a whirlwind of teaching.

life's been a whirlwind lately, and God's been teaching me alot. each time i think i'm getting a handle on life [here], another change rushes in and im left spinning in circles once again.

-i've been learning about the messiness of life lately. i don't think it'd be honest for anyone to say that their life isn't messy, because even the holiest of saints still carries their share of human garbage. sinking your hands into the guts and recesses of human life is difficult, and you're bound to get some stains in the process.

-a life following Jesus means a life of dying to yourself so that Christ can resurrect Himself in you. it's a process, and a difficult one, but we have nothing to fear in death. in death, Christ can shine through and make known His presence. we sacrifice for our own good, but even more for His glory.

-the gospel of Jesus >>> the gospel of Keti. i could write a whole post on this one (you know what, maybe I will..), but basically it boils down to, who's gospel am i preaching? when i "stick up" for myself, for my rights, as a woman, an American, a youth, am i doing it in a manner that shows Jesus' love? or am i doing it just to prove my point? to get my way?

-the physical is just a disguise, and everything earthly is temporary. these bodies are really only shells for the souls inside, and most of the important things that happen, we are unable to see with our limited physical vision. we walk in the spiritual world but often don't even fully realize it or take it seriously.

-raising kids with another supervisor is almost like being married and having children. you have to learn to sacrifice, pick up the slack, and back one another up, or else you're not really going to get anywhere.

living in community takes an endless amount of guts and honesty and willingness to listen. but at the end of the day, i'm so grateful for this opportunity to work and serve right in the middle of where God has placed me. all glory goes to Him.

little big man

one of my favorite little boys left yesterday.

his nickname's Wil. he's ten, and he's witnessed a world of tragedies. he's more accustomed to pain than to love, so each time he encounters something that feels good, it makes him uncomfortable. the result is anger, and he inflicts pain on himself & others.

when he first arrived, eight months ago, he spit saliva & awful words at everyone.
he ripped his clothes, threw rocks at others (both figurative & literally).
he was one of our worst cases.

well, he's been coming into our office lately since he got kicked out of school. a girl in the office nextdoor keeps an eye on him, but he kinda roamed the whole wing, staying halfway occupied with toys or puzzles.

i'm not sure who talked to the other first, but over the course of those mornings, Wil & I became buddies. one morning i told him about airplanes and snow and how pretty the city lights look at night from up in the air, and he asked me if there were planes that robbed little kids, because he'd heard about them. one morning he dumped a slew of candy on my desk, saying it was for me, and i said "hey, how about we go around giving candy to everyone in the office? but! you've got to be sneaky about it and hide it on their desk somewhere." so he passed an impish grin up at me, and we crept around the office, sticking the candy in clever spots.

the morning that sticks out most clearly, though, was this past Tuesday. at 8:15 i was in the office, praying as the sun rose, when he walked in and started conversation. i set down my Bible and we began making shapes out of the three triangular rulers laying next to us. all of a sudden, it occured to me to ask him, "Wil, what's your definition of love?". he shrugged and said "i dont know", so i suggested, "how about i tell you how i define it?", opening my Bible to read him the well-known verses 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. he just listened quietly while i read them, then asked if he could go get a game to play, so i said sure.

he came back ten minutes later with an earring stuck through his ear. "i did it myself," he said. 

trying to take it in stride, i made him take it out and sit down while i disinfected it with hand sanitizer. we then decided to play games outside, going to the Garden of Hope to play Connect Four and Pictureka!. he beat me three times in a row in Connect Four. as we played Pictureka!, we got stumped on an image of underwear that we couldn't find anywhere on the board... i kept telling him we couldn't give up and finally, after five minutes, i prayed a simple prayer that God would help us find them. what dyou know, the next minute we found them. a little bit later, we got stumped on an image again, and he asked me "are you going to pray?"

when we returned to the office, he sat down in Gera's chair, playing with the knickknacks on his desk. i whispered to him, "why don't you leave him a note of encouragement?", so he grabbed a pen and cupped his hands around a small piece of paper. after he was done, he tucked it under Gera's mouse pad. i checked it later. it read:

"COURAGE, BECAUSE GOD LOVES YOU
AND CARES FOR YOU GERARDO."

we went on to play soccer and Uno, giggling up a storm, soft-smack-talking, having a blast. there was one point where he burst into laughter after laying down a "draw four", his light-filled eyes and big smile sparking so much joy in my soul.

...and the next day he left. he didn't want to be here anymore, wanted to return to where he came from. when i went to bid him goodbye, i put a note in his pocket that said "1 Corinthians 13. I love you Wil", gave him a bag full of fruit snacks, gum, and granola bars (all of which he ate before he left... #typicalboy), and hugged him real tight to my chest. he didn't say anything, only hugged me back.

hey Wil.
missing you in the mornings, little man.
you taught me alot about how to love.
i'm gonna keep praying God sends you an angel to keep you safe and show you how much He loves you.

after a vacation

so i made it back safely, after an eighteen-hour day that involved five airports, four flights, two semi-terrifying landings, and one mid-flight turn-around to get an un-broken plane.

how refreshing it is to be home. dont get me wrong, i dearly enjoyed my time in the States with my family and friends, but several days in, i had the itch to come back.

my home base has relocated. the majority of my friends live here. my work is here. some of my blood family is here, as well as my spiritual family.

going back reminded me how i'm no longer who i was, and gave me a grip on who i am now.

i don't want to undo these changes. glory to God, i won't go back to who i once was.  and that feels so freeing.

each season brings its own memories, and along with them, particular feelings. when the cold air ambushes our sheltered campus, my Midwestern lungs gladly welcome it. i never though i'd miss the snowfall, but i find myself missing the beauty of it, the certainty of the plans i'd make with friends to enjoy it, enjoying the way it was at the same time sheltering and transporting.

i miss the snow, but this is a new season: a season of revelation. the disguise of prettiness is melting off, showing what's been hidden underneath, soggy and blotchy and unkempt but somehow... somehow God says it's rescuable.

but to be rescued, i can't sit around waiting for it to just magically happen. i've got to get up and start seeking it out. i must put in my part and desire to be rescued, even if the process of being rescued hurts.

paintball, round 2

little brothers teach you alot.

on New Years Eve, four of my older girls, eight older boys, and three of us supervisors went to play paintball again. my girls had never gone before, and they completely surprised me with their resilience; they came out with more bruises than i did!

this time, already knowing how much it'd hurt, i did better and dared myself to play harder. of course, it wasn't as well as i could have competed, and, knowing my little brother, he was on my case after each round.

"keti, you can't sit and hide in the same spot!
that's why the other team always comes for you..

they know where you're hiding and they know you won't move.
you need to keep advancing! that's the whole point.
if you don't advance, we lose."

does this not sound like our walk with Christ?

let me reword what he said.

"you can't stay in the same place for too long.
that's why the enemy always comes for you.
he knows you're hiding and that you're too scared to go any farther.

advancement- going further, deeper- is the whole point.
if there isn't progress, you lose.

and it's not just the game you lose. it's your soul."

the whole point is to continue to hit it hard.
keep advancing.
if you find yourself content to stay in the same spot, trying to hide from the enemy, not desiring to move any farther ahead or be more risky, pretty soon someone's gonna sneak up and surprise attack you.

even though i switched spots several times, despite how well i thought i was hidden, they always found me and always smoked me out.
i must keep moving and taking risks.

God continues to use paintball and little brothers to re-teach me lessons i need to learn.

what if?

during highschool and college, i ran with one of the tightest crews (which was really only four of us), & we were/are real good proof that friends become family and people that work their way into your bones and make a permanent mark on your life. one of our things was to come up with ridiculous "what if's..", like:
"what if we drove through McDonald's door with Dustin's car?" or
"what if I shot a pistol through the drums at this concert?" or
"what if i threw a tantrum in the mall until you bought me a stuffed animal from this kiosk?" or
"what if i used nail polish as lipstick?"
..just really nutty stuff that we'd laugh so hard about we'd cry, but never have the guts to do.

but lately a new set of what if?s have been drifting across my mind

and they go something like this..

what if the point of my life isn't to fall in love, to find "the one"?

what if it's not about getting married?

what if it's not about having a happily ever after?

what if it's not about dying peacefully at 90 years old?

what if it's about dying at twentysomething?

what if it's about getting roughed up, robbed from, beat up, violated,
dying fighting for freedom and liberation?

what if my life isn't the typical American dream i thought it was?

what if life wasn't what i thought it was at all?

guys, get this. God works in ways we're usually not expecting. our time here is about falling in love with Him who created us, and glorifying Him with the life He gave us, because it's not just in our earthly life that God is honored and souls are impacted, but in our earthly deaths as well.

life is about dying for a reason.
don't be so sure yours is going to be so long.

& that's the whole point of tomorrows. they're another chance to start over, to continue with something good.
today isn't the end. it never is.