interested in missions?

if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to break out of your normal routine for a week and sink yourself into another way of life, i encourage you to consider a short-term missions trip (STM). that's where my whole Mexico journey started.

my first-ever STM was to Esperanza Viva in 2009, and it set an unquietness in my soul that i never have been able to get rid of.  the trips were always a challenge, but the beautiful faces and nearly-tangible presence of the Spirit kept me wanting more each year. i was pulled in by the transformation God was doing in the lives here. for four summers i came for a week-long visit, until I felt God calling me to abandon ship in the States and serve at Esperanza Viva full-time. i have now lived here for a year and a half, utterly convinced I made the right choice, and so amazed at all that God has done through one simple “yes” to go on a missions trip to Mexico.

to show you a bit of the loveliness you can be a part of, here are some pictures :)

plan your own activities to connect with the children in the afternoons

enjoy two local tourism outings, in the markets and at a nearby pyramid

get to know the staff and make an impact in the lives of those you come into contact with

for more information, check out our website here. 

sign up today for a trip that will leave a mark on your life!

"Be crumbled so wildflowers will come up where you are. 

You have been stony for too many years.

Try something new.

Surrender."

-Rumi

heart encouragement

last night in the dorm, after a semi-frustrating day of work, one of my younger teen girls came up to me to ask boy advice. you have no idea how delighted i was to not only hear that question, but share with her a few slivers of experience. we wound up speaking for an hour or so until it was nearly bedtime, with her doing the majority of sharing what was on her heart, it being a perfect reminder of what i'm here for and the value in day-to-day details.

"i've been feeling so much more freedom; i used to worry about what people think when i would raise my hands in worship, so i never did; but now i'm doing it to show God how worthy He is of all I am, not to impress others."

"the other day someone told me that God gives us problems so that we draw closer to Him. that really made me think, and it's true! now whenever problems come, i turn to God and say thank you. not like 'wonderful! i failed my test! thank you, God! just what i wanted!' but i know that He is using all of it to bring me closer to Him."

"everytime i want to get better in something, i feel like there's something holding me back and trying to stop me, but there's always something behind me pushing me to go on. i now know that what's trying to hold me back is Satan, but what's behind me encouraging me to keep fighting is God. i don't want Satan to be able to hold me back anymore."

God surprises, and best of all, uses us when we're least expecting it.

life is all about relationships, and relationships take time, especially relationships with kids who have had years of damage done to them. we are called to plant, to invest, to water, even when we can’t see the result, even when we can’t see growth or buds or blooming. we don’t always get to see the harvest,  but it’s important that we prepare it for those who will.

distanced reflections

a couple of weeks ago, i let something slip out of my fingers, something i had originally thought would turn out to be great, but something that i later knew i had to let go.

sometimes it just sucks to open up your sweaty palms and let go of your own ideals, your own expectations; lettting go of control.

what an illusion control is, anways.

you just have to enter, and be okay with, the unknown path that winds out before you; letting your blueprints be scratched out so God can draw up something better.

we forget sometimes that any [crazy] thing can happen in any given moment- in reality, the only thing we actually have control over is the way we react, the way we see and deal with things.

so believe God has a better plan, and don't settle for anything less than Him: His timing, His design, His perfect love. because we get so mixed up sometimes when we bring ourselves and our desires into the equation: we start to live with a sort of hopeless desperation, thinking that "this is my last chance at a relationship" or "this is my last chance at a decent job" and we lower His standards due to our impatience, our unwillingness to trust, our desperate need to control something. friends, let it slip out of your hands. do your part, put in all the effort, but do not try to take control. do not try to replace the spirit with flesh. do not try to make something partial bigger than it is to fill a whole.

we must learn to live by faith and not by sight; do not wait for a sign direct from heaven to make a 180° decision when you can already feel His whisper in your heart, when you can already see the breath of His words winding in through they keyhole to the door you've tried to keep closed. don't ignore His fingertips stretching out to brush your heart.

quit demanding clarity and trust in Him.

last week one of my girls, Angie, was taking care of one of the younger missionary kids, and i just had to snap a few photos.

Angie's seventeen and wants to study geography or mathematics when she graduates. she's got a year of highschool left and is doing really well academically, and is slowly but surely maturing and growing in Jesus.

 she has been at EV for around nine years, and has two younger siblings that live with her mother, whom she loves fiercely. she has a sweet spirit, the most infectious laugh, likes to befriend the friendless, and plays Sudoku or with her Rubix Cube to calm herself down when she's upset.

she's had normal teenage girl hiccups, but the four of us house moms have been working through them with her and praying that someday it makes sense to her. if you remember, you can be praying that God's beauty continues to take root and bloom in her life, and that her restless spirit and search for approval with the opposite gender would be soothed and taken over by God.

today's worship

also, today's worship was out of our normal routine and beautiful. here are some of my takes.
//sidenote: luckily i did not fall off the stage taking pictures today, because that definitely happened to me last friday. #MostEmbarassingMomentOfALLTIME

 practice

iridescent light

Angie visiting with her {quickly growing} little siblings

oh, we want Your glory

adoration

august aches

in the midst of it all, God remains faithful.

my eyes have been at the point of falling out my head for quite some while, and in this month alone, i have cried more than i have this entire past year. multiple mornings i've struggled with the fleshly desire to move back to the States, wash my hands clean of all responsibilities here and try on the easy life once again.

what a joke.

i've tasted of Jesus too much to go back to anything less, experienced too deeply of His love, witnessed too much of His healing and faithfulness, to ever go back to the life i once lived. although it would be easier, i know my heart would start to feel that emptiness once again, that yearning for something to fill it, the crying out for purpose, for meaning. i know that God weaves in every strand of our lives for our good and for His glory, but i never really found God till i left behind my life. in order to leave it behind, i had to jump countries and expose myself for the fraud of a Christian i was, but now i can feel His hand stirring in my life, the process smoldering through me, and it's a beautiful kind of burn.

so flesh, i won't be giving up the fight. i'm staying here for another year, believing that God can make something of me and my constant mistakes. i know He is worth it and i refuse to settle for easy when He has called me to the difficult. reward or no reward, fruit seen or unseen, it all serves for His sovereign purposes. He knows what He's doing, and i am trusting in that, even when things look bleak and everything in me is weary.

friend, if there's something you need to let go of, it's time to let it go. it's time to stop searching for other little things in your life to turn over to God and turn over yourself. He doesn't just want your education, your job, your possessions, your family... He wants you. all of you. believe that you are valuable, that you are of worth, and whether you believe it now or not, that is why He wants you... the immense purpose and importance that a life has when turned over to Him// that your life has when turned over to Him.

here are six of the nine young ladies in my dorm.

Rosa, Susy, Esme, Angie,
Mireya, and Lupita.

each one is distinctly different, but beautiful in her own way.
keep them in prayer, would you?

yesterday marks one entire year here.

yesterday, july 29, marks one complete year devoted to interning full-time in the ministry.

whoa.

and what an insane year it has been.

so where am i right now?

full-time staff.

house mom to 9 fiery, complex, struggling, beautiful teenage girls.

multi-tasking in the ministry office 9-6, being a correspondence coordinator, which means secretary, managing all our contact data, translator, researcher, making purchases (and coffee), etc.

part of the multimedia team, taking photos and learning how to do video, switcher, and projection.

let me be clear, before you start to think "wow, she's doing awesome things and living the dream", that NONE of these positions define me. it is God behind me and in me giving me the strength and wisdom to do more than i myself am capable of doing. i've cried a bit and slowly started to learn to how to deal with reality, being more transparent and vulnerable. this past year has been a year of stretching, difficulty, and struggle. 

but can i share with you some sparks of light?

-one of our most difficult girls has recently started to soften up and now affectionately calls me "mom", asking me for a hug each night before she goes to bed as well as prayer when she's not having a good day.

-another of our girls (that left two months ago to live with her family) continues to attend church regularly, is praying for the Spirit's guidance in her life and future, and keeps lighting up the world with her smile and hopeful heart.

-each short-term missions group that comes to visit leaves affected by what God is doing in our ministry, and hearts are constantly being stirred to become more involved in missions, be it here in Mexico or elsewhere.

if you find yourself in the midst of transition, somewhat stuck in struggle, with lips barely above the waterline, raggedly breathing... God has already told us that He makes ALL THINGS work together for our good. the struggle will not last forever and there is hope around the corner. in times of affliction and pain, we can count on God to be there to console and comfort us. as my brother-in-law has written on the mirror in their bathroom, "our faith needs a fight to strengthen." 

be encouraged, family. one day we will see the big picture, but until then, God is protecting us, growing us, loving us extravagantly, and making His awesome glory known through us.

what a beautiful place to call home.

a lesson on ownership and love.

"everything is Yours" 

were lyrics that not only entered my ear drum but infected my mind yesterday on the ride home from church. me & Graciela were lazily drifting off while the bus manuevered through the Sunday traffic, sharing ear buds and listening to her favorite singer, Audrey Assad.

"everything is Yours" 

three simple words that turn upside down my normal way of seeing things.

all my friendships, my dreams, my children, my work, belongs to God. and they can be taken away from me at any moment. none of it is mine; it is not truly I who has cultivated it, but God.

so do not clutch it with white knuckles desperately to your chest, but give it room to breathe and grow; let it be free. enjoy it while it's abiding in your life and understand when it's time for it to pass on to another's. because "the best way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."

our lives are full of variables; i could lose my own at any second. nothing is for certain. my girls are able to walk out the door without a kiss goodbye if they chose to. my friends aren't entitled to stick by my side; they have their own lives, their own visions. they won't always be making stories with me. the winds of change are constantly blowing, and i can't be running around putting paperweights on everything.

so don't take any of it for granted. grab ahold of all the little moments and watch them piece together into a beautiful panorama.

listen to your daughter tell you about her day, about her frustrations, about her friends and teachers and happy moments. give her too many hugs, and always share with her what you have. encourage her and tell her how pretty she is, how lovely her heart moves. because she could be gone tomorrow.

call your parents and tell them you love them. don't push them away when they show you affection. reaffirm them and spend time with them and tell them how grateful you are for them. because they won't be around to hear those words forever.

ask your friends how they're doing. dig deep, love them, correct them, be willing to do the little things with them. because next week they might decide to leave in pursuit of their dreams.

all that is earthly is temporary.

happy monday !

yesterday was full of challenges, frustrations, quality conversations, and a twinge of heartache. but it was a great lead-in to this week, and i am looking forward to what God has in store for us these next days. i feel like i'm breaking through to a new page, and although slightly nervous, i feel the progress shifting beneath my skin. i am happy for it.

my office is deserted, but the comforting words of Christ and a hot, bitter coffee are keeping me company. i couldn't be more grateful for the simple. this week, perhaps even today, i hope to write you something good and gritty, but first i must make headway on my workload, and not get lost between distractions.

so to everyone reading, a happy monday to you! may you enjoy it, even if your eyelids are closing, your body is acheing, your mind is preocuppied, or you don't know how you'll make it to tomorrow. Jesus is with you, the Spirit breathing inside of you, promising you new life, renewed strength, an everlasting love. rest in His grace.

home

i used to think home was one, solitary place.
home base.

at the age of twelve, i thought my world was crushed. my home base was moved now two hours south, everything backwards: out in the country instead of in the city, going to public school instead of private school, not really knowing a soul.
so i cried alot, and muddied through the change with clenched fists and a quiet stare. i hated the first year, hated all the changes, hated everything but mostly out of spite, with the slowly dying hope that someday i'd get to go back.

well i never went back. i finished my junior high and high school years in that country town that rapidly grew into a new home. i caught myself, one day, actually grateful for the move, grateful for all the amazing people and awesome experiences it provided me with. i couldnt have imagined growing up any other way.

in my high school years, i started to branch out a bit, taking missions trips to Mexico every summer as well as volunteering my help at a Christian camp five hours north. i began to meet even more lovely people on both ends, my roots slowly wandering down deeper into these new soils.

home wasn't one place anymore.
it was a myriad of places, smells, feelings, changes, faces.

but homes always change.

so what is home now?

home's just being close to you, even when we don't share words or are out of laughter.
home's walking up the stairs to my dormitory.
home's brushing my girls' hair.
home's being in the office, being teased by my co-workers and laughing so hard tears slip out.
home's getting real with my sister and brother in law about how hard this lifestyle is.
home's giggling with my best friend over a Skype call and pretending that there isn't 4,000 miles in between us.

it's opening myself up to this peace Jesus gives me, that walking in His will, i'm right where He wants me to be... home.

a letter to you six months ago.

this is something i wrote to a friend six months ago, as well as a reflection on how
i've healed and grown from a destructive season in my life.

i want you to know that i know how it feels.

i know that everyday it rips your guts out with nearly every breath.
it         t
              w
             i
                 s
              t
          s  your intestines thin when you re-remember that it happened

{everything that happened}.

i know that your days are wracked with tight emptiness, and everything feels sharp; everything bears some mark of their name, like a harpoon to your >lungs.

i get it.

sometimes the pain still ricochets through my chest, shocking my nerves, rattling my skull. it comes less frequently now, the pain, but it's still there, halfway buried, halfway excavated.

the key here is time + discipline. you musn't soley rely on time, because if you make no effort on your part, time is only going to amplify the ache. you must be disciplined, and shift your thoughts {the thousands of memories} to ones more edifying, constantly refreshing your perspective.
you are  s e p a r a t e  now, no longer bound by the present. it is a disservice to let your past tie you to a stake in the ground.
you musn't seek a replacement either, because it's only going to unravel you further, creating even more abrasions when it inevitably comes to an end.

wait until I give it to you.

do you believe what you've heard?

what would your life look like if you actually believed the truth?

if you actually had confidence in who you are? and not a false, self-righteous humility, nor an incredibly inflated ego.... i'm talking genuine confidence and true comfortability in the skin that encapsulates your soul.

what if you believed you were created particularly the way you are for innumerable reasons? that every little detail, line, pore, blood cell, personality quirk, was thought out beforehand? that there's no reason to be ashamed of any of it? that even in your weakness (and especially in your weakness), you were made to glorify God's power, to reflect His light?

and what if it wasn't just head knowledge, that it didn't come from reading this blog, nor seeing pinterest quotes, nor hearing a sermon, but actually feeling the truth resonate into the depth of your bones? that you knew, without a fraction of a doubt, that Jesus loves your more that you can imagine? that He is enchanted by you, wild for you?

how would you live? ...might you change a few things?

let it seep into your bloodstream, into your framework, into the well of your soul. it's true. this God, He's crazy about you. it's not about what you've got to offer Him; it's not any of your prayers nor "good deeds" nor kind words; it's nothing you can earn. it's because you're His child. He's bought you, adopted you, chosen you. He's branded "MINE" across your heart. you're His. since you didn't earn it, it can't be taken away. He gives it freely. you're His son, His daughter; not a statistic, not a number. He calls you by your name.

He loves you.

and it's not love like you've known.
it's a love that sacrifices, that corrects, that always has your best in mind.
He guides you and teaches you because He knows you and knows what's upcoming. He doesn't force Himself upon you, but patiently waits for you, waits for you to see His love, accept His love, trust and rest in His love.

so trust in it. exhale and rest in it.
nothing will be the same after you let yourself be changed
by His love.

your plans, your desires, your relationships, your heart, is not safe in your hands. put them in Mine.

Child, quit begging. Come to Me in trust. Trust that I will provide the words, the visions. Don't come to Me with a mouth full of eloquent words; instead, come to Me with trust. I will provide.

rough areas.

one of my biggest problems is my inability to deal with reality. i’m not quite sure how i acquired this habit (perhaps several years ago, when i started to ignore God speaking in my life), but it has lead to many misunderstandings, false expectations, and semi-deep wounds in my life and in the lives of others.

when things start to get real, when things start to get serious, i start to get quiet, funny, and detached. i start telling myself lies, like "you’re just making up what’s happening" and "it’s not a big deal, it’ll be over soon so just play along and don’t worry about it. "

and whoa. it’s done me alot of damage. because one day, i begin to realize that what’s been happening really is real, and i’m the one who’s been playing with everyone’s heads all along.

i’ve got to own up for my inaction.

real life takes courage.

and i’m a coward.

getting better at being honest, but still a coward.

who i used to be seems so distant from the girl i am now. and not saying that i’m better, necessarily, just that i’m in a different place in my life, a different stage, at a different understanding. sometimes it’s hard to believe that i’ve come so far- that God’s helping me kick the habit of lying, that He’s opening me up to vulnerability, that He’s continuing to show me how much He loves me through those who surround me. but at the same time, i see the vast expanse of who i'm not- all the areas i have yet to develop, yet to mature, yet to overcome.

and despite the trainwreck i continue to be, He continues to be faithful. He continues to love me. He continues to be patient, reach for my hand, and correct me. i’m left with a constant bewildered feeling of “i don’t deserve this.” He is SO GOOD to me! He’s the One who takes all the glory, because in my sorry state without Him, I do nothing but destroy.

what a pure love He gives us.

a series of goodbyes

i’m a mother of seven now.

to the person reading me for the first time, seven sounds like a substantial responsibility, but when i say seven, i really mean “one less than eight”-  the gap of her absence still resounds in this house.

one of our loveliest ladies left last week, leaving us waving goodbye with heavy hearts and downturned mouths.

to be honest, i can’t quite spell out why exactly the exit lights turned on so abruptly or who´s fingers flicked them, but somehow her mom’s custody papers went through faster than expected and all of a sudden she had the opportunity to leave.

we knew it was coming; it had been talked about. 

but it happened several weeks early;
so unexpected on an otherwise normal tuesday morning.

and how do you even react? the words barely came. “here, you can use my luggage to put your stuff into. but this all doesn’t sound right to me! you don’t have to go yet if you don’t want to- you have a voice.”

and the thing is, she was set on staying, until all of a sudden she wasn’t. the window of opportunity was open wide- she hesitated for a second, thinking, but then raced excitedly through, leaving a veering trail of tight hugs, radiant smiles, and blown kisses.

and it’s hard to know just what to say. in fact, i didn’t say much of anything. “i love you, beautiful, and hope things go well. we’ll be praying for you.” because how do things even happen like this? like my friend Alisha said

“Kids don’t just... leave. They’re not supposed to.”

i could list a hundred things i should have said after the fact. but that's beside the point- she has left. i was mulling it over in my head, and it's kind of like when you let a butterfly go after you've raised it from a caterpillar: it's this amazingly complex creature, and it's safe and sound (to a degree) within it's cage, but you know that when it's finally released to the open air, it's fly or tailspin. you know that it will encounter storms, nighttime, thick dark forests, and dangerous birds that'll want to eat it alive. but like another friend told me, "she's been here awhile and accepted the opportunity to do life outside. the only thing you can do now is pray for her, trust God to protect her, and ask that He would keep your doubts from coming true."

anyways. through it all, i'm constantly reminded of the transition in this community. it’s the very essence of life, and of this house especially. sometimes transition is devastating, and sometimes it’s beautiful, but a lot of the time, it’s just one big mix of both.

cheers to dealing with reality.
God, I'm trusting You to take care of all of us.

oof. what a process life is.
the highs and lows, the smiles and tears, the changes and growing and frustrations.

how do you fan the flame of their passion for God?

through prayer. through questions. through being intentional. through hugs and smiles and encouraging words even when they're practically eating you alive.

His love for them is relentless.

let Him love through me.

a whirlwind of teaching.

life's been a whirlwind lately, and God's been teaching me alot. each time i think i'm getting a handle on life [here], another change rushes in and im left spinning in circles once again.

-i've been learning about the messiness of life lately. i don't think it'd be honest for anyone to say that their life isn't messy, because even the holiest of saints still carries their share of human garbage. sinking your hands into the guts and recesses of human life is difficult, and you're bound to get some stains in the process.

-a life following Jesus means a life of dying to yourself so that Christ can resurrect Himself in you. it's a process, and a difficult one, but we have nothing to fear in death. in death, Christ can shine through and make known His presence. we sacrifice for our own good, but even more for His glory.

-the gospel of Jesus >>> the gospel of Keti. i could write a whole post on this one (you know what, maybe I will..), but basically it boils down to, who's gospel am i preaching? when i "stick up" for myself, for my rights, as a woman, an American, a youth, am i doing it in a manner that shows Jesus' love? or am i doing it just to prove my point? to get my way?

-the physical is just a disguise, and everything earthly is temporary. these bodies are really only shells for the souls inside, and most of the important things that happen, we are unable to see with our limited physical vision. we walk in the spiritual world but often don't even fully realize it or take it seriously.

-raising kids with another supervisor is almost like being married and having children. you have to learn to sacrifice, pick up the slack, and back one another up, or else you're not really going to get anywhere.

living in community takes an endless amount of guts and honesty and willingness to listen. but at the end of the day, i'm so grateful for this opportunity to work and serve right in the middle of where God has placed me. all glory goes to Him.

little big man

one of my favorite little boys left yesterday.

his nickname's Wil. he's ten, and he's witnessed a world of tragedies. he's more accustomed to pain than to love, so each time he encounters something that feels good, it makes him uncomfortable. the result is anger, and he inflicts pain on himself & others.

when he first arrived, eight months ago, he spit saliva & awful words at everyone.
he ripped his clothes, threw rocks at others (both figurative & literally).
he was one of our worst cases.

well, he's been coming into our office lately since he got kicked out of school. a girl in the office nextdoor keeps an eye on him, but he kinda roamed the whole wing, staying halfway occupied with toys or puzzles.

i'm not sure who talked to the other first, but over the course of those mornings, Wil & I became buddies. one morning i told him about airplanes and snow and how pretty the city lights look at night from up in the air, and he asked me if there were planes that robbed little kids, because he'd heard about them. one morning he dumped a slew of candy on my desk, saying it was for me, and i said "hey, how about we go around giving candy to everyone in the office? but! you've got to be sneaky about it and hide it on their desk somewhere." so he passed an impish grin up at me, and we crept around the office, sticking the candy in clever spots.

the morning that sticks out most clearly, though, was this past Tuesday. at 8:15 i was in the office, praying as the sun rose, when he walked in and started conversation. i set down my Bible and we began making shapes out of the three triangular rulers laying next to us. all of a sudden, it occured to me to ask him, "Wil, what's your definition of love?". he shrugged and said "i dont know", so i suggested, "how about i tell you how i define it?", opening my Bible to read him the well-known verses 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. he just listened quietly while i read them, then asked if he could go get a game to play, so i said sure.

he came back ten minutes later with an earring stuck through his ear. "i did it myself," he said. 

trying to take it in stride, i made him take it out and sit down while i disinfected it with hand sanitizer. we then decided to play games outside, going to the Garden of Hope to play Connect Four and Pictureka!. he beat me three times in a row in Connect Four. as we played Pictureka!, we got stumped on an image of underwear that we couldn't find anywhere on the board... i kept telling him we couldn't give up and finally, after five minutes, i prayed a simple prayer that God would help us find them. what dyou know, the next minute we found them. a little bit later, we got stumped on an image again, and he asked me "are you going to pray?"

when we returned to the office, he sat down in Gera's chair, playing with the knickknacks on his desk. i whispered to him, "why don't you leave him a note of encouragement?", so he grabbed a pen and cupped his hands around a small piece of paper. after he was done, he tucked it under Gera's mouse pad. i checked it later. it read:

"COURAGE, BECAUSE GOD LOVES YOU
AND CARES FOR YOU GERARDO."

we went on to play soccer and Uno, giggling up a storm, soft-smack-talking, having a blast. there was one point where he burst into laughter after laying down a "draw four", his light-filled eyes and big smile sparking so much joy in my soul.

...and the next day he left. he didn't want to be here anymore, wanted to return to where he came from. when i went to bid him goodbye, i put a note in his pocket that said "1 Corinthians 13. I love you Wil", gave him a bag full of fruit snacks, gum, and granola bars (all of which he ate before he left... #typicalboy), and hugged him real tight to my chest. he didn't say anything, only hugged me back.

hey Wil.
missing you in the mornings, little man.
you taught me alot about how to love.
i'm gonna keep praying God sends you an angel to keep you safe and show you how much He loves you.

after a vacation

so i made it back safely, after an eighteen-hour day that involved five airports, four flights, two semi-terrifying landings, and one mid-flight turn-around to get an un-broken plane.

how refreshing it is to be home. dont get me wrong, i dearly enjoyed my time in the States with my family and friends, but several days in, i had the itch to come back.

my home base has relocated. the majority of my friends live here. my work is here. some of my blood family is here, as well as my spiritual family.

going back reminded me how i'm no longer who i was, and gave me a grip on who i am now.

i don't want to undo these changes. glory to God, i won't go back to who i once was.  and that feels so freeing.

each season brings its own memories, and along with them, particular feelings. when the cold air ambushes our sheltered campus, my Midwestern lungs gladly welcome it. i never though i'd miss the snowfall, but i find myself missing the beauty of it, the certainty of the plans i'd make with friends to enjoy it, enjoying the way it was at the same time sheltering and transporting.

i miss the snow, but this is a new season: a season of revelation. the disguise of prettiness is melting off, showing what's been hidden underneath, soggy and blotchy and unkempt but somehow... somehow God says it's rescuable.

but to be rescued, i can't sit around waiting for it to just magically happen. i've got to get up and start seeking it out. i must put in my part and desire to be rescued, even if the process of being rescued hurts.

paintball, round 2

little brothers teach you alot.

on New Years Eve, four of my older girls, eight older boys, and three of us supervisors went to play paintball again. my girls had never gone before, and they completely surprised me with their resilience; they came out with more bruises than i did!

this time, already knowing how much it'd hurt, i did better and dared myself to play harder. of course, it wasn't as well as i could have competed, and, knowing my little brother, he was on my case after each round.

"keti, you can't sit and hide in the same spot!
that's why the other team always comes for you..

they know where you're hiding and they know you won't move.
you need to keep advancing! that's the whole point.
if you don't advance, we lose."

does this not sound like our walk with Christ?

let me reword what he said.

"you can't stay in the same place for too long.
that's why the enemy always comes for you.
he knows you're hiding and that you're too scared to go any farther.

advancement- going further, deeper- is the whole point.
if there isn't progress, you lose.

and it's not just the game you lose. it's your soul."

the whole point is to continue to hit it hard.
keep advancing.
if you find yourself content to stay in the same spot, trying to hide from the enemy, not desiring to move any farther ahead or be more risky, pretty soon someone's gonna sneak up and surprise attack you.

even though i switched spots several times, despite how well i thought i was hidden, they always found me and always smoked me out.
i must keep moving and taking risks.

God continues to use paintball and little brothers to re-teach me lessons i need to learn.