what if?

during highschool and college, i ran with one of the tightest crews (which was really only four of us), & we were/are real good proof that friends become family and people that work their way into your bones and make a permanent mark on your life. one of our things was to come up with ridiculous "what if's..", like:
"what if we drove through McDonald's door with Dustin's car?" or
"what if I shot a pistol through the drums at this concert?" or
"what if i threw a tantrum in the mall until you bought me a stuffed animal from this kiosk?" or
"what if i used nail polish as lipstick?"
..just really nutty stuff that we'd laugh so hard about we'd cry, but never have the guts to do.

but lately a new set of what if?s have been drifting across my mind

and they go something like this..

what if the point of my life isn't to fall in love, to find "the one"?

what if it's not about getting married?

what if it's not about having a happily ever after?

what if it's not about dying peacefully at 90 years old?

what if it's about dying at twentysomething?

what if it's about getting roughed up, robbed from, beat up, violated,
dying fighting for freedom and liberation?

what if my life isn't the typical American dream i thought it was?

what if life wasn't what i thought it was at all?

guys, get this. God works in ways we're usually not expecting. our time here is about falling in love with Him who created us, and glorifying Him with the life He gave us, because it's not just in our earthly life that God is honored and souls are impacted, but in our earthly deaths as well.

life is about dying for a reason.
don't be so sure yours is going to be so long.

& that's the whole point of tomorrows. they're another chance to start over, to continue with something good.
today isn't the end. it never is.

bathroom conversation

it's funny how the bathroom sometimes pulls out of us the most honest conversations. the other day me & several of my girls were chatting about who are favorite singers were- of course our "platica" (talk) then digressed to celebrities, and wouldn't you know, Miley Cyrus. "what a trainwreck," we both said, and then as an afterthought, i added "but there's still hope for her. not all's lost. she's just an example of someone who has everything at her fingertips and let it ruin her. sometimes i have to think how we would be if we were in her position, you know? fame really tests a person."

she said to me, "I think if i were living outside in the world, i'd be alot like her... probably even worse."

what an honest comment.

i responded, "lady, that's so true for me too," & shared with her a shred of my testimony. i found that we both know what it feels like to search out something in the world to give you peace but in the end not have peace at all. 

living with God is so much more than having your several months of brilliant crash-and-burn
in the public eye. God fills you up with purpose. the rest of this world sucks purpose from you, and you have to keep running back to vices to make yourself feel whole..

but the wholeness always seeps away.

the drugs, drinking, parties, sex, flirting, boyfriend bouncing, cruising, thugging, late night high life is 

NEVER

going to be enough.

and maybe you already know that. 

but you really ought to start believing it.

because until you do, you will continue to discover less and less substance to your life, and will keep feeling incredibly unhappy and unsatisfied with everything. 

do you get why you feel so much emptiness? it's because the only thing that is ever going to be enough is life with Him. 

nothing else can do it for you.

drifting along the hem of mountain roads

i found myself flailing for oxygen, floundering in a sea of self-doubt, throughout past twentyfour hours.

but there was a break.

the sun had already longset at 1120ish, and while everyone else in the van was already dreaming or halfway there, my fingers were leaving their prints on the window as my eyes strained to memorize the topography before me. the treeline silhouette had finally diminished and left me with lips parted and eyes wide in disbelief. there, dropped down over the edge of the road, a thousand and seven city lights quietly breathed amongst the darkness; an ocean of stars. i was stunned dumb. never before had i seen lights glimmering quite so strikingly; it was captivating.

somedays it's like i'm meandering through a minefield of dreams-
stepping gingerly, afraid of the potential below me. but when i "mis-step",
the explosion becomes God shattering my mis-guided concentration
with His unmistakable signature of beauty...
and im left to forget the physical and focus on the unseen.

the learning

it still astounds me, catches me off balance every once in awhile. i'm here, in the country of Mexico, speaking another language, making quality friends, listening to tragedies that have passed in the lives of those i'm getting to know.

//glimmers of song lyrics threading around in my mind, wrapping into my veins.

this weekend was a learning process, and the process continues each day. all my bad habits, all my detestable traits, are surfacing, and i must rightly deal with them. they can't be stuffed down, shoved under the rug, placed on the shelf any longer. they must be changed.

learning hurts- especially when it's learning through your mistakes.

but you must learn.

all the ideals i previously had about being a house mom have successfully been pulverized to smithereens. they're out the window. somehow i had held this glamorized concept of helping soothe hurting souls, giving advice, loving like Jesus did. not that that's not the case, but... what about when the kids think your advice is stupid? what about when they have horrible attitudes? what about when they make faces and talk about you behind your back?

loving doesn't always look like hugs and smiles.
sometimes it's remaining calm and treating them like an adult even when you want to smack them.
sometimes it's putting your foot down when they play the victim and
doling out punishment when it'd be easier to let them do what they want.
it looks like admitting you're wrong when you screw up.

it also is holding them in your arms when they're crying,
or praying for unity and peace in their family,

or listening to them tell you of the
terrible & unstable past they've muddled through.
it's being all there, through the good and bad, treating them as worthy and deserving daughters of Christ.

i've had a shower of doubts this week. sometimes i slip underneath. but God always finds a way to reaffirm why i'm here. i'm starting to think it's not so much for my girls, but for me-- to grind out my faults, to teach me to be an authentic follower of Christ, to depend solely on Him to be able to offer what can truly be of everlasting value.

i'm far from reaching that point.

but He's gently pushing me closer.

learn. and let it hurt.

desire

i long

to reveal humans for who they are:

beautiful, intricate, winding, an entire galaxy, glimmering, shattered, bleeding.

breathing but holding together messily glued fractured ribs.

i long to expose the streaks of God in our lives.

the miracles, the healings, the visions, the dreams,
the incredible passings

of Him in our lives.

His presence, His fidelity, through all our crap, our tremors, our doubtings,
our masks, disguises, oceans of pain and tears and heartache
His everlasting presence. it remains.

i need to expose this.

more importantly, i must live it.

and i must do so alongside others who believe it in their souls..

in the depth of their spirits.

maybe I’ll be oceans away from you forever.

//my life is forever in transit.

Moses

i've started, once again, to read the Bible from the beginning. because it's on an app, it's easy to sift through several chapters right before I fall asleep. last week, i hit the part where God commissions Moses to confront Pharaoh. like your common Christian, i've heard the story fourty-odd times, but this night, Moses's character really took shape to me. for starters, he was such a whiner! his doubts almost consumed him whole. "No, God, listen, even though You're speaking to me audibly and revealing Yourself through a holy fire, I don't think I can do it. I can't I can't I can't please have someone else help me." the problem here is that Moses was centralizing inward at himself and his shortcomings, instead of externalizing his gaze upwards at God's overwhelming glory and capability.

um, bro, God's capable of anything.

even overcoming your problem with public speaking.

without the help of anyone else.

"if God can create the entire universe, from the inexplicably 
intricate galaxies with colors still unseen to man,
 down to the most simple-looking yet complex of caterpillars and butterflies,
 and the near-infinity assortment of everything else inbetween,
 in six days, then 

imagine what He can do with your life!"

uhhh.. whoa.

when i read that quote this week, everything started tying together.

because, wouldn't you know, the message this past Sunday was on Moses. the final words of Rene's sermon sounded something like this: "it doesnt matter if you're American or Mexican. it doesn't matter how many Bible verses you have committed to memory. it doesn't matter how many years you've been following Jesus. it doesn't matter if you speak well in public or if your heart simply races at the thought. none of this matters! these things are important, yes, but they're not the deciding factor here. God has said, 'I am with you. I always have been, and I will continue to be. I am with you.' That's what matters."

i find myself like Moses much of the time. "Yo God.. are You sure? i really don't think i've got this holy business in me. i'm not sure i'll be of much use. if You really want to though, could You have someone tag along with me? i'm scared of going it alone." all this while, i'm just wasting valuable time, wrestling doubts and tapping the brakes on God's adventurous plan for my life. i'm losing out on souls that God wants to set free from captivity, addictions, sicknesses, emotional wreckage, abuse, etc. 

"Yo Keti, I am with you.

I always have been, and always will be."

if i just would listen the first time,

and trust completely in His power, forgetting about all my insufficiencies,

then imagine what He could do with my life.

imagine what He could do with yours.

compressed air.

i'm afraid of pain.

i realized this today on the way to play paintball. when we entered the course, i stayed far back, where i was well-covered, not risking to run forward, be aggressive, go up against the enemy. i didnt know how badly a paintball would hurt, and i got worried just thinking about having to transition into knowing the pain.

i dont like things to hurt. i dont think anyone does (except for masochists, i guess). but that's part of it all: being adventurous enough to get hurt. being willing to push forward despite shots fired at your face. that's part of the learning process, and it demonstrates courage and passion. if you're willing to get something broken in the process (be it your heart, bones, pride, or blood vessels), then i'd daresay you are in a very good place, my friend.

fear is just an illusion. i have a big red welt on my leg that slightly resembles ringworm, but i'm darn proud of it. know why? it came from me finally choosing to propel out from behind safety and expose myself to enemy fire in order to fight back. granted, i absorbed a real colorful blow in the process, but the point is, take that first step of courage. and let that first step lead to another. soon it'll turn into a well-beaten path.

Esmerelda (Esme) is the one in the front with the ridiculously huge smile, then Alma, and in back, Rosa. the girls wanted to snag my ipod for an afternoon and take pictures all over the EV campus. their creativity and silliness both inspires me and makes me feel at home.

"my home is in your hearts.." -We Came As Romans

a misty monday

there has been a quiet fog that has been pulling itself around our shoulders today. the nature of it is soft and drowsy, barely noticeable, and there is a quiet lightness in the air. it calls me to be introspective, and i must believe that this is a spiritual passing.

my soul has been in unrest for this last week, weaving its way back and forth through earlier memories, trying to bind me back to my past.

but today, moving amidst these low-hanging clouds, they seem to insulate against all my nostalgia and home-ache. today i have not been assaulted by my yesteryear. and so i am open to focus less on myself and my creaky bones, and more on my girls and their fractured hearts. not that it's always so obvious that the fissures are there, but i feel it everytime we're all together in one place, speaking in serious tones. the heaviness in each one of our spirits is there-- we all have a certain heaviness weighting our reality. i am not alone in my struggle, nor should i allow my struggle to outweigh theirs. we are here to be echoes of Christ to one another, exhaling hope into the drizzling darkness.

so i must thank my God- for showing me His reassurance through the words of others; for serenely sheltering me with this dreary-yet-dreamlike weather; for loving and pursuing me despite my ever-straying heart.

He wants you and I to be free.

like my wise friend Esmirna Aranda gently reminded me yesterday-

"the victory is in your hands... it's just up to you do something with it."

honest thoughts

this past week has been a really difficult one for me. I stumbled and floundered and struggled a lot more than I expected. it was growing pains, really, because if there’s one thing I avoid, it’s mistakes. i hate making them, because they mean that you get yelled at and people get disappointed in you and you’ve got to admit them and say sorry and own up to your incapabilities.

                sometimes you get stuck in this frame of mind where all your faults are illuminated, and you walk with shoulders slouched forward, head to the ground, practically breathing in the dirt, believing you’re hardly worth it. the only thing you can focus on is the clumsiness of your feet.

                can I be real about the thoughts that run through my head? I’m not sharing them to earn pity or to hear your encouragement. i want you to know that we’re battling the same garbage. some days I think I’m a sorry excuse for twenty- college drop out, only held one job (as a cashier, much less), lived with my parents, had easy/little responsibilities, not at all well-versed in the adult world. I screwed with not only my own head but another’s as well, another who meant more to me than the ocean, for two straight years, refusing, again, to take responsibility or look at the titanic damage I was doing in two people’s lives. seriously. for the last half of my life, I have only been telling parts of the truth, only showing pieces of me that were safe or not-so-deep, not wanting to expose anything a shade darker than gray. the reality is I have a tendency to lie so I don’t get in trouble, so people still think I’m real enough to be human but still good enough to be a Christian. for my entire life I have always tried to make everyone happy by being funny. If I can make them laugh, I think, then they will like me. No wonder I wind up feeling shortchanged half the time- it’s because I’m never willing to be serious. I’m never willing to get real. Never willing to be open and vulnerable.

these are the thoughts that run through my mind; the thoughts that so often assault us. 

and what i must always remind myself of is, that quit floundering in your mistakes, in your shortcomings. there is a God that makes up for it all, infinity times over. He wants where you're at- He gets that you're human, but He also knows how the incredible potential that is sleepily awake inside. this is why these thoughts come, because Satan as well knows our incredible potential, and will try to destroy that in any way he possibly can. our thoughts are so easy to intrude and manipulate and they can destruct us so simply and effectively. 

awaken, my soul.

 it's not me...

                    it's Him.

i’m starting to believe that life is a series of viajes; and the point is not to keep turning back to revisit the amazing places you’ve been, but to savor these amazing places when you’re in them, and to forever pursue new adventures in unexplored lands. because you can get so caught up in the places of the past, the magical memories you’ve planted, but if you stay locked in that mindframe of settlement, you’re going to lose out on the ever-expanding magic that's awaiting you up ahead.

know what ?

i love my hijas. even though sometimes they exhaust my patience reserves, i truly love doing life with them.

i had some time today to make a vblog. enjoy! :)

27 de agosto-- realizations

something I didn’t really acknowledge before is that my dorm is the one of transition. I was just told that one of our nineteen-year-olds will be moving out today, into a nearby apartment with other young ladies that also grew up here.

I think God is trying to tell me something about this topic, because it quite honestly never leaves me alone.

I’ve only known Maribel for a month, and she’s already leaving. Out into the real world, putting into practice (we hope) all that has been instilled in her the past ten-plus years. another one of our girls entered tech school two weeks ago, and it’s been interesting to hear her adventures, watch her become a little more sure of herself, a bit more of a grown-up. she was so nervous the night before her classes started, and it reminded me so much of myself two years ago, full of fear and worries that I had configured in my head. “Fear is nothing more than an illusion” is the phrase that we all ought to put on repeat.

through Caro entering college, I’ve found in myself several smidges of motherliness I didn’t realize were there. when I hear about immature boys (or “men”) at school that said stupid words to her, her having to walk by herself, or some of the rules for her classes, i literally get upset and want to confront those responsible. "Well you tell them I said this!" has made the other house moms giggle at my indignance. i’m also realizing that being a house mom requires a lot of sacrifice, sometimes because you want the best for your girls, but other times because they’re not responsive or responsible, or they’re just caught up in the midst of, once again, transition. i’m realizing how much my parents have sacrificed for me- both in ways big and small- and I am so much more appreciative of it now. 

things that were once hidden have become more clear, more lighted, and I’m beginning to understand, bit by piece. some days are still a haze, but I can feel the light fighting to penetrate forth.

night out

last friday, we went to a youth weekend mini-conference at another church in Puebla. i've never been to another Mexican church outside of the ministry's, and it was great. interestingly enough, the pastor, youth pastor, and some of the musicians were of my same color skin (missionaries from Canada).

the worship there was like none other i've experienced. you could tell the musicians were using their God-given talents to the maximum. i'd puff myself up and say that i'm a concert vet, but my brother and friend back home would laugh at me, them having been to triple of what i have. anyways, so i pay major attention to fine detail and appreciate intricacy, and these musicians encapsulated all of that. God has crafted us so incredibly detailed and descriptive, and the notes entering my ears were an audible reflection of that. as i was worshipping, i just felt waves of peace and intimacy with Christ.

sinking through eternity--

i'm not exaggerating when i tell you that it was transcendent.

and what the bearded Canadian man spoke on was that God is so full of grace. He wants us, and not what we can offer him; just us as our entire beings. Grace is not preached enough, and it is not a dangerous message- it is a redemptive one, letting us know that we dont have to do it on our own, we dont have to run away when we mess up, we dont have to sink under an ocean of shame, knowing that there's so much more but not being able to be a part of it. God extends us His grace to rescue us, to redeem us, to captivate us and to draw us closer to Him.

ARE YOU GETTING THIS ?? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE 'GOOD ENOUGH'!!

Christ's blood has covered you, brother! dear sister, He just wants YOU!!

He just wants you-- so desperately.

15 de agosto

two weeks in and feeling at home. not in the sense that i'm completely comfortable and all is bright and cheery, but moreso in the sense that this is where i'm supposed to be.

im trying to fill these big shoes as well as i can. somedays being a supervisor is tough, because it requires sacrifice and being more mature than youre used to, and processing everything and not letting little actions slip through the cracks without confronting them. im trying, and im learning.

the one goal i have is to be more real. not to rely on myself, on being funny and entertaining, but on how God wants to move, what words He wants me to speak into lives here, what questions He wants me to ask. being vulnerable makes me uncomfortable, but it's what i need. 

you need to be vulnerable if you want to find yourself. hiding behind disguises and strong points 

will leave you feeling so alone and misunderstood.

"what we read in scripture is, Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. he trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own."

-romans 4:3

6 de agosto 2013

feeling myself drawing near to a breakdown. it’s funny, cus Alisha told me the staff told her you’d experience one in the first two weeks, then in the first three months, another at half a year, and then one at your year. add (doubtfully subtract) five or ten or fifteen.

i’ve got a tired feeling that seeps down to my bones. it’s from all this transition.

it’s been fascinating to listen to the teen girls’ stories- how they slept on nothing but the floor, were beaten as if it was just customary, their parents made promises, family passed away, were torn from their brothers and sisters and haven’t heard news of them for years…. and yet they sit in front of you, eyes open wide, breathing, surviving. like, how’d they make it through??

now, they’re not all in one piece. but who honestly can say that anyone is?

and here’s me, Stateside born-and-raised, with her family loving and intact, never been devoid of any material luxury, nor abused by those she trusts most.

who am I to relate to the tragedies you’ve wrought through?

i’m just some twenty year old girl.

but that’s so far from the point.

i can’t do it on mere human terms. i can’t do it at all.

>>God is the One that can restore. His Son is the One that can relate. His Spirit is the One that equips you, that guides you, that brings you out victorious.<<

He works through the both of us, to speak to where both of us are at,
to weave our stories together, to allow us to teach each other through what He is teaching
both of us. we’re in this together, because He is what we’re in.

only His words are the words that will bring healing. i must seek Him first to know His words, before i try to give them on my own accord.

this is key.

a constant reminder to me.

a quick check-in

i made it to Mexico safe! 8 hours with 3 flights, a can of spicy tomato juice and some dried banana chips. i was so nervous about my suitcase being overweight, and prayed about it the night before and on the ride in. when i set it on the scale to weigh, it comes up as

50.0 LBS

i was so overjoyed. how many times does the scale come up as exactly 50 ?!

anyways, so i have started my internship here. i am placed as an assistant house mom with the older girls (16-19), as well working in the office on American- and occasional Mexican- affairs. it's alot to take in and learn, but i really am enjoying it.

thanks to everyone who has been supporting me and praying for me. it's going farther than you know. i appreciate you all!!

i will as well, try to keep the blog updated regularly. as for the moment, i am just trying to get settled in a get a feel for how weeks will go. but its always an adventure down here :)

if youre interested in contacting me, you can reach me at my email ketilipke@lovehopemercy.org

if you're interested in helping financially towards my internship, i am shooting for 500 dollars a month. you can support monthly or one-time (although monthly is more fun :). it really doesnt matter the amount, just whatever you feel led to give. you can send and make checks out to (with my name written in the memo)

Living Hope International
PO Box 116
West Bend, WI 53095

:)

“Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can’t take it in all at once.”

—	Audrey Hepburn

so i find myself here, the floor strewn with paper clothes and books, overwhelmed, overheated, and drowsy-eyed. i haven’t written in awhile, and that’s because this month back has been a flurry of nearly non-stop activity.  i am a mere three days away from returnal to home.

i said it. home.

i cannot, in all honesty, call this town or state home anymore; i suppose i cannot correctly call any place my true home; but Mexico is where I find my thoughts and heart always gravitating towards.

i haven’t had time to sit down and absorb the depth (almost the somberness) of what’s happened to me in the past month in the States. it is all slowly starting to catch up in my head (i have a difficult time processing almost anything, really). the support I have received, even from people i don’t know or haven’t talked to in years, is unreal. i did not expect people to give so easily or with such heart and kind words, but they have. today, after reading the poster i put up at our rummage sale, a lady came up to me and said “I don’t have much, but take this,” and handed me a dollar. i said thank you, and she continued to look around with a friend she came with, but didn’t buy anything. she didn’t have much to start with, and what she did give me, she gave before looking around for something to spend it on. what heart. i've got some lessons to learn.

yesterday i spent six hours with my closest group of friends- this hadn’t happened since i'd left in February. things have changed and shifted between us, like they always do, but some of the ways have been more heavy than others. i got so nervous beforehand i had to lay on the floor and take deep breaths, haha- it sounds silly to me now, but it’s what i did. and we all enjoyed our time together, as much as you can when you know that after these couple hours, everything will be different- everything already is different. for the last hour, we just sat around, asking “remember when?”s and telling stories and poking fun. it felt like zero time had passed and that everything, just for a bit, was normal again. but then I had to leave- say goodbye- realize, truthfully, (and i hate to be a downer) that this was probably our last time all together.

see, goodbyes have always been such a big deal for me. like so final. in the past, i have tried to pump them full of encouragement like steroids, to share every last little detail on my heart and how this person affected my life. it sounds kinda woman-y, all dramatic and emotional, right? but what i’ve come to realize is that I should have been telling them those things all throughout our friendship. i shouldn’t finally just blurt out the truth right before i walk out. that’s stupid, and cowardly. but so we said goodbye, as i’m leaving for Mexico for a year, the boys are off to big-league college in another city, and little sister starts a new chapter in her life while trying to find a way to still get over and through the past one.

too many transitions and goodbyes in a short frame of time can really wear a person out. i am just so tired of it.

how do you say goodbye to the three souls who
have defined the word home for you
for the past seven years? 

....i’m still figuring that one out. let me know your thoughts.

cheers to generous hearts and the ability of a human spirit to get so close to another's. 

there are entire worlds inside of us

it never ceases to amaze me, never stops leaving me dumbstruck, the depth of people, the utter complexity of the worlds living inside them.
like, you can see someone from afar, or even live with them day-to-day, see them in passing every so often, and not know what they carry inside. the gravity of who they are.
i mean it's unreal the sheer intricacy of the human soul. all the experiences and passions and dreams (literal and figurative) and words and actions that add up into this galaxy, yet it's all contained within
                                                 one
                                                                      body.
and if you choose to judge that body, that person based on their outside shell, you are missing so much. if you select the one encounter that you shared with them as the definitive point for who they are.. you've got it all turned around. there is a past stretching nearly forever backward that has brought this person to this exact point that they're sharing with you now.

keep that in mind the next time you find a cashier being a little short with you.

but it just.. makes me sad at how much i've missed. people absolutely fascinate me, and i really ought to be less hasty when i jump to conclusions, or point and laugh solely based on what a stranger is wearing, because they are literally an entire world unexplored. people are like books, encyclopedias even- imagine thumbing through every page, getting to know every last intimate detail, memorizing the fractures and the added glue, the scars, the remnants of loss, the sparks of hope, leading up to this exact moment in time. 

but that's how God knows us.

He's been there the entire time. each of us is a universe that He breathed life into. you are made for Him. your universe is meant to reflect His glory, His unmatched beauty. let yourself reflect brilliantly, and find your universe overlapping and intertwining with the universes of others as you pursue His presence. 

a gem in Matthew 15

"After Jesus returned, he walked along Lake Galilee and then climbed a mountain and took his place, ready to receive visitors. They came, tons of them, bringing along the paraplegic, the blind, the maimed, the mute-- all sorts of people in need-- and more or less threw them down at Jesus' feet to see what he would do with them. He healed them. When people saw the mutes speaking, the maimed healthy, the paraplegics walking around, the blind looking around, they were astonished and let everyone know that God was blazingly alive among them. But Jesus wasn't finished with them."
-Matthew 15:29-32

Yesterday I was reading this chapter and found these two verses so powerful. Jesus was healing these multitudes of people that were coming to him, from all over- people who were desperate yet hopeful. He had the power to heal within Him, so He did.

But he didn't stop there. 

The following verses go on to say that He didn't want to leave the people hungry-- "I hurt for these people. For three days now they've been with me, and now they have nothing to eat. I can't send them away without a meal- they'd probably collapse on the road (v. 32)." I think this is both literal and figurative- the people needed nourishment for their empty stomachs. But in this i find direction for giving spiritual sustenance as well-- sometimes, yes, all people need is the salvation prayer... Yet alot of the time, i can't help but wonder if people are at a loss for what to do next.

like, now what? 

We ought to continue connecting with them (if possible), and if not, direct them to a local church, or people in the surrounding area, that will keep encouraging them in this step of faith they have made. Because people aren't just a tally that you mark off on a religious scoreboard- theyre handcrafted by Christ, made for community and support.

Our job isn't finished when they say amen and open their tear-filled eyes.

Had Jesus left them be after He'd healed them, "they'd probably collapse on the road." We need Jesus to keep working in us after He heals us. It isn't like a one-hit wonder: one magical touch and you're free to roam the countryside as you please! No. Jesus should never be finished with us, because without His presence, we are destined to fall and collapse and need His touch all over again.

being back

so i've been back in Sauk for a bit, and everything is a whirlwind- trying to orchestrate fundraising for my this upcoming year internship, gutting my room, sorting belongings, going on shopping trips with Mom as we pinch our pennies, catching up with old friends. i haven't had time to turn on the tv, and quite frankly, i have no desire to. there are books, both written and unwritten, strewn around my room, and my fingers long to crack them open, but neither is there time to do that. i need to budget my time better. all the slivers of time are already filled in with other things. tomorrow i will take a deep breath and try to find the brakes.

2 august 2012

reading over old journal entries, and thought this one was worth re-writing.

it's been quite some time since i've picked up a pencil & let my thoughts spill across paper.
i think it is because things make more sense written out. it allows me to think clearly, but there's alot of issues i struggle with that i want to ignore, so i don't write. no writing = less conviction.

i have been reading so much more frequently- books with lovely ideas and concepts that push me to think deeply about life, and how i am living it. i think it'd be quite easy for me to become consumed with travelling and departure and letting go of shit i've known. running away, some might say. a part of me feels like i want to find myself, my niche, my purpose. i'm so un-figured out. i want to roam, to love, to see, to discover, to create, to live simply, to depend and depend not. i think the saddest part of travelling to new places is that, in the process, you leave behind parts of yourself in people and peoples you've grown to love-- and in leaving, you've now got all these empty parts, and sometimes you become so riddled with holes that you just keep leaving in search of new pieces that'll fit. and when you return, it's never the way it was when you left. people go on without you. places change and take new shape. so you find that maybe you aren't as important as you thought you were. after all, it seems that we're all just wandering souls in search of others to fix, complete, fill us.

nicole said that "a small piece of us is everywhere we experience change." i want to list all the places that i rest in:
         mexico
         stevens point
         fort wilderness
         sheboygan
         neenah
         sauk
         edgerton
i am in all these places, and all these places are within me. i want to find myself in so many more. i want to travel to the East Coast- where exactly, i dont know- and to Oregon, and to Egypt, and to Greece, and to Africa, and wherever. I want to live in different houses, living simply yet beautifully always, and to be careful with my roots. sometimes i wonder if i ever want to settle. i think what scares me is expending my heart (if i ever do) and not seeing people again- missing them till i ache.

endings

...they have never been my favorite.
today it all came to an end- the eighteen weeks of community, of growing from strangers all the way into family; we graduated and went our separate ways. The stretch of time that has past has been incredibly impactful, and I literally have no idea how all of a sudden I’m at the end. And I think it’d be easy to be all like “oh it never really happened” to avoid crying and missing the heck out of this family, but the truth is, I’m coming out of this changed. Feeling a bit lost, but changed. Lost in terms of, I’m without this specific family. The thing is, a lot of the time, I place a huge emphasis on where I am and who I’m with at the present moment (like, the interim I’m in), and once I leave that interim, I’m shot to pieces. I place a lot of importance on those who surround me as family.

Right now, I’m laying on my bed in the now-vacated room of what used to be our little house. I just want to rest and cry and rewind, honestly. It’s the weirdest feeling to be done, and have all the spectacular memories in the past, where they can’t be reached. To be honest, I’m a bit scared of going back to the States- of falling into routine, of falling into old habits, of falling into a sea of confusion. Really what God is drilling into my head right now is Hey love, I’m all you have, and I am more than enough. I am passing through this door, and voyaging into the next expedition. The last five months of my life were my favorite, I think. But I know that God wants to do even more. And for that, I am expectant.

the jump.

Who knows why, but I climbed up to the top of the precipice, looming three meters above the water. For me, it’s a long way down- I have irrational fear of hurling myself, freefall, into water. I’m okay with rollercoasters, cus you’re strapped in and secure, but with water, anything can happen. It was the second time we had gone to the river to bathe, and I followed Alisha and the boys to the second part, higher up, with the jump off part.

There are six others up on top with me, and for a couple minutes, I stand at the edge, thinking, trying to work up the guts. They don’t come, and so our leader, Rene, propels himself off, and then waits for the rest us at the bottom. Next, Lalo asks me “if I jump, will you jump?” I say yes. He jumps. I still wait. Lorenzo shoots himself off next, all of a sudden, and then Paulo. Brayan’s the last one up there with me, and asks me the same question as Lalo. I tell him yes, and he says “you’re sure?” and I’m like “yes!!” So he leaps off, and then I’m up there all alone. I bring myself to the edge, hesitantly. By this time, it’s been about fifteen minutes, the whole rigmarole of “no, you go first! Let me think for a little bit more”, battling back and forth in my mind whether I was capable, unable to squish my doubts of whether my shirt would come up again (happened the day before, and luckily no one saw-eep!) or whether I’d smash into a rock or if I couldn’t shoot myself far enough off.

Finally Rene’s like “Just come down if you’re not gonna jump! You’re gonna hurt yourself if you’re unsure.” And I’m all like ‘dangit, no I can’t be chicken, I’ve got to do this, come on keti’. And so three times I plug my nose, bend my knees… and then straighten up and yell “WAHHH OH MY GOD I CAN’T DO THIS!” and I don’t know how it happened, but the fourth time, maybe I was gutsy enough to start pushing myself over the edge, and tried to catch myself but couldn’t, so just heaved myself off, but there I was in the air! And the air part is what I hate the most, because literally there is zero control. It’s like the breath is crushed out of you, and your legs are all soft and shaky, and you just feel sick! But then in one second I was under water, then coming up, smiling and saying “I DID IT YEAHH!”

i think this is sometimes what our faith looks like. like oh goodness if I share this prophetic word with her, she’s going to think im bat crap crazy or God are You forreals sure about this cus maybe You’re wrong or what if I look like a fool and honestly the list of our doubts is endless. God’s workings are of the Spirit, and ours are of the flesh, so they’re always going to be in discord! our flesh is always going to go against what the Holy Spirit tells us. but the truth of the matter is, we need to take leaps of faith- we need to put our faith into action. it is then when our faith will finally be exercised, be tested, and grow stronger. God doesn’t call us to stand on the edge- He calls us to plunge in and take part in what He’s doing. this is the adventure, folks! and don’t get me wrong, it’s crazy scary at times, and sometimes we don’t think we’re capable, but if we shoot ourselves off the brink, God is going to follow through and see us to victory. 

14 June 2013

So we just got back from our missions trip to the state of Oaxaca. I don’t want to cram everything into one giganto post, so I’m going to just brush over a few of the important-er things through several bittier posts.

            We (nine of the viñeros-one stayed back- Rene, the pastor, and Fabian, the supervisor) visited three pueblos in Oaxaca: Chalcatongo, Itundujia, and Hidalgo. At each of them is a different church branch of Naciones, the churches that Jerry planted originally, part of the ministry of Living Hope International. We did two services at each branch, one structured like a normal service (worship, sharing a message, prayer) and the other a more intimate worship session with praying for others with physical or emotional needs (we call them CIA’s). They were all different but all beautiful, and for each one of them we also had a kid’s class prepared separate.

            We got to see different walks of life, different manners of living.  For example, on the eleventh, in Hidalgo, I journalled:

“Most extreme missions trip, in terms of living differently than the US. Haha. Latrines with designated sections for your pee and poop. Better aim careful! Also, there’s not a lack of little venomous scorpions in the area, and we slept on the concrete floor last night! Honestly, I tried to sleep on two chairs, but after two hours, ya no aguanto. It was almost unbearably hot to sleep in my sleeping bag, but I didn’t want to sleep in the open air for fear of bugs. We were pleasantly woken up at 5:30 by a rooster on his way out of this world. May your exit be quick and painless.”

This not to say I wasn’t grateful for their hospitality and generosity- moreso, just to mark the difference that there are different ways of living, in contrast with the States, that function well. It just took a bit to adjust to.

            Each one of us had to “preach”, or share a message, for at least 15 minutes, during one of the services. I spoke on change, leaving things behind to encounter God’s will for your life, and it went well. I was a bit nervous, and spoke somewhat fast, but I think all in all, it went better than I thought. Slowly learning to guts up.

            This trip brought us all so much closer together. It’s sad that we’re graduating in a week, but at least most of us are staying for the internship and will be able to see each other again.

rain

you know how raindrops bring you down to earth with them? even when you’re in a different country, when it starts raining, it turns you all soft and nostalgic and wondery --watching the lightning shoot jaggedly across the gray sky from inside the mini as if it were a firework show. when it rains so hard, you can barely look outside without feeling dizzy cus the windows are so blurry- i love that. rain makes me feel like i’m at home, no matter where i am in the world. it has this organic, mysterious way of tying together every place you’ve ever been, ever loved. and it’s because there are memories attached to each droplet, stories that each one carry, stories of running outside in the spring rainfall as a little blonde four-year-old in your swimsuit, of dancing in the dark drizzle at youthgroup with your old best friend, of driving five miles an hour in a blinding downpour with a boy that never really loved you, of the night before you left for college and it was storming something fierce and all you wanted was the one you loved beside you. rainfall, however it does fall, carries that feeling of light sadness blended with rising hope, and waters the dreams borne inside your chest. 

31.May.2013

This week’s been pretty awesome.

-         This Wednesday, we went to the market for the last time, and literally got more donations than we’ve ever received in the past fifteen weeks. It was unreal. Starting out, I had a really bad attitude, cus I was with the same group for the billionth time, and the Mexican men were being incredibly grocero (whistling and trying to get my attention with words that are borderline inappropriate), and I was just not having any desire to be there. I kept praying for patience and tolerance, and things got a little better, but I was still grumpy, haha. I think we eventually winded up with 5 huge boxes of mangos, and every time we went to drop off another load in the mini bus, I would stuff myself with bananas or mangos or litches or carrots. #healthyoverindulging. There was one instance where it only took literally less than ten minutes to fill our whole cart and return back to the bus with yet another load. At the end, we had to cram three people to a seat cus the rest of the mini was full to the gills. As we waited for our driver to get back from his last run, we gorged ourselves on wine-soaked cheese, regular cheese, avocados, bananas, and whatever else we were hungry for. It was glorious, except that I felt so bloated I couldn’t move. And then Richie, our driver, returned with tortillas to make avocado tacos, and I decided I could fit in three of those. #youknowyoureinLaViñawhen…

-         On Monday, we had our Extreme Challenge, which originally was sposed to be an eight-hour hike to the “Paso de Cortes” (a spot inbetween Mt Popo and the Sleeping Lady, the two volcanos), except here’s the thing: the volcano is like two seconds from exploding apparently, along with spouting as much ash as a truck driver would spout swear words after blowing a tire. So that got nixed real fast. Instead, we had to walk 16 miles with 20 pounds on our backs, with 8 of those miles including mildly-to-wildly inclined terrain. Basically we left EV, walked to and climbed the dead baby volcano, walked back down it, walked a million miles to another big, never-ending baby mountain, conquered it, then walked all the way back to EV. 8 AM to 3 AM. The last four miles, my feet were practically splitting from the endless trekking. So after eating lunch, all of us slept until supper, which was quite well-deserved.

-         Three groups are here this week, from the States, and it’s been nice to chat with them at random intervals. I had the blessing to help translate with a mini-eye-clinic that one group was running, and talk to guys my dad’s age about their ministry. One guy from another group, Jonathan Gibson, has been holding night classes with us, and last night during his question-and-answer session, I randomly turned around to look out the window and literally saw the most glorious cloudscape I’ve ever witnessed. It was literally like the glory of God manifested in the clouds- absolutely, supernaturally wondrous.

Those are all the big things I’ve got for this week. Of course, there’s much more going on, and I’d write about it, except for I don’t have a lot of time to (hehe) and other things should just be kept to ourselves. But it is evident God is working in us, bringing our bad characteristics to light so we can deal with them and let go of them and transform. Sometimes it’s a rough process, but always with the purpose to better us and grow us closer together. 

really growing up

I’m getting this sick kind of feeling about growing up. It’s all bittersweet. I am finding myself in the midst of this ocean, pulled farther and farther away from shore, having to let go of things I once held dear, throwing overboard some of what is close to me. I’m beginning to learn to sail by myself- making my own decisions, learning through mistakes- all while being blown by the winds of the Spirit. Sometimes I forget I’m in a different country, I forget that this isn’t just another short interim- I’m now committed for a year, to work and serve here. And then when I realize the landscape is different from what I’ve grown up around, I realize as well I’m surrounded by different, new friends; a different language; different humor; different cultural references; different food; different way of life. And this is growing up. Every season has an end, a mourning process. This is what I find myself in right now. A stage of bittersweet mourning, a spell of shipwreckedness and transformation.

I get alarmingly seasick when I look too far into the future, because I realize it’s out of my hands. It’s not going to look the same as my past, which was comfortable, because I had twenty years of accustoming and adjusting to it, and settling it into my bones. And now the panorama infront of me is clouded over, and I can’t trust my own way of seeing things- I have to wholly rely on the Sustainer to lead me through the fog, because there’s no way this little girl soul can navigate it.

I’ll be honest, the worst part about growing up is cutting off this seven-year friendship. It is enough to push me up against the rocks. My heart is shredding. I don’t feel like doing anything but lying around, drowning in sad music. But in our points of deepest weakness, of most pressing struggles, of greatest ache—here is where we have the opportunity to grow. We can either wallow around in the valley of death, cutting ourselves further open with memories and songs and pictures, or we can shift our focus to the sky, to the slopes that lead us out of the valley, sewing and patching ourselves back together with things positive and encouraging. It is a battle undoubtedly, and a constant one at that, but forever worth the fight. 

thoughts on being 20--rough copy.

age is such a fickle thing. birthdays never make you feel any older, and a lot of the time you still feel stuck in your 17 year old body, your 16 year old mind. age is something you can use to shame yourself into self pity "oh look, he's seven and has already changed the world, and I'm 20 and do nothing but sit on my couch, eat, sleep, and cry." something I have to remind myself of when i age-shame myself is that Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30, and then only did it for 3 years till His death and resurrection. the legacy He left AFTER His life lasted so much longer. so calm down, keti. it's okay to feel young. this is a time of preparation. 

self reflection. at age 20, I am growing into a woman. I'm not completely there, but I feel the change, the cultivation inside of me. I am comfortable with my body- five years of bodyshaming and the last two with timid acceptance have brought me to a state of peace with this outer shell. 

I know that being alone recharges me, but I don't always crave aloneness. 

I know that I have a deep desire to live in community, because it is in community that there is growth. 

I take pride in whatever art I create, be it a piece of writing that nails exactly what I need it to, or a picture that pinpoints perfectly the beauty i want it to represent, or an idea out of nowhere that others build into a masterpiece, or even a stinking outfit ensemble. haha. expressing ourselves in an honest manner is what I think alot of us strive for. 

life is too short to not eat food that tastes good- period. ;) and running isn't always the worst thing in the world.

I've also learned that nothing lasts forever. life is full of interims. accepting this is going to help you transition so much easier. take time, lots of little snapshots, while you're in each era, so you don't look back and find your heart filled with sadness. you'll have a collection of memories, beautiful moments, encouraging you to move forward and collect more. 

22.5.13

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated, I know. Sorry about that!

This past Sunday, we went to a get-together at the house of one of our viñeros, Oscar, whose parent’s hosted it (obvi). It was for the youth, including us. The best part about it was that all the food was home-made and endless. I can’t tell how you how fantastic it was to consume two plates of home-cooked deliciousness. We had chicken mole (a spicy chocolate sauce), rice, creamy fried peppers, and a bunch more. After we were all super full, we sat and sipped coffee and ate cake and laughed at dumb jokes and the little kids running around. It was really relaxing and a good connecting time.

            The Friday before this, right before youth group, I had sent an email cutting off a friendship with someone who’s been inscripted into my bones for the past seven years. There were a lot of reasons building up to this, but I finally did it, received an answer within ten minutes, and that was it; the end. It was heavy. Thirty minutes later, we started youth group by praying for each other’s needs in small groups, lifting up to God what was on our hearts, and then started worship. Not joking, the three songs that were played were all three of my favorite worship songs. This doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but to me, it was incredibly personal- like my God wanted to woo me, bless me, and provide for me; He wanted me all for Himself. Worship time lasted for an hour, and it was amazing to see the Spirit of God sweep down over all of us- people were kneeling on the floor, others filled to the top with joy praising the Lord, some praying for and ministering to others. I got lost inside the songs and really felt the desire of God to win my heart over. It’s something I’m started to learn- I can do nothing good, nothing of eternal value, apart from being lined up with God, completely sold out for Him.

            Okay, today ! We got to cook in the kitchen (the girls) from 8 till 2, but I got pulled out at 10 to help the teenage girls with cleaning the group house for the group that’s coming next week. Me and Karen had the girls’ side, so we swept, cleaned bathrooms, and mopped. I shared about how 8 out of the 10 people in our Viña got accepted for internships here (me included- wheee!), and what we’ll all be doing. I asked about her plans for the future, and she told me she likes it here and likes working with younger kids, but she has dreams of going to other places in her country, working at a church and just being used completely, in line with all the talents God has given her, adopting children and possibly working at another orphanage. It was inspiring to see how deeply she wants to be used and is willing to go to other places to expand even further the Kingdom of God.

Then at 1’oclock, me and Alisha went to the office to call our parents about getting our visa process started (Mexico just changed a ton of policies for that, so it’s a new procedure now, and more confusing at the moment). We talked with an intern who lives in Minnesota about all fundraising together, just bouncing ideas off each other, seeing what would work.

The teenage boys came back from the market after lunch, so while our boys washed dishes, we sat outside and talked with the kids and sorted the vegetables and fruit. Irvin (9 years old) asked me to help him sort a box of fruit (between ripe and too-old), and it was just a precious moment sitting on the cement with him, asking him whatever came to my mind, and joking a bit. I don’t see him smile as much as I used to, so it’s sweet to see that smile brim over his face once in a while. During this time, I also ate three mangos (everyone teases me about eating so much, but it’s just fruit!!), which was a bad call, since we had to run 7 kilometers at 5 o’clock (20 minutes later). Here’s the thing: apparently mangos pass straight through me. Wink wink hint hint. I left the bathroom at 4:55 still feeling unsure of my stomach situation and Fabian’s all like “we’re going to run and it’s going to take an hour.” Perfect, I’m thinking. So I’m trotting along with my back doors shut real tight, barely able to keep up with the others. Thank goodness I didn’t have any escapism issues, but i had stomach pain for almost the whole time and had to take constant walking breaks. I’M NOT A WIMP, I JUST ATE TOO MANY MANGOS, OKAY?!  Haha. Anyways, I learned my lesson from that one, to have self-control and learn to eat during times where lots of physical movement isn’t going to follow immediately. Note to self.

humanity and transparency- 10.5.13

this week has been a week full of tears. Not necessarily bad ones, but the ones you cry when you are experiencing growth, be it painful, needed, or avoided. And they weren’t all mine either, although some of them were- moreso witnessing the guts of others spill out into the open, those sometimes rare glimpses into the fragile humanity of those around you.

            This week, we had several hours of ministry for all of us, essentially a time where we individually spoke with two leaders (females with females, males with males) and expunged things on our hearts that had damaged us- things that have stunted growth, held us back, kept us captive.  I was the second-to-last girl, watching most of the others come back with watery eyes and weak smiles who were feeling that bittersweet feeling, finally finding freedom after having wallowed in pain and shame. I spoke with Ivonne and Sandra- we opened up by praying, then I voiced three matters that had weighed heavy on my heart, and was surprised to find that they had struggled with much of what I had/still do. They invited me to pray and ask forgiveness, and then they prayed for me, that God would liberate me and get rid of all that was eating away at me, make me new. I left feeling untied; amazed, as well, because there are some things that shame me to share with anyone, and finding that not only was I not judged for it, but someone else had battled with the same thing… that was a big encouragement. I think that when people begin to be honest with each other, allowing themselves to be transparent without fear of judgment, that is where you find true beauty in the human condition.

            The founder of Esperanza Viva, Jerry McNally, spoke to us for an hour on Thursday night. What stood out most to me was the part in his story when he found himself back in his old church, after six months on the mission’s field, everyone looking at him as if he were a worm for coming back. He put his head down in frustration, clamoring to God, “God, I feel like a worm. I don’t know how to deal with this pressure of the opinions of others.” And he started to see this vision in his mind, of God seated on the throne in front of him, wearing this amazing crown, indescribable. And Jerry was approaching the throne, coming closer to God, when he realized that he was wearing a crown as well. And God looked at Jerry and said “My son, you are a king.” As Jerry uttered these words to us, his eyes were tinting red with tears, even though this had happened over twenty years ago- this experience was so moving, so profound, that it continues to impact him today. It impacted me hard, because Jerry is such a strong man, preaching and following God fiercely, and I’ve never seen a vulnerable side to him.

            Three of us viñeros hold a theater class for the kids every Friday, working with about fourteen of them. We were practicing this particular Friday, the last practice time we had before the next day’s performance. The kids, of course, were squirrelly because it was after lunch, not really wanting to keep repeating it out in the hot sun. We kept having to redirect Eric’s attention to his part of acting like Satan, instead of rocking out on an air guitar or staring up into the sky. All of a sudden he just walked out, and didn’t come back. Us three were super disappointed, since he’s the oldest of the group and sets the biggest example for everyone, not to mention we had to find someone else to sub in for him for the next day. Long story short, Toño took his spot, and the performance went really well. The next Friday, we had a celebration time for the kids, with Mango Tang and three bags of Cheetos. Eric had returned, but was mostly listless and refusing to eat or drink any of the snacks. After class, he was sitting by himself on the bench, and me, Angie, & Oscar confronted him. Literally for the first five minutes, he wouldn’t say a word. Angie kept saying “Hey Eric, speak! Are you going to talk to us or not? How’re we sposed to help when you keep your lips shut? Don’t act like a child- tell us what’s going on.” Finally, through boy tears and stuttered, mumbled words, he told us last Friday there’d been a problem in his dorm that he’d been upset and frustrated out, and that translated to him walking out on practice. Of course we told him that if he’d had told us, we’d have let him go and cool down without a problem. I told him that he has a lot of influence with the other kids, and that he ought to keep that in mind and use it to set a good example for others. He nodded, and we asked him to talk to us if he had any problems in the future, and that was it. It was just really touching to see one of the older boys start crying because they’d felt bad about what had happened.

            All this to say, let your guard down. Enter into honesty with others, and be surprised how much it will deepen and enrich your relationships. Many times we live under the lie that if we keep everything inside, seem like we’ve got it all together, then no big deal, we’re okay. No one needs to see our guts. But this is so untrue! Open your lips, let truth spill from them, and I think you’ll find that many of us are struggling with the same problems, keeping the same secrets, hiding from the same demons. If you don’t bring these dark areas of your life to the light, bring these wounds, these struggles, out into the open, they’re never going to heal. Let yourself regain your strength by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and weak. 

1.5.13

Today was pretty incredible. It was our evangelism day, the one we’d been working on planning since Monday, and we got the privilege of being a part of demonstrating the love of God for others. Half of us were split into two teams: me, Esmi, Lalo, Angie, and Manuel.  Before we went to downtown Cholula from 10:30-1, we prayed for about fifteen minutes before, over the signs and our hearts and others’ hearts.  When we arrived, we set up a bench and three chairs, carrying signs that said “Come!-Are you searching for something out of the ordinary?- We have something for you!” Our main purpose was to minister to others, praying a blessing on their lives or for whatever need they may have, and asking God for a prophetic word for them (like I mentioned in my earlier blogs, prophecy is basically listening to the heart of God and transmitting it to the person it’s directed to, with words that have to the purpose encourage, console, and exhort). I believe we had about fifteen people pass through in total, some coming in families and others singley.

There were two women that stood out specifically in my mind, because we were able to talk and share a lot with them and them with us. One of them, Virginia, sat down with her son who had eyelashes a kilometer long, and as we prayed for her, I felt as if there were someone in her life that she was angry with, someone that had disrespected her. Then I saw a really elegant bench, like God wanted to give her rest. When we opened our eyes to share with her, Angie said that she’d felt as if there was a lack of forgiveness in her heart, like she needed to forgive someone in life. I shared what I had experienced as well, and Virginia then told us that she was struggling hardcore with forgiving her mother for something she’d done. She added that a Christian woman had approached her yesterday as well and talked to her about this, and that she didn’t think running into us today was a coincidence. “I just.. it’s really difficult to forgive her. I don’t think I can.” I shared with her that there was someone in my past with whom I’m still struggling to forgive, and that to forgive someone is not always something you feel all the time, but rather a decision you make, and one you have to make a lot, to leave what happened in the past and move on without this big burden on your back. Esmi shared that in forgiveness there is freedom, and that with the power of God in our lives we can find the strength to forgive these people that have hurt and damaged us.

The last lady that we spoke with last sought us out, without us having to say anything to her. “What’s the deal here? I want to hear about what you’ve got that’s out of the ordinary. There’s always people here in the park with signs like ‘free hugs’ and whatnot, but what’re you guys about?” Esmi explained to her that we were here praying for people and asking God for words to share, and the lady said “Well I could use some prayer. I’ve got a problem about as big as me. Will you guys pray for me?” And with that she sat down and smiled at us expectantly. We were encouraged, asked her name, and lifted her up in prayer. After a minute or so, we began to share with her what we’d sensed. Esmi had felt a verse put on her heart that was one of encouragement for the lady, to search out God and He would give her rest. I had seen a super ripe tomato on a vine, literally at the point of explosion, like it needed to be picked or else it would go to waste. I wasn’t sure how to interpret this so I just said what I saw without adding anything, and she said that it represented just being full of the world’s pressures and them bottling up. Manuel added that if we don’t take time to rest in Christ and share with him our struggles and battles, we’re going to explode. Angie had seen a place that was full of problems and struggles, but a Hand that had come down and was uprooting these problems, taking them out of her life.            

 The lady was super encouraged by what we shared with her, and said that right now she was struggling with her fourteen-year-old who was going through a rebellious streak and she didn’t know how to handle that situation, and moreso that she’s a single mom with three kids and it’s always a fight to provide. She shared with us some things she had lived through where she had seen the provision of God, even though she wasn’t a Christian, but sought out peace in churches, and cried out to God one day after endless job-searching that she was done searching and God just ought to take care of it cus He has the power, and three hours later she got a phone call offering her a job. We could feel she had a lot of faith, but just not necessarily planted in the roots of God.  Esmi shared with her the salvation message and our overall need for Christ, and invited this lady to pray with her, and she did! It was awesome. And she asked us how she could keep in touch with us, so we gave her our facebooks and the facebook of our church as well, and invited her to that. We left Zocalo pretty floored at the way God moves.

When we got back, we washed dishes for an hour and a half and cleaned the kitchen. Then we had an hour of free time and then an hour of exercise, which I got to skip cus I was fasting until supper, whee! :) haha. So I took these sixty minutes to just pray and continue to seek out what God has planned for my life. In the midst of praying, I had an impression of seeing myself leading a small group of young women, getting to know them and knitting our lives together, sharing struggles and life together. It was really neat, cus that’s something that’s on my heart to do. Another thing I pulled from this time that was from God is you need to settle. Like I need to plant myself down somewhere for a decent period of time, instead of acting like this vagabond, wandering from place to place- college for a year then dumping it, working at camp for three weeks, working for six months, La Viña for four months, taking life as it comes. I need to settle, to let my past catch up to me and to confront + deal with things I’ve been running from, to heal and to grow, and to grow up. I’m not quite sure of the place I need to put down my roots, although I have a tentative idea, and am waiting for God’s confirmation or re-direction.

I was delighted when supper finally rolled around- extra happy because we were served fried platanos, my favorite!! We were eating all together and Brayan asked “Anyone want some of mine?” and of course I jumped and said “Yes, me!” and thanked him twice, and he’s like “Of course, you’re my carnalita.” Aww. Each day it’s beautiful to watch the brotherhood between us ten different souls grow, whether it be seeing each other’s angry sides (which admittedly isn’t so beautiful, haha) or hearing crazy stories or sharing ideas or what’s on our hearts or things we don’t understand about God. The dynamics are smashingly lovely. 

just two facts

My nickname here is Ave, which means bird. I’m pretty sure it started when me and Brayan were running around in Zocalo for one of the evangelism outings back in March, making bird noises.  The boys use it a lot but so does Andrea, and one of the funniest things was when Brayan returned my ipod to me, and when I went to reset my alarm, I saw the message “hey ave, wake up, it’s time to fly!” Sometimes it gets annoying, like when Lalo shouts it every five seconds, but usually not really.

One other hilarious thing was the other day when I walked into class and sat behind Lalo. I was wearing a blue grandma sweater that I bought at a rummage sale with a blue skirt and a gold necklace. Lalo turns to me and says “You like to dress that way, don’t you? In older clothes. And it doesn’t have anything to do with your nose ring or your undercut. You’re pretty odd.” I had to laugh out loud. Nicole, if you’re reading this, more power to us. These are the compliments we live for ;). 

30.5.13

Today I am struggling with my life back in the States. If I’m being honest, I miss it, and sometimes this road I’m walking seems stressful, forever busy, and never-ending. Some days my heart is so heavy, and I don’t feel redeemed, and I get tangled up in my feelings and thoughts. I think I’m irritable right now because I’m tired and fasted today (except for supper) and will be doing the same tomorrow. I really want to make it a point to God that I’m willing to give up worldly things to draw closer to Him, that I want to seek Him out and put Him first, but sometimes I just have a shitty attitude about it and need Him to change my heart, my perspective.

MaryBeth left today, full of smiles and tears and hugs, and I sincerely hope and pray the best for that lady. It’s weird watching someone you’ve lived with leave, noting the absence of their presence in the bed across from you, the emptiness of the closet that once held their belongings. I know that that will be me in two months, and I can imagine the feelings she is experiencing right now.

Today I listened to my own advice and took more or less advantage of my time with the adolescent girls, helping one with her math homework, giggling with others about imitating American-accented Spanish, and sharing stories of hair and people we know. I really enjoyed spending time with them, learning patience with the math problems, and working around communication deficits [in me].

Listening to Anberlin right now is provoking nostalgia, not necessarily because of the last time I listened to them (because these are new songs) but because of the lyrics and their gravity, and I just miss my friends back home[s]- the Sauk core four and our undeniable laziness yet constant contentment with each other; the sweet air of Fort and the ever-present possibility of adventure amongst the most interesting of friends; the sandy wet edge of Lake Michigan with my sisters and their families; Nicole’s apartment in the Cities and the beautiful mix of people that live within those walls. Home is such an interesting concept to me, and how it is not necessarily a place but moreso a feeling you get when you’re with people who know your soul, with those whom you share countless memories and laughter, along with tears and disenchantment, the same details of heartbreak and joy imprinted on multiple sets of hearts. Someday I want to write a piece on how captivated I am by this concept, but for now, I will continue to build yet another home here in Mexico, amidst toothy smiles, contagious laughter, consistent encouragement, and most importantly, the all-consuming love and purpose and sovereignty in Christ.