rough areas.

one of my biggest problems is my inability to deal with reality. i’m not quite sure how i acquired this habit (perhaps several years ago, when i started to ignore God speaking in my life), but it has lead to many misunderstandings, false expectations, and semi-deep wounds in my life and in the lives of others.

when things start to get real, when things start to get serious, i start to get quiet, funny, and detached. i start telling myself lies, like "you’re just making up what’s happening" and "it’s not a big deal, it’ll be over soon so just play along and don’t worry about it. "

and whoa. it’s done me alot of damage. because one day, i begin to realize that what’s been happening really is real, and i’m the one who’s been playing with everyone’s heads all along.

i’ve got to own up for my inaction.

real life takes courage.

and i’m a coward.

getting better at being honest, but still a coward.

who i used to be seems so distant from the girl i am now. and not saying that i’m better, necessarily, just that i’m in a different place in my life, a different stage, at a different understanding. sometimes it’s hard to believe that i’ve come so far- that God’s helping me kick the habit of lying, that He’s opening me up to vulnerability, that He’s continuing to show me how much He loves me through those who surround me. but at the same time, i see the vast expanse of who i'm not- all the areas i have yet to develop, yet to mature, yet to overcome.

and despite the trainwreck i continue to be, He continues to be faithful. He continues to love me. He continues to be patient, reach for my hand, and correct me. i’m left with a constant bewildered feeling of “i don’t deserve this.” He is SO GOOD to me! He’s the One who takes all the glory, because in my sorry state without Him, I do nothing but destroy.

what a pure love He gives us.