30.5.13

Today I am struggling with my life back in the States. If I’m being honest, I miss it, and sometimes this road I’m walking seems stressful, forever busy, and never-ending. Some days my heart is so heavy, and I don’t feel redeemed, and I get tangled up in my feelings and thoughts. I think I’m irritable right now because I’m tired and fasted today (except for supper) and will be doing the same tomorrow. I really want to make it a point to God that I’m willing to give up worldly things to draw closer to Him, that I want to seek Him out and put Him first, but sometimes I just have a shitty attitude about it and need Him to change my heart, my perspective.

MaryBeth left today, full of smiles and tears and hugs, and I sincerely hope and pray the best for that lady. It’s weird watching someone you’ve lived with leave, noting the absence of their presence in the bed across from you, the emptiness of the closet that once held their belongings. I know that that will be me in two months, and I can imagine the feelings she is experiencing right now.

Today I listened to my own advice and took more or less advantage of my time with the adolescent girls, helping one with her math homework, giggling with others about imitating American-accented Spanish, and sharing stories of hair and people we know. I really enjoyed spending time with them, learning patience with the math problems, and working around communication deficits [in me].

Listening to Anberlin right now is provoking nostalgia, not necessarily because of the last time I listened to them (because these are new songs) but because of the lyrics and their gravity, and I just miss my friends back home[s]- the Sauk core four and our undeniable laziness yet constant contentment with each other; the sweet air of Fort and the ever-present possibility of adventure amongst the most interesting of friends; the sandy wet edge of Lake Michigan with my sisters and their families; Nicole’s apartment in the Cities and the beautiful mix of people that live within those walls. Home is such an interesting concept to me, and how it is not necessarily a place but moreso a feeling you get when you’re with people who know your soul, with those whom you share countless memories and laughter, along with tears and disenchantment, the same details of heartbreak and joy imprinted on multiple sets of hearts. Someday I want to write a piece on how captivated I am by this concept, but for now, I will continue to build yet another home here in Mexico, amidst toothy smiles, contagious laughter, consistent encouragement, and most importantly, the all-consuming love and purpose and sovereignty in Christ.