bathroom conversation

it's funny how the bathroom sometimes pulls out of us the most honest conversations. the other day me & several of my girls were chatting about who are favorite singers were- of course our "platica" (talk) then digressed to celebrities, and wouldn't you know, Miley Cyrus. "what a trainwreck," we both said, and then as an afterthought, i added "but there's still hope for her. not all's lost. she's just an example of someone who has everything at her fingertips and let it ruin her. sometimes i have to think how we would be if we were in her position, you know? fame really tests a person."

she said to me, "I think if i were living outside in the world, i'd be alot like her... probably even worse."

what an honest comment.

i responded, "lady, that's so true for me too," & shared with her a shred of my testimony. i found that we both know what it feels like to search out something in the world to give you peace but in the end not have peace at all. 

living with God is so much more than having your several months of brilliant crash-and-burn
in the public eye. God fills you up with purpose. the rest of this world sucks purpose from you, and you have to keep running back to vices to make yourself feel whole..

but the wholeness always seeps away.

the drugs, drinking, parties, sex, flirting, boyfriend bouncing, cruising, thugging, late night high life is 

NEVER

going to be enough.

and maybe you already know that. 

but you really ought to start believing it.

because until you do, you will continue to discover less and less substance to your life, and will keep feeling incredibly unhappy and unsatisfied with everything. 

do you get why you feel so much emptiness? it's because the only thing that is ever going to be enough is life with Him. 

nothing else can do it for you.

drifting along the hem of mountain roads

i found myself flailing for oxygen, floundering in a sea of self-doubt, throughout past twentyfour hours.

but there was a break.

the sun had already longset at 1120ish, and while everyone else in the van was already dreaming or halfway there, my fingers were leaving their prints on the window as my eyes strained to memorize the topography before me. the treeline silhouette had finally diminished and left me with lips parted and eyes wide in disbelief. there, dropped down over the edge of the road, a thousand and seven city lights quietly breathed amongst the darkness; an ocean of stars. i was stunned dumb. never before had i seen lights glimmering quite so strikingly; it was captivating.

somedays it's like i'm meandering through a minefield of dreams-
stepping gingerly, afraid of the potential below me. but when i "mis-step",
the explosion becomes God shattering my mis-guided concentration
with His unmistakable signature of beauty...
and im left to forget the physical and focus on the unseen.

the learning

it still astounds me, catches me off balance every once in awhile. i'm here, in the country of Mexico, speaking another language, making quality friends, listening to tragedies that have passed in the lives of those i'm getting to know.

//glimmers of song lyrics threading around in my mind, wrapping into my veins.

this weekend was a learning process, and the process continues each day. all my bad habits, all my detestable traits, are surfacing, and i must rightly deal with them. they can't be stuffed down, shoved under the rug, placed on the shelf any longer. they must be changed.

learning hurts- especially when it's learning through your mistakes.

but you must learn.

all the ideals i previously had about being a house mom have successfully been pulverized to smithereens. they're out the window. somehow i had held this glamorized concept of helping soothe hurting souls, giving advice, loving like Jesus did. not that that's not the case, but... what about when the kids think your advice is stupid? what about when they have horrible attitudes? what about when they make faces and talk about you behind your back?

loving doesn't always look like hugs and smiles.
sometimes it's remaining calm and treating them like an adult even when you want to smack them.
sometimes it's putting your foot down when they play the victim and
doling out punishment when it'd be easier to let them do what they want.
it looks like admitting you're wrong when you screw up.

it also is holding them in your arms when they're crying,
or praying for unity and peace in their family,

or listening to them tell you of the
terrible & unstable past they've muddled through.
it's being all there, through the good and bad, treating them as worthy and deserving daughters of Christ.

i've had a shower of doubts this week. sometimes i slip underneath. but God always finds a way to reaffirm why i'm here. i'm starting to think it's not so much for my girls, but for me-- to grind out my faults, to teach me to be an authentic follower of Christ, to depend solely on Him to be able to offer what can truly be of everlasting value.

i'm far from reaching that point.

but He's gently pushing me closer.

learn. and let it hurt.

desire

i long

to reveal humans for who they are:

beautiful, intricate, winding, an entire galaxy, glimmering, shattered, bleeding.

breathing but holding together messily glued fractured ribs.

i long to expose the streaks of God in our lives.

the miracles, the healings, the visions, the dreams,
the incredible passings

of Him in our lives.

His presence, His fidelity, through all our crap, our tremors, our doubtings,
our masks, disguises, oceans of pain and tears and heartache
His everlasting presence. it remains.

i need to expose this.

more importantly, i must live it.

and i must do so alongside others who believe it in their souls..

in the depth of their spirits.

maybe I’ll be oceans away from you forever.

//my life is forever in transit.