the learning

it still astounds me, catches me off balance every once in awhile. i'm here, in the country of Mexico, speaking another language, making quality friends, listening to tragedies that have passed in the lives of those i'm getting to know.

//glimmers of song lyrics threading around in my mind, wrapping into my veins.

this weekend was a learning process, and the process continues each day. all my bad habits, all my detestable traits, are surfacing, and i must rightly deal with them. they can't be stuffed down, shoved under the rug, placed on the shelf any longer. they must be changed.

learning hurts- especially when it's learning through your mistakes.

but you must learn.

all the ideals i previously had about being a house mom have successfully been pulverized to smithereens. they're out the window. somehow i had held this glamorized concept of helping soothe hurting souls, giving advice, loving like Jesus did. not that that's not the case, but... what about when the kids think your advice is stupid? what about when they have horrible attitudes? what about when they make faces and talk about you behind your back?

loving doesn't always look like hugs and smiles.
sometimes it's remaining calm and treating them like an adult even when you want to smack them.
sometimes it's putting your foot down when they play the victim and
doling out punishment when it'd be easier to let them do what they want.
it looks like admitting you're wrong when you screw up.

it also is holding them in your arms when they're crying,
or praying for unity and peace in their family,

or listening to them tell you of the
terrible & unstable past they've muddled through.
it's being all there, through the good and bad, treating them as worthy and deserving daughters of Christ.

i've had a shower of doubts this week. sometimes i slip underneath. but God always finds a way to reaffirm why i'm here. i'm starting to think it's not so much for my girls, but for me-- to grind out my faults, to teach me to be an authentic follower of Christ, to depend solely on Him to be able to offer what can truly be of everlasting value.

i'm far from reaching that point.

but He's gently pushing me closer.

learn. and let it hurt.