really growing up

I’m getting this sick kind of feeling about growing up. It’s all bittersweet. I am finding myself in the midst of this ocean, pulled farther and farther away from shore, having to let go of things I once held dear, throwing overboard some of what is close to me. I’m beginning to learn to sail by myself- making my own decisions, learning through mistakes- all while being blown by the winds of the Spirit. Sometimes I forget I’m in a different country, I forget that this isn’t just another short interim- I’m now committed for a year, to work and serve here. And then when I realize the landscape is different from what I’ve grown up around, I realize as well I’m surrounded by different, new friends; a different language; different humor; different cultural references; different food; different way of life. And this is growing up. Every season has an end, a mourning process. This is what I find myself in right now. A stage of bittersweet mourning, a spell of shipwreckedness and transformation.

I get alarmingly seasick when I look too far into the future, because I realize it’s out of my hands. It’s not going to look the same as my past, which was comfortable, because I had twenty years of accustoming and adjusting to it, and settling it into my bones. And now the panorama infront of me is clouded over, and I can’t trust my own way of seeing things- I have to wholly rely on the Sustainer to lead me through the fog, because there’s no way this little girl soul can navigate it.

I’ll be honest, the worst part about growing up is cutting off this seven-year friendship. It is enough to push me up against the rocks. My heart is shredding. I don’t feel like doing anything but lying around, drowning in sad music. But in our points of deepest weakness, of most pressing struggles, of greatest ache—here is where we have the opportunity to grow. We can either wallow around in the valley of death, cutting ourselves further open with memories and songs and pictures, or we can shift our focus to the sky, to the slopes that lead us out of the valley, sewing and patching ourselves back together with things positive and encouraging. It is a battle undoubtedly, and a constant one at that, but forever worth the fight.