intimate time with God today and I can feel it- I’m grumpy, twisty, and needing something more than this writing to make me feel better.