unclogging the shower filter

for the past two months, showering has been way less satisfying than it normally is, and let me tell you why: imagine taking a shower in luke-warm water with only six measly streams cautiously leaving the showerhead to feather down your body. it sounds like something you don't even have TIME for. i didn't really realize how different our shower was from everyone else's until i stayed at an airbnb in Miami for a women's conference two weeks ago (more on that later!) and showered in what could have easily been interchanged for a fire hydrant. translation: it was so, so lovely. how i had taken water pressure for granted!

our showering experience for the past two months

several nights ago, we had family over and alexis and i decided to take apart our shower filter to see if we could improve the showering experience for our guests. lo and behold, with the whole head removed and nothing detaining the water, it rushed out much more decidedly! so alexis and i knew that something was going on with the actual head attachment, and upon closer scrutiny, there was a thin layer of dark green mineral backup on the filter's crosshatch (where the water went in), found as well on more than half the tiny water exits (where the water came out). with an old toothbrush and our fingernails, we sloughed off all the mineral backup that we could see. hoping for the best, we screwed in the shower head again and what do you know, there was ACTUAL water pressure coming from the ENTIRE thing! needless to say, showering has been much better since.

forty minutes after we resolved the shower issue, the Holy Spirit spoke and i understood. this was a visual representation of what needed to be done in the both of us: a detoxification, a decontamination, a thorough cleansing of buildup that had accumulated over the past months and years and kept us from letting God flow through us as freely as He wants to. sometimes certain beliefs, actions, traditions, or thought patterns that we incorporate into our daily life and routine can truly hinder the Holy Spirit from moving through us and using us, and the result is ugly. check out what Jesus says about this:

"You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean." Matthew 23:26, ESV

here Jesus paints a pretty clear picture that even if we look great on the outside and appear to have it all together, it's what's INSIDE that counts. if the inside of your rose-gold coffee mug isn't clean, you're going to want to wash it first before you drink out of it. if only dribbles of water are coming out of your sparkling silver shower head, you're going to want to check out what's inside blocking the water before you take a shower (unless you're me, and you're too blind to recognize the problem until someone else points it out!) (yes, i just compared myself to the blind Pharisee, so if you think i am here pointing fingers, i'm mostly just pointing fingers at myself #RealTalk).

this whole process [of leaving familiarity to jump into the unknown] has been a big reset and cleansing for me: spiritually, emotionally, mentally. it hasn't been easy. as the showerhead, i've fought the toothbrush, not wanting to let go of all the residue that's become so comfortably a part of me, even beginning to believe the lie that whispered "you don't want more Water to flow through you, you're just fine how you are!"

but it's time, folks. it's time to forget the lies, the dirt we've accumulated over the years, the opinions of others, past traumas that we've let dictate our present, and allow the Holy Spirit to come in with His plumbing tools and give us a thorough purification treatment, removing all doctrines, actions, words, choices, entertainment, relationships, thoughts, etc. that do not permit Him to flow through us as He has desired. and most importantly? once He's done that - besides being grateful to Him - we should do our best to preserve that new purity that He's given us. if we immediately let those things back in that He's already sloughed away, then what's the point of Him cleaning?

exhaling the silence // update

i've been off the grid for awhile, been in a bit of a writing slump for much longer, and quite honestly every time i tried to write this blog post it just didn't come out sounding the way i wanted it to. this post probably won't either but it's time to write it anyways. :)

a month ago, i served my last day at Esperanza Viva with Living Hope International. it was tearful yet hopeful, as often are the new adventures that God calls you to. the day was bittersweet, finally arriving at the culmination of my past five years there, knowing that my last page in that chapter was being closed, the period drying and no longer able to be smudged into a comma.

like any end of a chapter has, there was backstory, some of it intentionally left out by the protagonist (yours truly) and other parts written between the lines, but to boil it all down for you: alexis and i knew there was something dawning on the horizon even before we got married, however we were unsure of exactly what was arising. with the passing of time and as we talked with God, what we began to see coming into focus was the closing of a season, namely, with EV and the community we had built; and that doors were being opened for us to enter into a new season with another local church and ministry.

you can imagine our discomfort and hesitance at first as we thought through all we would leave behind- serving alongside beautiful friends, serving on an awesome multimedia team at church, interacting with broken yet beautiful children, a wonderfully built and organized organization and community that loves God... all to head into the [semi] unknown and basically push "restart" on all the aforementioned. but God continued calling, continued confirming, continued encouraging, and continued loving. so we made the decision to leave EV in late March and begin attending a new church, Generation of Impacting the Kingdom, to continue sharing God's love, investing in His Kingdom, and preparing and equipping ourselves to be the missionaries he's called us to be!


what has that looked like for us in the past month? semi-wild, to be honest :) a few highlights were:

-a good friend from Sauk high school came to visit us for four days on spring break (less than a week after i left EV!). the whole visit was completely orchestrated by God, and the last night we were all in tears as she accepted Jesus and He spoke words of life over her

-we've been attending Biblical leadership classes each Saturday as we prepare ourselves to become small group leaders in the next few months (the super cool thing about it is that you have to evangelize to others who you then invite to your small group and follow up with, thus reaching out to more and more people in your community and neighborhood with Jesus' love and power!)

-we've also been attending weekly family/marriage classes that emphasize and focus on strengthening the family dynamic and all that God intended it to be!!! (i added so many exclamation points because i just really enjoy it)


alexis and i have had extra time (which has been very special!) to be together and pray, read the Word, and prepare ourselves for what is upcoming this year. we are trusting God and are confident that we are in the right place at the right time to continue being missionaries and lovers of God just as He's called us to be. as we become more involved in this ministry, we are hoping to open a small group in the next couple months, serve more in our church, travel to outlying communities more often to share the word of God with small groups linked to our church, and dedicate more time reaching out to and investing in the people around us (which really means- old friends from Alexis' past that are lost and searching in the wrong areas; people on the street that need a transformation that only God can give them; spending time with and encouraging new and old believers alike; etc). i will continue to be operating as a full-time missionary and we're praying over a part-time job for Alexis as his heart is deeply rooted in serving God as well.

this new adventure is just beginning and already we've been so blown away by God's grace, love, and power this last month. <3

close or comfortable?

my husband and i have been married for four months now (i know- so many things happened in this lapse of not writing!), and in that short time, we have noticed huge differences between us. not even so much cultural​, but just personal preference. i'm convinced he is cold-blooded because in order to sleep at night, he has to be covered with at least two blankets over his flannel pj's and socks. me on the other hand?​ i sleep as if it were summer all year-round, and can only handle a sheet and maybe a thin blanket to tuck me in. so, on any given night after 11 pm, either i'm laying under the covers sweating, or he's freezing with not enough blankets.. we're still trying to uncover best way to balance covers and comfortableness (go figure that this was going to be such an important area of our lives to figure out!).

my mom sent down stringlights from the States so our house could feel homey- she's the best! :)

a week or two ago, i was laying in bed t i r e d. it was 11:27 pm and i still hadn't fallen asleep, and couldn't get comfortable next to his dreaming body. so i put twelve inches of dead air between us, pushed 3 layers of blankets over him, and laid comfortably under one sheet. and waited.

​sleep didn't come though; it rarely does in less than forty minutes, due to the heavy volume of thought processing my mind does in the evening hours.​ as my thoughts spun imaginary tapestries, an interrupting sentence entered from nowhere

do you want to be close? or comfortable?

immediately i could feel that this was both multi-leveled and from the Holy Spirit.

close? or comfortable?

​did i want to be close to my husband, even though it meant feeling like i had a fever because of the mass amount of blankets? even though his flesh and bones weren't as comfortable and soft as a fluffy pillow? ​even though sometimes my limbs are bent at awkward angles?

or did i prefer to forego intimacy to sleep comfortably?

now before some of you start saying "yeah sweetheart, you say that because you've been married for less than 150 days, when life starts to get real you'll understand the importance of a comfortable night's sleep".. hear me out, because it isn't exactly the point. try it phrased like this..

do i want to be close to God, even though it can mean feeling like i'm melting in the midst of a blazing furnace? even though being close to Him isn't as comfortable as simply lifting my gaze away from the homeless and poor, instead of stopping, looking into their eyes, and offering them something more? even though sometimes i feel more stretched than my human skin can handle?

or do i want to be comfortable, putting just enough space between me and Him so that it's harder for Him to touch me?

when my head is on Alexis' chest, i can hear his heart beat. my head rises and falls as it follows the path of oxygen in and out of his lungs. it is not the most comfortable, but it is the most beautiful, and the most intimate.

when i choose to draw close to my Father, to hear the rhythm of His heartbeat, it is not always so comfortable. sometimes it means not going straight home to our warm house to eat a nice dinner, but to stop in the middle of the street and pray for my husband while he ministers to the homeless guy who washes windshields to pay for dinner with the few pesos he earns. sometimes it means inviting over a girl to stay the night when you'd much rather have your privacy. sometimes it means opening up and speaking your deepest questions to someone else because that brings so much more freedom than hiding it does. sometimes it means letting the Holy Spirit wake you up in the middle of the night to pray for friends and family when you'd much rather sleep until your alarm sounds.

but being close to the heart of God, although not often comfortable, is the most beautiful and the most intimate.

so whether you're cold blooded and crave blankets, or warm blooded and crave the cool air, let yourself crave intimacy over feeling comfortable, because comfortable isn't what God invites us to be -- He invites us to be intimate. to be close.


edit: for those of you curious if i decided to sleep comfortably that night-- i didn't. i said "God, okay. lesson learned. i choose close." and i dove back under the 5,000 blankets to find my husband and lay my head on his chest ;)

confessions

i haven’t been very creative lately.

my camera’s been collecting dust. my writing notebooks have remained safely tucked away, white pages yellowing with my silence.

why has this season been so different from all my others? normally i need somewhere to exhale all my feelings but i’ve just kept them swirling behind my eyes, circling through my mind.

as i self-reflect, i suspect i’ve let my voice get lost in the vacuum of consumerism. a part of me has temporarily bought into the lie that the more lovely “things” i have, the happier i’ll be (and i call myself a missionary!)... but really i’m just selling myself to vaporous vanity. the balance between “see” and “do” has been dangerously shifted and i feel like my sense is sliding off the scale.

i write this to confess and get these thoughts off my chest. believe me when i tell you that i feel a little rotten having shelved talents that i know God has given me. the Holy Spirit has brought to mind several times the parable of the talents, gently reminding me to not bury and leave static what’s been placed in my hands but rather work it and continually invest it for the Kingdom. after all, i’m not here on this Earth for me… i’m here for Him.

so it comes down to balance. i guess i’ve struggled to encounter balance, to open windows of time that feed and encourage my creativity.

sorry, i wish this was an upbeat post written on an epiphany i’ve had lately, but.. just #KeepinItReal

i’m not at the bottom of the ravine but my i can’t say my feet are on level ground either. i’m in a creative and motivational rut, guys, and i can’t say i’ve tried hard to climb out. here’s to hoping writing this post is a step closer to the surface.

unedited journal entry, october 11

“so Spirit blow

                                                on

                                                                                   through

Spirit move

                                                              we’re ready for You”

these lyrics keep pedaling through my head, waves that wash against the shore of my brain.

all i know for sure is that i just need more of His Presence. i need to surrender more and more of my flesh and let the Spirit take more and more control. i feel like the majority of my “Christian” life i’ve really missed the boat. there’s a struggle so real in my chest, in my stomach, over my skin, that’s between my fleshly desires

[EAT. BUY. CONSUME. SEE. BE LAZY. SLEEP.]

and the desires of the Spirit restlessly rippling underneath.

[FAST. PRODUCE. RAISE MY VOICE. DANCE. SET FREE.]

i want to obey the Spirit and live against the current but it’s HARD. it’s hard because i’ve become accustomed to living in- and succumbing to- my flesh. my flesh wants to conform with what is comfortable.

but i want more. i know- i am convinced- that God designed me for more than this. do you feel that too?

He wants me to be doing, well, i would say “more than i’m doing now”, but i think that in this present moment, He wants me to be obedient to what He’s already asked me to do.

i’m reading this book by Marco Brunet that talks about intimacy with God and in one of the last chapters, it touches on the fact that perhaps God is tired of revealing His glory to those who break so easily when His glory fills them. people who lack character, those who aren’t in it for the long run, or people who are only are sustained by Him when everything’s going ideally... because when they’re brought into the desert, the pressure gets to them and they crack and break and fall apart. and this chapter closes with how we so desperately need our own personal process of the desert, that breaking of ourselves, so that what God has placed inside of us can take root and explode out, so we are capable of capturing His glory.

as i read that// the words sunk straight into my heart like a stone in still water. GOD HOW I NEED YOU, HOW I WANT TO BE BROKEN my spirit heaves. my flesh cunningly talks back you dont know what you’re asking for, it’s gonna be really painful, don’t go crazy keti stay comfortable, stay in what you’ve always known.

but i can’t.

in 2013 i took a missions trip to a rural state in Mexico, and there the Holy Spirit whispered to me this is it- there’s no going back now.

i can’t go back.

i can’t pretend like i haven’t witnessed His astounding glory and grace this year -- each and every one of my twenty-three years.

i am responsible for what i have seen.

i am responsible for what i have heard.

i am responsible for what i have experienced.

and so are you.

be it just a sliver that which we have seen, heard, and experienced, i know that in courageous faithful obedience there is much power.

and i’m not gonna shut up about it.

rainy heart// (thoughts from may/june 2016)

the sweet smell of rain fills the air and all i can hear are the heavy drops trying to break through the hard plastic roof overhead. i’m eating frozen mango and reflecting on a whole library of events that have unfolded in this past month.

but first i just want to say, i love the way things looks so fresh and cleansed after a rain storm comes through. colors are so much more alive and vibrant.

maybe that’s what we need to come alive - a real good, strong rainstorm that strips us of all the dust and dirt we’ve collected. as the last drops fall, we’re left renewed + awake + vulnerable. we start to feel the cool air with a certain clarity. the sun pierces straight through to our soft layers that rest just beneath our tough exterior. our roots are enriched and strengthened.

i want to write a little bit about my heart, or rather, the perspective i hold over my heart. for awhile now, it’s been hard for me to feel strong emotions, other than anger or frustration. love, joy, excitedness, or even missing someone aren’t feelings i experience within myself frequently. so, for a good piece of this year and the year previous, i’ve been asking God to restore my feelings, restore my heart, put in me a heart of flesh instead of one made of stone. and He has been responding.

it happened the other day. i don’t even remember where i was or what i was doing, but i do remember all of a sudden recalling an image of the scar that runs down my father’s chest- white and straight, like fierce lightning.

when i was only four years old, he had heart surgery to replace a faulty valve in his human heart, and at that age i didn’t really grasp the magnitude of the possible negative implications. 

he came out just fine, but with a very visible scar that would always remind him of that operation.

so when that image came to mind, i said to God (being hyper-sensitive to issues of the heart), “okay well, I’m guessing that’s what You want to do to me, huh? how’re You thinking of doing that?” and the answer that came back from Him made everything in me still:

“you’re going to have to go under.”

go under.

lose control.

be knocked out completely.

let the anesthetic take control.

at first i felt genuinely terrified. my mind start screaming sarcastically “i’m sorry, go under and have no idea what’s happening and not be able to wake until someone else lifts me out of the anesthesia??? nothing could possibly go wrong there...”

//sidenote: i’m much more human than I ought to be and I get much too anxious when I don’t have any control #TrustIssues.//

but after thinking through the idea and considering its currents, i’ve been finding that i want to go under, to fall deep into His Presence and not only let Him operate on and transform me there but to REMAIN there… under the anesthetic of His Presence: the only One who can sustain me, accept me for who i am, love me unconditionally and never walk out on me.

God has been so incredibly good + faithful to me, speaking sweet slices of love to me through all that surrounds me. He says “you say you haven’t seen Me face to face but I keep sending you love notes through those who surround you. those details, those gifts, those words are from Me.”

i know i’ve been missing out on so much of His incredibleness but i want to experience Him so deeply and i know the key to that is spending quality time with Him- in His Presence.

Papá, with all that i am, with all the gifts and talents You’ve given me, with all the dreams deep in my heart that are just seeds right now, with all of my thoughts, will all of my feelings, with all of my words actions footsteps touches, everything that i see, my attitudes, let me REFLECT YOU let me SERVE YOU let me HONOR YOU, great and mighty God!!

underwater

it was a sticky Saturday afternoon, and the four of us were drifting through an abandoned, artsy neighborhood. the outer walls that towered along the broken sidewalk were draped with colorful murals, and i stepped slowly letting my fingers brush over their texture. the faint sound of running water reached my ears and within a few more steps we stumbled upon a little park neatly tucked into the street’s curve. while the others took a seat, i skipped up to the fountain i had heard moments earlier, sinking my fingers into the cool water and bringing the drops up to my neck.

and that’s when i saw her.

her legs were affixed to a metal pipe two inches underwater, her wings slowdancing back and forth to the rhythm of the water’s movement. i couldn’t tell if she was alive but i knew she wasn't supposed to be there. my fingers slid under the cool water once again, tickling the butterfly's legs so she would climb up onto them. she hesitated, remaining fastened to the pipe, but with a little bit of coaxing she carefully climbed up onto my finger and i lifted her into oxygen.

the trees leaning over me were casting much-needed shadows, but i knew i needed to find sun for her to soak in and dry her wings before she did anything else. so i placed her on a sun-drenched leaf, and with nothing else left for me to do, the four of us placed the park at our backs, wandering down another street.


i didn’t really understand what God wanted to speak to me through that two-minute encounter until the other night as i was looking up at the stars in the hallway outside of my dorm.

“that butterfly is just like you, babe. you are clinging so tightly to the wrong thing. you weren’t made to be underwater - you were made to fly. let me pull you up and out into My world.”

listen to me. you were not made to remain motionless, trapped underwater. you were made to fly. God is not an anchor that keeps you still in one place, rooted in fear; He is the oxygen that courses through the air, the unpredictable gust of wind that impulses you to experience new things and fly to breath-stealing heights.


i don’t know how that butterfly wound up underwater or why it was clutching so desperately to that pipe, but i’m guessing that it flew too close to the fountain and fell in, began to struggle, and out of panic anchored itself onto something it thought was sturdy. once the feeling of panic lessened, it realized the weight of the water around it was heavier than expected, so it quit struggling and just decided to stay there.

sometimes we misinterpret an anchor for security, when truly the security suffocates instead of bringing life. 

we know it’s not ideal, but as we grow accustomed to the bearing the heaviness of lies and worries we no longer see a way out and decide to conform with where we find ourselves. 

when God pulls you out from underwater- or rather, when you let Him pull you out- it doesn’t mean that you’re immediately ready to start flying. sometimes you need to let Him take you through that process of sitting in His presence, absorbing His truth and letting Him strip away the lies and deception that you’ve let soak into you for so long.

“sit in My presence,” He says to me. “you were created to fly, but first you need to sit in My presence.”

this is where i’m at right now. sitting in His presence and being reminded of my true identity.