your plans, your desires, your relationships, your heart, is not safe in your hands. put them in Mine.

Child, quit begging. Come to Me in trust. Trust that I will provide the words, the visions. Don't come to Me with a mouth full of eloquent words; instead, come to Me with trust. I will provide.

rough areas.

one of my biggest problems is my inability to deal with reality. i’m not quite sure how i acquired this habit (perhaps several years ago, when i started to ignore God speaking in my life), but it has lead to many misunderstandings, false expectations, and semi-deep wounds in my life and in the lives of others.

when things start to get real, when things start to get serious, i start to get quiet, funny, and detached. i start telling myself lies, like "you’re just making up what’s happening" and "it’s not a big deal, it’ll be over soon so just play along and don’t worry about it. "

and whoa. it’s done me alot of damage. because one day, i begin to realize that what’s been happening really is real, and i’m the one who’s been playing with everyone’s heads all along.

i’ve got to own up for my inaction.

real life takes courage.

and i’m a coward.

getting better at being honest, but still a coward.

who i used to be seems so distant from the girl i am now. and not saying that i’m better, necessarily, just that i’m in a different place in my life, a different stage, at a different understanding. sometimes it’s hard to believe that i’ve come so far- that God’s helping me kick the habit of lying, that He’s opening me up to vulnerability, that He’s continuing to show me how much He loves me through those who surround me. but at the same time, i see the vast expanse of who i'm not- all the areas i have yet to develop, yet to mature, yet to overcome.

and despite the trainwreck i continue to be, He continues to be faithful. He continues to love me. He continues to be patient, reach for my hand, and correct me. i’m left with a constant bewildered feeling of “i don’t deserve this.” He is SO GOOD to me! He’s the One who takes all the glory, because in my sorry state without Him, I do nothing but destroy.

what a pure love He gives us.

a series of goodbyes

i’m a mother of seven now.

to the person reading me for the first time, seven sounds like a substantial responsibility, but when i say seven, i really mean “one less than eight”-  the gap of her absence still resounds in this house.

one of our loveliest ladies left last week, leaving us waving goodbye with heavy hearts and downturned mouths.

to be honest, i can’t quite spell out why exactly the exit lights turned on so abruptly or who´s fingers flicked them, but somehow her mom’s custody papers went through faster than expected and all of a sudden she had the opportunity to leave.

we knew it was coming; it had been talked about. 

but it happened several weeks early;
so unexpected on an otherwise normal tuesday morning.

and how do you even react? the words barely came. “here, you can use my luggage to put your stuff into. but this all doesn’t sound right to me! you don’t have to go yet if you don’t want to- you have a voice.”

and the thing is, she was set on staying, until all of a sudden she wasn’t. the window of opportunity was open wide- she hesitated for a second, thinking, but then raced excitedly through, leaving a veering trail of tight hugs, radiant smiles, and blown kisses.

and it’s hard to know just what to say. in fact, i didn’t say much of anything. “i love you, beautiful, and hope things go well. we’ll be praying for you.” because how do things even happen like this? like my friend Alisha said

“Kids don’t just... leave. They’re not supposed to.”

i could list a hundred things i should have said after the fact. but that's beside the point- she has left. i was mulling it over in my head, and it's kind of like when you let a butterfly go after you've raised it from a caterpillar: it's this amazingly complex creature, and it's safe and sound (to a degree) within it's cage, but you know that when it's finally released to the open air, it's fly or tailspin. you know that it will encounter storms, nighttime, thick dark forests, and dangerous birds that'll want to eat it alive. but like another friend told me, "she's been here awhile and accepted the opportunity to do life outside. the only thing you can do now is pray for her, trust God to protect her, and ask that He would keep your doubts from coming true."

anyways. through it all, i'm constantly reminded of the transition in this community. it’s the very essence of life, and of this house especially. sometimes transition is devastating, and sometimes it’s beautiful, but a lot of the time, it’s just one big mix of both.

cheers to dealing with reality.
God, I'm trusting You to take care of all of us.

oof. what a process life is.
the highs and lows, the smiles and tears, the changes and growing and frustrations.

how do you fan the flame of their passion for God?

through prayer. through questions. through being intentional. through hugs and smiles and encouraging words even when they're practically eating you alive.

His love for them is relentless.

let Him love through me.