this week has been a week
full of tears. Not necessarily bad ones, but the ones you cry when you are
experiencing growth, be it painful, needed, or avoided. And they weren’t all
mine either, although some of them were- moreso witnessing the guts of others
spill out into the open, those sometimes rare glimpses into the fragile
humanity of those around you.
This week, we had several hours of ministry for all of
us, essentially a time where we individually spoke with two leaders (females
with females, males with males) and expunged things on our hearts that had
damaged us- things that have stunted growth, held us back, kept us
captive. I was the second-to-last girl,
watching most of the others come back with watery eyes and weak smiles who were
feeling that bittersweet feeling, finally finding freedom after having wallowed
in pain and shame. I spoke with Ivonne and Sandra- we opened up by praying,
then I voiced three matters that had weighed heavy on my heart, and was surprised
to find that they had struggled with much of what I had/still do. They invited
me to pray and ask forgiveness, and then they prayed for me, that God would
liberate me and get rid of all that was eating away at me, make me new. I left
feeling untied; amazed, as well, because there are some things that shame me to
share with anyone, and finding that not only was I not judged for it, but someone else had battled with the same
thing… that was a big encouragement. I think that when people begin to be honest
with each other, allowing themselves to be transparent without fear of judgment,
that is where you find true beauty in the human condition.
The founder of Esperanza Viva, Jerry McNally, spoke to us
for an hour on Thursday night. What stood out most to me was the part in his
story when he found himself back in his old church, after six months on the
mission’s field, everyone looking at him as if he were a worm for coming back.
He put his head down in frustration, clamoring to God, “God, I feel like a worm.
I don’t know how to deal with this pressure of the opinions of others.” And he
started to see this vision in his mind, of God seated on the throne in front of
him, wearing this amazing crown, indescribable. And Jerry was approaching the
throne, coming closer to God, when he realized that he was wearing a crown as
well. And God looked at Jerry and said “My son, you are a king.” As Jerry
uttered these words to us, his eyes were tinting red with tears, even though
this had happened over twenty years ago- this experience was so moving, so
profound, that it continues to impact him today. It impacted me hard, because
Jerry is such a strong man, preaching and following God fiercely, and I’ve
never seen a vulnerable side to him.
Three of us viñeros hold a theater class for the kids
every Friday, working with about fourteen of them. We were practicing this
particular Friday, the last practice time we had before the next day’s
performance. The kids, of course, were squirrelly because it was after lunch,
not really wanting to keep repeating it out in the hot sun. We kept having to
redirect Eric’s attention to his part of acting like Satan, instead of rocking
out on an air guitar or staring up into the sky. All of a sudden he just walked
out, and didn’t come back. Us three were super disappointed, since he’s the
oldest of the group and sets the biggest example for everyone, not to mention
we had to find someone else to sub in for him for the next day. Long story
short, Toño took his spot, and the performance went really well. The next
Friday, we had a celebration time for the kids, with Mango Tang and three bags
of Cheetos. Eric had returned, but was mostly listless and refusing to eat or
drink any of the snacks. After class, he was sitting by himself on the bench,
and me, Angie, & Oscar confronted him. Literally for the first five
minutes, he wouldn’t say a word. Angie kept saying “Hey Eric, speak! Are you going
to talk to us or not? How’re we sposed to help when you keep your lips shut?
Don’t act like a child- tell us what’s going on.” Finally, through boy tears
and stuttered, mumbled words, he told us last Friday there’d been a problem in
his dorm that he’d been upset and frustrated out, and that translated to him
walking out on practice. Of course we told him that if he’d had told us, we’d
have let him go and cool down without a problem. I told him that he has a lot
of influence with the other kids, and that he ought to keep that in mind and
use it to set a good example for others. He nodded, and we asked him to talk to
us if he had any problems in the future, and that was it. It was just really
touching to see one of the older boys start crying because they’d felt bad
about what had happened.
All this to say, let your guard down. Enter into honesty
with others, and be surprised how much it will deepen and enrich your
relationships. Many times we live under the lie that if we keep everything
inside, seem like we’ve got it all together, then no big deal, we’re okay. No
one needs to see our guts. But this is so untrue! Open your lips, let truth
spill from them, and I think you’ll find that many of us are struggling with
the same problems, keeping the same secrets, hiding from the same demons. If
you don’t bring these dark areas of your life to the light, bring these wounds,
these struggles, out into the open, they’re never going to heal. Let yourself
regain your strength by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and weak.
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