2 august 2012

reading over old journal entries, and thought this one was worth re-writing.

it's been quite some time since i've picked up a pencil & let my thoughts spill across paper.
i think it is because things make more sense written out. it allows me to think clearly, but there's alot of issues i struggle with that i want to ignore, so i don't write. no writing = less conviction.

i have been reading so much more frequently- books with lovely ideas and concepts that push me to think deeply about life, and how i am living it. i think it'd be quite easy for me to become consumed with travelling and departure and letting go of shit i've known. running away, some might say. a part of me feels like i want to find myself, my niche, my purpose. i'm so un-figured out. i want to roam, to love, to see, to discover, to create, to live simply, to depend and depend not. i think the saddest part of travelling to new places is that, in the process, you leave behind parts of yourself in people and peoples you've grown to love-- and in leaving, you've now got all these empty parts, and sometimes you become so riddled with holes that you just keep leaving in search of new pieces that'll fit. and when you return, it's never the way it was when you left. people go on without you. places change and take new shape. so you find that maybe you aren't as important as you thought you were. after all, it seems that we're all just wandering souls in search of others to fix, complete, fill us.

nicole said that "a small piece of us is everywhere we experience change." i want to list all the places that i rest in:
         mexico
         stevens point
         fort wilderness
         sheboygan
         neenah
         sauk
         edgerton
i am in all these places, and all these places are within me. i want to find myself in so many more. i want to travel to the East Coast- where exactly, i dont know- and to Oregon, and to Egypt, and to Greece, and to Africa, and wherever. I want to live in different houses, living simply yet beautifully always, and to be careful with my roots. sometimes i wonder if i ever want to settle. i think what scares me is expending my heart (if i ever do) and not seeing people again- missing them till i ache.