fear & what's been happening in our city lately

so much of what I’ve been hearing about Mexico, about Puebla, about our own NEIGHBORHOOD lately, has made me want to pull and say “you know what?” i’m done. it’s back to the US for me.” drug trafficking taking over zones of the city, a gang of sex traffickers operating the next neighborhood over, people dumping lifeless bodies of girls and boys just ten blocks away from our small, homey apartment. even as i write i feel the dark wisps of fear snaking around me, waiting for a weak moment to vacuum themselves into my mind. my heart weighs heavy with so much devastating news and knowledge that was never mine to bear but carries it nonetheless. Mexico- a country so beautiful, so rich in resources, so generous in hospitality, so loyal in its family ties- is sagging beneath the weight of so much evil and darkness. there’s such a black cloud over Mexico right now, and my flesh and emotions cause conflict within me, stirring desires to run back across the line of safety, like a game of Capture the Flag with much higher stakes. morbid ancestral traditions swirled in with modern day wickedness brews together to spawn a bleak present for Mexico, and sometimes it feels like the darkness won’t be stopped from spreading. 

all this becomes terribly and exceedingly overwhelming… until i stop and shift my focus to remember Who already looked darkness in the eye and brought Light forth to reveal it was nothing more than a powerless shadow… He Who already went to the place of deepest unescapable despair and completely stripped it of its power. my Jesus descended to the grave and broke forth from it to tell me the grave would no longer have any dominion over me. He came back to impulse me to open wide my arms and remind all those whom I encounter that there is something more to this life: a tremendous beauty hidden behind the thick fog of tragic heartache, that the love they seek and desire is waiting to be discovered and accepted, that they have a purpose so unique so vital, that there is a better way, that death is not something to fear. even i must be reminded of this at times.

i know i have been called here [to Mexico], and perhaps even for such a time as this, even if i don't feel quite as valiant as Queen Esther, or as a wise Judge Deborah. fear is my biggest enemy, but i will not let it be my king.

friends, would you pray for us? and more importantly, for our beloved Mexico, our beloved Puebla? for peace to settle in our hearts and in our neighborhoods. for courage to win, for the love of Jesus to be released over every street and every heart, no matter the cost.

loving the broken

/written one month ago./

a nineteen year old woman came undone in my arms last night as she listened to my husband prophesy over her-- and that brought into crystal-clear realization WHY we’re doing what we’re doing.

God’s the only One who can give her answers, and He used the two of us last night to proclaim truth and love into her soul. i felt her as her tears saturated my shirt sleeve and dribbled down my arms like soft rain on windowpanes; i gripped my arms around her tight as her body wracked, then caved under the weight of years of pain and sorrow. we prayed freedom over her mind, for the breaking of chains keeping her captive in darkness.

the smile that emerged at the end of the night was worth venturing deep into vulnerability and brokenness, but we know it doesn't stop there. her process and healing continues, and so does my responsibility -- to follow up, to continue the conversation, to intercede on her behalf, to demonstrate that my Father loves her desperately and holds her freedom in His heart and hands.

you and me, friend, we were created to literally embody God’s love for others-- why is that often the last thing we do? the Bible says that others will know we are followers of Jesus because of our love… not primordially because of the quality of the sermons, or our small groups, or our numbers, whatever you want to insert there, but principally because of our LOVE.

Body of Christ… how much longer must we submit ourselves (and willingly!) to competition or comparison, to envy and gossip, to looking down on others, when what we are really doing is opening ourselves up to the enemy, to let him sew seeds of hate: the very opposite of our calling? i know i’ve had to examine my heart during the past few weeks and uproot all the lies and strategies i’d let the enemy seed in my heart as he’d hoped to weed out the love… and i'm not talking about just any love here, but powerful love of the perfect Father: the love that casts out all fear, the love that “is patient, is kind. The love that does not envy, does not boast, is not proud… does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs… does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The love that never fails.”

brothers and sisters,

are we manifesting and cultivating the very love Jesus said would distinguish us from the rest?

uprooting

the other night God began to speak to me about uprooted trees.

Matthew 13:31-32

Jesus put before them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed that a man planted in his field. Although it is the smallest of all seeds, yet it grows into the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and nest in its branches.”

sometimes He uproots us because there’s other places that He needs us to be- other places that are in desperate need of what God has imparted to us: the cool shade, the branches to rest in, the fruit to pluck and savor and be fed from, the trunk to lean against. they specifically need us- this certain tree- in their lives for a particular season, and of course for the tree it’s never easy being dug out; it’s never easy for our roots not to be sunk into earth we know, dangling in the air while moved to a new site, exposed to the hot sun and frigid evenings while we transition and move, then settling those roots into foreign dirt, re-acclimating to the climate, acquainting with new forestry.

but the point is, the tree doesn’t exist for itself. we don’t exist for ourselves- to give ourselves life- to be content with ourselves or our environment. we exist so that God might give us of His life to give and impart that life to others- in whatever soil we find our roots wound down into. God has us grow in specific places so that we may be ready and prepared for the next site in which He wants to plant us.

reason vs faith

Reason says, “what are you constructing such a huge Ark for? How do you expect to gather so many animals onto it? Sure, it rains hard, but it could never rain so much so that the entire earth floods. quit wasting your time, your years, into building something that you’ll never use.”

Faith says, Jesus says, “I asked you to build this. Even though you don’t see any clouds, continue gathering wood, continue hammering, continue investing in what I have asked of you. You are My son and I will not let you be put to shame for believing with Me. I am with you.”

Reason says, “you are doing just fine here. Why do you need to pick up and leave for another land you’ve never even heard of? Dont disturb your wife, your family, your riches. Stay in this land that you’ve always known.”

Faith says, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

Reason says, "Pregnant? At your age? You are well past your child-bearing years. Laugh bitterly, because that sounds like a bad joke. You aren't able to have kids. They're making fun of you."

Faith says, "You will be blessed above all people, and there will not be female barren among you. Consider me faithful to complete the promise given you. I am not a man that I should lie, or son of man that I should repent. For me, nothing is impossible, daughter."

Reason says, “There is no way you can kill this giant. You’re not even part of the army. You’re the youngest brother, the often-forgotten one. Taking care of harmless, puny sheep has been your biggest responsibility. If the other soldiers are too afraid to kill Goliath, and they have all the correct armor and weapons, then it’s impossible that you ever could, and even more so with a dumb rock. Turn around; you’re powerless.”

Faith says, “That righteous anger that stirs inside of you is not just a feeling; I want you to act on it. I am with you. I have prepared you for this moment. You think your time in the fields defending your sheep against lions and wolves doesn’t mean anything? Of course it does. I know what I was doing when I created you and made you the youngest. Stand up against this giant; I am with you. I will give you the victory.” 

Reason says, “It’s not possible to become pregnant being a virgin. Do you really think people will believe that you’ve become impregnated by God? Are you stupid? You are causing incredible dishonor and embarrassment to your family and even more so to your fiancee. You’re a disgrace. Why throw away the good relationship you had with them? Your fiancee will leave you and you’ll never be married.”

Faith says, “Daughter, I have chosen you to bring My beloved Son into this world. I have found something so special in you that I want you to be the one who bears Him and mothers Him. It won’t be easy but I will be with you. Bring My Jesus into this world. Don’t abort this little one; carry this baby, carry this dream to full term, and it will become more than you have ever imagined in your wildest dreams.”

Reason says, “Why would you follow a stranger that calls out to you to follow him? He could be a demonized lunatic for all you know. Stay with what you already know, keep doing what you’ve always done. There’s security in safety in that. You’re a good fisherman, you have enough to eat, you earn a good living: what more do you need? Let him find someone else.”

Faith says, “Follow Me and I will show you your real identity, your real purpose, your true destiny. Leave everything you’ve known behind and learn a new way to live. I promise I won’t leave you in the process; I’ll be with you in every moment.”

Reason says, “There’s no way you can feed 5,000+ people gathered on these hills. There’s no nearby towns to buy food and even if there was, no one has enough money to purchase sufficient food. You have scraps of bread in your pocket; keep it for yourself. At least you’ll be able to fill your stomach. Look out for yourself first.”

Faith says,“Place all that you have, even if it isn’t much, into My hands. I promise that My word will not return void. Your investment into My kingdom will not return void. With these five loaves and three fish, I will make sure everyone has enough to eat: you will even be picking up extra baskets of food after everyone is full: that is how much I will give.

Reason says, “Your leader is dead. The last three years of your life have been wasted following a teacher who is now wrapped in linen lying within a cold tomb. Go home. I told you it would have been better to ignore Him and continue being a fisherman. This is the end of His influence on this earth.”

Faith says,  “Wait on Me. Things are not as they seem. Although what you see with your eyes is perceived as hopeless, dark, and without remedy, I am working behind the scenes. I am fighting for your blessing, your healing, your deliverance, your place in Heaven alongside me. Wait on Me. I am resurrecting and with more power than you could ever imagine.”

Reason says, “Why do you keep preaching? The people are getting angry, they don’t want to listen anymore. You’re too radical. You’re too passionate. No one believes in this message you share. Close your mouth before they kill you. Keep your beliefs under wrap; you don’t need to talk about what you believe or who your Savior is. Save yourself and keep quiet.”

Faith says, “Raise your eyes to the heavens. I am your hope. These trials and tribulations will fade to mere silliness next to the light of My glory. I have given you a specific assignation and I delight in your passion to impart My love and My redemption to others. Although everyone else rejects you, My son, I accept you and I love you deeper than you can imagine.”

Much of the time, reason is the voice of our flesh piping up and trying to convince us that what our spirit longs to do is nonsense, a waste of our time, a un-needed sacrifice, that it can wait for later, that people will look at us funny. Reason makes excuses for our agenda to take importance and priority over our Father’s agenda. Our flesh and spirit are at a constant battle and so many times we let natural reason squish and stomp out our spirit’s longing to bring something supernatural to this earth. My husband once said, [as we can see through so much of Scripture] “The Holy Spirit is not seeking people who need to reason everything, or those who need to find logic in what He asks. He is seeking people who are obedient.” How much of the Holy Scriptures we read would be drastically changed had Noah listened to and obeyed the voice of reason telling him to forget this 100-year-long project? ...had David decided that the weight of what was against him was more powerful than the Creator of the world who was for him? ...had Mary decided that rejection and ridicule wasn’t worth carrying the Savior of the world? ...had Stephen shut up and no longer preached the gospel of Jesus?

The future of this generation- the history that we are writing, the chapter that corresponds to us- depends heavily on our obedience. Let us take refuge in the stories of our spiritual ancestors who have chosen to paddle upstream against human logic, trusting in currents they couldn’t see to bring them to where God wanted them to be. I can hear some of you saying “But how am I supposed to know when to follow human logic and when to disregard it?” I asked that question for years, and often put logic as supreme to God (consciously or unconsciously). Discernment is key, my friends: listening to God’s voice, recognizing the sound of His voice, and then following that (see John 10:27). And how do we get there? Intimacy with Him. What is the common denominator between all the people mentioned above who fought against reason? They were friends of God. They spent time in His Presence, getting to know Him, witnessing His power and Majesty, understanding how good of a Father He is to His children, receiving the deep and vast love He has for His children.

If we don’t have intimacy with our Father, how will we recognize His voice? How will we know what are the desires of His heart? How will we know our identity as His children, as His friends? How will we be able to say yes when He asks us to do something that our minds can’t comprehend? Take time to be alone with your loving Father today, and listen to His heart and then pour out yours.  Close your ears to the voice of reason and doubt and instead open them to the voice of Truth. I promise He will never disappoint; He will make good on His promises.

i never thought i could leave...

disclaimer: this "exhalation" found its way out of me one evening in the wee morning hours - the first sentence kept echoing in my brain and i knew i needed to let it out and write the sentences that followed. it is in no way a bashing or criticism of my last season, but rather a "now i understand" piece that i hope offers hope to those finding themselves in a similar situation, wherever that may be. 

--

i never thought i could leave EV. i couldn’t see myself doing anything else, precisely because i didn’t know anything else. while there i thought i had reached the summit of service but i have to be honest, i couldn’t stomach the thought of “this is all there is.”

even when alexis and i informed my bosses of our new plans and my last day, i couldn’t believe i was doing it. i certainly couldn’t envision what was up ahead and couldn’t imagine that i’d find an equally close-knit community elsewhere. 

i look back and know that the Holy Spirit collected all my tears of not understanding, of leaving behind, of starting over from Zero once again. truth is, i’d become comfortable. i didn’t want to have to transition again, make new friends, start from scratch, learn new worship songs, and be PUSHED into action. office work from 9 to 5 was easy enough and not much was demanded from me spiritually. 

i can now testify - there is life, and life in abundance, in this new season. i didn’t want to put the period at the end of my last chapter because i was familiar with it: i knew how that story would continue. but God knew it was time for final punctuation and a new capital letter on an untouched page of white. “Jump, my love,” He whispered. “Cross the page, and let Me write again. I am the best Author, after all.”

to say i leapt is exaggerating - truthfully i feel as though i crept and then tumbled down into the crevice where the two sheets of paper meet. i got stuck there for awhile, pressed between two seasons, the valley that one often trips into when leaving one thing behind to embrace another. it was difficult to gather the strength to climb out between the two pages, but little by little i have been able to pick up speed all thanks to the Holy Spirit never leaving me and always reminding me of what is waiting on the next page, and all the pages we have left to write, the stories He wants to share using my ink. 

so i’m climbing out friends - and honestly it’s been more of a clamber than a climb; i’m clumsy and a bit rusted in things that should have been more well-oiled, but i am making it out and upward. after five plus months we have found true friends, valuable spiritual guidance from our pastors, a mentor who’s always checking up on us, solid spiritual leadership training classes, and much more blessings than we could have expected. has it been hard? yes. have we had to sacrifice our comfort often? yes. but in sacrificing comfort and our agenda we’ve found where we’re supposed to be: in God’s will. and in this place i feel so much more free to be the wild woman i was created to be. 

so my advice to you is this: don’t stay in one place just because you don’t know where else you’d go— that’s how people become trapped. let the Father direct your seasons in His timing and prepare yourself to move with the currents of His wind when it blows you in a new direction. fear of the unknown is never a good reason to stay where you are and consequently stop growing. God’s plans have been mapped out since before you were spoken into existence; lean into and obey that same Voice every time it speaks and you will always be where He wants you to be: aligned with His will.

unclogging the shower filter

for the past two months, showering has been way less satisfying than it normally is, and let me tell you why: imagine taking a shower in luke-warm water with only six measly streams cautiously leaving the showerhead to feather down your body. it sounds like something you don't even have TIME for. i didn't really realize how different our shower was from everyone else's until i stayed at an airbnb in Miami for a women's conference two weeks ago (more on that later!) and showered in what could have easily been interchanged for a fire hydrant. translation: it was so, so lovely. how i had taken water pressure for granted!

our showering experience for the past two months

several nights ago, we had family over and alexis and i decided to take apart our shower filter to see if we could improve the showering experience for our guests. lo and behold, with the whole head removed and nothing detaining the water, it rushed out much more decidedly! so alexis and i knew that something was going on with the actual head attachment, and upon closer scrutiny, there was a thin layer of dark green mineral backup on the filter's crosshatch (where the water went in), found as well on more than half the tiny water exits (where the water came out). with an old toothbrush and our fingernails, we sloughed off all the mineral backup that we could see. hoping for the best, we screwed in the shower head again and what do you know, there was ACTUAL water pressure coming from the ENTIRE thing! needless to say, showering has been much better since.

forty minutes after we resolved the shower issue, the Holy Spirit spoke and i understood. this was a visual representation of what needed to be done in the both of us: a detoxification, a decontamination, a thorough cleansing of buildup that had accumulated over the past months and years and kept us from letting God flow through us as freely as He wants to. sometimes certain beliefs, actions, traditions, or thought patterns that we incorporate into our daily life and routine can truly hinder the Holy Spirit from moving through us and using us, and the result is ugly. check out what Jesus says about this:

"You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean." Matthew 23:26, ESV

here Jesus paints a pretty clear picture that even if we look great on the outside and appear to have it all together, it's what's INSIDE that counts. if the inside of your rose-gold coffee mug isn't clean, you're going to want to wash it first before you drink out of it. if only dribbles of water are coming out of your sparkling silver shower head, you're going to want to check out what's inside blocking the water before you take a shower (unless you're me, and you're too blind to recognize the problem until someone else points it out!) (yes, i just compared myself to the blind Pharisee, so if you think i am here pointing fingers, i'm mostly just pointing fingers at myself #RealTalk).

this whole process [of leaving familiarity to jump into the unknown] has been a big reset and cleansing for me: spiritually, emotionally, mentally. it hasn't been easy. as the showerhead, i've fought the toothbrush, not wanting to let go of all the residue that's become so comfortably a part of me, even beginning to believe the lie that whispered "you don't want more Water to flow through you, you're just fine how you are!"

but it's time, folks. it's time to forget the lies, the dirt we've accumulated over the years, the opinions of others, past traumas that we've let dictate our present, and allow the Holy Spirit to come in with His plumbing tools and give us a thorough purification treatment, removing all doctrines, actions, words, choices, entertainment, relationships, thoughts, etc. that do not permit Him to flow through us as He has desired. and most importantly? once He's done that - besides being grateful to Him - we should do our best to preserve that new purity that He's given us. if we immediately let those things back in that He's already sloughed away, then what's the point of Him cleaning?

exhaling the silence // update

i've been off the grid for awhile, been in a bit of a writing slump for much longer, and quite honestly every time i tried to write this blog post it just didn't come out sounding the way i wanted it to. this post probably won't either but it's time to write it anyways. :)

a month ago, i served my last day at Esperanza Viva with Living Hope International. it was tearful yet hopeful, as often are the new adventures that God calls you to. the day was bittersweet, finally arriving at the culmination of my past five years there, knowing that my last page in that chapter was being closed, the period drying and no longer able to be smudged into a comma.

like any end of a chapter has, there was backstory, some of it intentionally left out by the protagonist (yours truly) and other parts written between the lines, but to boil it all down for you: alexis and i knew there was something dawning on the horizon even before we got married, however we were unsure of exactly what was arising. with the passing of time and as we talked with God, what we began to see coming into focus was the closing of a season, namely, with EV and the community we had built; and that doors were being opened for us to enter into a new season with another local church and ministry.

you can imagine our discomfort and hesitance at first as we thought through all we would leave behind- serving alongside beautiful friends, serving on an awesome multimedia team at church, interacting with broken yet beautiful children, a wonderfully built and organized organization and community that loves God... all to head into the [semi] unknown and basically push "restart" on all the aforementioned. but God continued calling, continued confirming, continued encouraging, and continued loving. so we made the decision to leave EV in late March and begin attending a new church, Generation of Impacting the Kingdom, to continue sharing God's love, investing in His Kingdom, and preparing and equipping ourselves to be the missionaries he's called us to be!


what has that looked like for us in the past month? semi-wild, to be honest :) a few highlights were:

-a good friend from Sauk high school came to visit us for four days on spring break (less than a week after i left EV!). the whole visit was completely orchestrated by God, and the last night we were all in tears as she accepted Jesus and He spoke words of life over her

-we've been attending Biblical leadership classes each Saturday as we prepare ourselves to become small group leaders in the next few months (the super cool thing about it is that you have to evangelize to others who you then invite to your small group and follow up with, thus reaching out to more and more people in your community and neighborhood with Jesus' love and power!)

-we've also been attending weekly family/marriage classes that emphasize and focus on strengthening the family dynamic and all that God intended it to be!!! (i added so many exclamation points because i just really enjoy it)


alexis and i have had extra time (which has been very special!) to be together and pray, read the Word, and prepare ourselves for what is upcoming this year. we are trusting God and are confident that we are in the right place at the right time to continue being missionaries and lovers of God just as He's called us to be. as we become more involved in this ministry, we are hoping to open a small group in the next couple months, serve more in our church, travel to outlying communities more often to share the word of God with small groups linked to our church, and dedicate more time reaching out to and investing in the people around us (which really means- old friends from Alexis' past that are lost and searching in the wrong areas; people on the street that need a transformation that only God can give them; spending time with and encouraging new and old believers alike; etc). i will continue to be operating as a full-time missionary and we're praying over a part-time job for Alexis as his heart is deeply rooted in serving God as well.

this new adventure is just beginning and already we've been so blown away by God's grace, love, and power this last month. <3

close or comfortable?

my husband and i have been married for four months now (i know- so many things happened in this lapse of not writing!), and in that short time, we have noticed huge differences between us. not even so much cultural​, but just personal preference. i'm convinced he is cold-blooded because in order to sleep at night, he has to be covered with at least two blankets over his flannel pj's and socks. me on the other hand?​ i sleep as if it were summer all year-round, and can only handle a sheet and maybe a thin blanket to tuck me in. so, on any given night after 11 pm, either i'm laying under the covers sweating, or he's freezing with not enough blankets.. we're still trying to uncover best way to balance covers and comfortableness (go figure that this was going to be such an important area of our lives to figure out!).

my mom sent down stringlights from the States so our house could feel homey- she's the best! :)

a week or two ago, i was laying in bed t i r e d. it was 11:27 pm and i still hadn't fallen asleep, and couldn't get comfortable next to his dreaming body. so i put twelve inches of dead air between us, pushed 3 layers of blankets over him, and laid comfortably under one sheet. and waited.

​sleep didn't come though; it rarely does in less than forty minutes, due to the heavy volume of thought processing my mind does in the evening hours.​ as my thoughts spun imaginary tapestries, an interrupting sentence entered from nowhere

do you want to be close? or comfortable?

immediately i could feel that this was both multi-leveled and from the Holy Spirit.

close? or comfortable?

​did i want to be close to my husband, even though it meant feeling like i had a fever because of the mass amount of blankets? even though his flesh and bones weren't as comfortable and soft as a fluffy pillow? ​even though sometimes my limbs are bent at awkward angles?

or did i prefer to forego intimacy to sleep comfortably?

now before some of you start saying "yeah sweetheart, you say that because you've been married for less than 150 days, when life starts to get real you'll understand the importance of a comfortable night's sleep".. hear me out, because it isn't exactly the point. try it phrased like this..

do i want to be close to God, even though it can mean feeling like i'm melting in the midst of a blazing furnace? even though being close to Him isn't as comfortable as simply lifting my gaze away from the homeless and poor, instead of stopping, looking into their eyes, and offering them something more? even though sometimes i feel more stretched than my human skin can handle?

or do i want to be comfortable, putting just enough space between me and Him so that it's harder for Him to touch me?

when my head is on Alexis' chest, i can hear his heart beat. my head rises and falls as it follows the path of oxygen in and out of his lungs. it is not the most comfortable, but it is the most beautiful, and the most intimate.

when i choose to draw close to my Father, to hear the rhythm of His heartbeat, it is not always so comfortable. sometimes it means not going straight home to our warm house to eat a nice dinner, but to stop in the middle of the street and pray for my husband while he ministers to the homeless guy who washes windshields to pay for dinner with the few pesos he earns. sometimes it means inviting over a girl to stay the night when you'd much rather have your privacy. sometimes it means opening up and speaking your deepest questions to someone else because that brings so much more freedom than hiding it does. sometimes it means letting the Holy Spirit wake you up in the middle of the night to pray for friends and family when you'd much rather sleep until your alarm sounds.

but being close to the heart of God, although not often comfortable, is the most beautiful and the most intimate.

so whether you're cold blooded and crave blankets, or warm blooded and crave the cool air, let yourself crave intimacy over feeling comfortable, because comfortable isn't what God invites us to be -- He invites us to be intimate. to be close.


edit: for those of you curious if i decided to sleep comfortably that night-- i didn't. i said "God, okay. lesson learned. i choose close." and i dove back under the 5,000 blankets to find my husband and lay my head on his chest ;)

confessions

i haven’t been very creative lately.

my camera’s been collecting dust. my writing notebooks have remained safely tucked away, white pages yellowing with my silence.

why has this season been so different from all my others? normally i need somewhere to exhale all my feelings but i’ve just kept them swirling behind my eyes, circling through my mind.

as i self-reflect, i suspect i’ve let my voice get lost in the vacuum of consumerism. a part of me has temporarily bought into the lie that the more lovely “things” i have, the happier i’ll be (and i call myself a missionary!)... but really i’m just selling myself to vaporous vanity. the balance between “see” and “do” has been dangerously shifted and i feel like my sense is sliding off the scale.

i write this to confess and get these thoughts off my chest. believe me when i tell you that i feel a little rotten having shelved talents that i know God has given me. the Holy Spirit has brought to mind several times the parable of the talents, gently reminding me to not bury and leave static what’s been placed in my hands but rather work it and continually invest it for the Kingdom. after all, i’m not here on this Earth for me… i’m here for Him.

so it comes down to balance. i guess i’ve struggled to encounter balance, to open windows of time that feed and encourage my creativity.

sorry, i wish this was an upbeat post written on an epiphany i’ve had lately, but.. just #KeepinItReal

i’m not at the bottom of the ravine but my i can’t say my feet are on level ground either. i’m in a creative and motivational rut, guys, and i can’t say i’ve tried hard to climb out. here’s to hoping writing this post is a step closer to the surface.

unedited journal entry, october 11

“so Spirit blow

                                                on

                                                                                   through

Spirit move

                                                              we’re ready for You”

these lyrics keep pedaling through my head, waves that wash against the shore of my brain.

all i know for sure is that i just need more of His Presence. i need to surrender more and more of my flesh and let the Spirit take more and more control. i feel like the majority of my “Christian” life i’ve really missed the boat. there’s a struggle so real in my chest, in my stomach, over my skin, that’s between my fleshly desires

[EAT. BUY. CONSUME. SEE. BE LAZY. SLEEP.]

and the desires of the Spirit restlessly rippling underneath.

[FAST. PRODUCE. RAISE MY VOICE. DANCE. SET FREE.]

i want to obey the Spirit and live against the current but it’s HARD. it’s hard because i’ve become accustomed to living in- and succumbing to- my flesh. my flesh wants to conform with what is comfortable.

but i want more. i know- i am convinced- that God designed me for more than this. do you feel that too?

He wants me to be doing, well, i would say “more than i’m doing now”, but i think that in this present moment, He wants me to be obedient to what He’s already asked me to do.

i’m reading this book by Marco Brunet that talks about intimacy with God and in one of the last chapters, it touches on the fact that perhaps God is tired of revealing His glory to those who break so easily when His glory fills them. people who lack character, those who aren’t in it for the long run, or people who are only are sustained by Him when everything’s going ideally... because when they’re brought into the desert, the pressure gets to them and they crack and break and fall apart. and this chapter closes with how we so desperately need our own personal process of the desert, that breaking of ourselves, so that what God has placed inside of us can take root and explode out, so we are capable of capturing His glory.

as i read that// the words sunk straight into my heart like a stone in still water. GOD HOW I NEED YOU, HOW I WANT TO BE BROKEN my spirit heaves. my flesh cunningly talks back you dont know what you’re asking for, it’s gonna be really painful, don’t go crazy keti stay comfortable, stay in what you’ve always known.

but i can’t.

in 2013 i took a missions trip to a rural state in Mexico, and there the Holy Spirit whispered to me this is it- there’s no going back now.

i can’t go back.

i can’t pretend like i haven’t witnessed His astounding glory and grace this year -- each and every one of my twenty-three years.

i am responsible for what i have seen.

i am responsible for what i have heard.

i am responsible for what i have experienced.

and so are you.

be it just a sliver that which we have seen, heard, and experienced, i know that in courageous faithful obedience there is much power.

and i’m not gonna shut up about it.

rainy heart// (thoughts from may/june 2016)

the sweet smell of rain fills the air and all i can hear are the heavy drops trying to break through the hard plastic roof overhead. i’m eating frozen mango and reflecting on a whole library of events that have unfolded in this past month.

but first i just want to say, i love the way things looks so fresh and cleansed after a rain storm comes through. colors are so much more alive and vibrant.

maybe that’s what we need to come alive - a real good, strong rainstorm that strips us of all the dust and dirt we’ve collected. as the last drops fall, we’re left renewed + awake + vulnerable. we start to feel the cool air with a certain clarity. the sun pierces straight through to our soft layers that rest just beneath our tough exterior. our roots are enriched and strengthened.

i want to write a little bit about my heart, or rather, the perspective i hold over my heart. for awhile now, it’s been hard for me to feel strong emotions, other than anger or frustration. love, joy, excitedness, or even missing someone aren’t feelings i experience within myself frequently. so, for a good piece of this year and the year previous, i’ve been asking God to restore my feelings, restore my heart, put in me a heart of flesh instead of one made of stone. and He has been responding.

it happened the other day. i don’t even remember where i was or what i was doing, but i do remember all of a sudden recalling an image of the scar that runs down my father’s chest- white and straight, like fierce lightning.

when i was only four years old, he had heart surgery to replace a faulty valve in his human heart, and at that age i didn’t really grasp the magnitude of the possible negative implications. 

he came out just fine, but with a very visible scar that would always remind him of that operation.

so when that image came to mind, i said to God (being hyper-sensitive to issues of the heart), “okay well, I’m guessing that’s what You want to do to me, huh? how’re You thinking of doing that?” and the answer that came back from Him made everything in me still:

“you’re going to have to go under.”

go under.

lose control.

be knocked out completely.

let the anesthetic take control.

at first i felt genuinely terrified. my mind start screaming sarcastically “i’m sorry, go under and have no idea what’s happening and not be able to wake until someone else lifts me out of the anesthesia??? nothing could possibly go wrong there...”

//sidenote: i’m much more human than I ought to be and I get much too anxious when I don’t have any control #TrustIssues.//

but after thinking through the idea and considering its currents, i’ve been finding that i want to go under, to fall deep into His Presence and not only let Him operate on and transform me there but to REMAIN there… under the anesthetic of His Presence: the only One who can sustain me, accept me for who i am, love me unconditionally and never walk out on me.

God has been so incredibly good + faithful to me, speaking sweet slices of love to me through all that surrounds me. He says “you say you haven’t seen Me face to face but I keep sending you love notes through those who surround you. those details, those gifts, those words are from Me.”

i know i’ve been missing out on so much of His incredibleness but i want to experience Him so deeply and i know the key to that is spending quality time with Him- in His Presence.

Papá, with all that i am, with all the gifts and talents You’ve given me, with all the dreams deep in my heart that are just seeds right now, with all of my thoughts, will all of my feelings, with all of my words actions footsteps touches, everything that i see, my attitudes, let me REFLECT YOU let me SERVE YOU let me HONOR YOU, great and mighty God!!

underwater

it was a sticky Saturday afternoon, and the four of us were drifting through an abandoned, artsy neighborhood. the outer walls that towered along the broken sidewalk were draped with colorful murals, and i stepped slowly letting my fingers brush over their texture. the faint sound of running water reached my ears and within a few more steps we stumbled upon a little park neatly tucked into the street’s curve. while the others took a seat, i skipped up to the fountain i had heard moments earlier, sinking my fingers into the cool water and bringing the drops up to my neck.

and that’s when i saw her.

her legs were affixed to a metal pipe two inches underwater, her wings slowdancing back and forth to the rhythm of the water’s movement. i couldn’t tell if she was alive but i knew she wasn't supposed to be there. my fingers slid under the cool water once again, tickling the butterfly's legs so she would climb up onto them. she hesitated, remaining fastened to the pipe, but with a little bit of coaxing she carefully climbed up onto my finger and i lifted her into oxygen.

the trees leaning over me were casting much-needed shadows, but i knew i needed to find sun for her to soak in and dry her wings before she did anything else. so i placed her on a sun-drenched leaf, and with nothing else left for me to do, the four of us placed the park at our backs, wandering down another street.


i didn’t really understand what God wanted to speak to me through that two-minute encounter until the other night as i was looking up at the stars in the hallway outside of my dorm.

“that butterfly is just like you, babe. you are clinging so tightly to the wrong thing. you weren’t made to be underwater - you were made to fly. let me pull you up and out into My world.”

listen to me. you were not made to remain motionless, trapped underwater. you were made to fly. God is not an anchor that keeps you still in one place, rooted in fear; He is the oxygen that courses through the air, the unpredictable gust of wind that impulses you to experience new things and fly to breath-stealing heights.


i don’t know how that butterfly wound up underwater or why it was clutching so desperately to that pipe, but i’m guessing that it flew too close to the fountain and fell in, began to struggle, and out of panic anchored itself onto something it thought was sturdy. once the feeling of panic lessened, it realized the weight of the water around it was heavier than expected, so it quit struggling and just decided to stay there.

sometimes we misinterpret an anchor for security, when truly the security suffocates instead of bringing life. 

we know it’s not ideal, but as we grow accustomed to the bearing the heaviness of lies and worries we no longer see a way out and decide to conform with where we find ourselves. 

when God pulls you out from underwater- or rather, when you let Him pull you out- it doesn’t mean that you’re immediately ready to start flying. sometimes you need to let Him take you through that process of sitting in His presence, absorbing His truth and letting Him strip away the lies and deception that you’ve let soak into you for so long.

“sit in My presence,” He says to me. “you were created to fly, but first you need to sit in My presence.”

this is where i’m at right now. sitting in His presence and being reminded of my true identity. 

whispers of south sudan

never in my wildest dreams would i have imagined that one day i would travel overseas to see South Sudan. but last April, that’s just what i did. a year before, in 2014, God had begun whispering into my heart through all sorts of mediums: news, magazines, the ministry, even my dreams. but even three, four months before we left Mexican ground, i still wasn’t sure it was going to happen. our lives could be at risk due to the constant, and increasing, civil/tribal warring. yet as the date came closer, God was opening our vision little by little, showing us that indeed He was leading us straight on to South Sudan.

i was not prepared for that trip. sure, my suitcases were ready, but i kept having reccuring dreams that i was at the airport ready to board when i realized i had forgotten something, and could no longer go. our team of four mission-minded souls began to get together and pray several mornings of the weeks leading up to our departure.

so finally, after nine months of uncertainty over whether i could go due to changing dates or changing safety status, i was embarking on a trip to a country that God had started whispering into my heart a year previous. i could hardly believe it. the four of us quietly left Mexico City at 10:00 am, to arrive in the beautiful, warring African country of South Sudan 45 hours later. 

the flights were long and difficult (at times), but i won’t forget my happiness when we finally stepped out onto the African earth. we’d waited so long for this. we’d spent so much for this. we’d prayed for this. leaving the airplane behind me, the African wind swept over me, welcoming me to another world, embracing my heart and desire and expectancy for all that this trip would hold.

our days there were slow and sweet and rich. we spent time with both the children and the missionary staff, learning a little bit about their stories and what made their hearts beat. it was so different than from when I first visited to Mexico. in South Sudan, almost everyone speaks Arabic, and I was completely lost between all the diverse dialects. luckily, English is becoming more prevalent and we were able to converse with many of the children and staff. 

each child at the two orphanages we visited had only three outfits, the majority of them already ripped and coming apart at the seams. but despite their lack of material things and all the tragedies they had lived through, these children at the orphanage had so much joy. they were so inexplicably happy and so many were eager to learn new things, excited to meet and play with new visitors and share with them and learn from them. they were so different from the outside children in the villages, and the obvious reason was God.

Sunday, one of the most quiet yet beautiful girls

one of the coolest parts of being there was that we had multiple opportunities to share devotionals and testimonies with the children, and we really tried to take advantage of those times. although sometimes stretching with the language and culture barrier, God spoke to us and gave us specific stories and words to share with them each day. i was amazed at how He used us during those times to bring words of hope to these kids living in such a broken country. 

there was one day when i had no idea what to share with them. right before we began walking down the dirt road to the school, God put song lyrics on my mind “Your love casts out all fear”, and just like that,  a devotional began to download in my mind that spoke against being afraid and truly trusting in Him for the victory. the girl with whom i was going to give the devotional told me that God was telling her to share about not being afraid as well. it was something so simple but yet so awesome that God spoke to us about the same topic but in different ways, and as we shared with the kids, i knew God was at work in their hearts.

we spent only one Sunday at the orphanage, and i was amazed that their worship team was made up of pure children. several were playing drums, others dancing and singing. it was so simplistic, stripped raw of electric guitar and complex drumsets, but yet so vibrant and so joyful. God sometimes uses those we don’t see as very capable; He uses them because He sees a willing heart and a readiness to be instruments for Him.

i was impacted by so many things during that trip, and i wish i could share them here. but i think the most important thing that happened to me from the trip to South Sudan was what happened to me when i returned. i actually thought that nothing had happened, that South Sudan hadn’t changed me at all and my life was just gonna be the same. but I quickly realized something. indeed, South Sudan hadn’t changed me. God changed me while i was in South Sudan. i was different. i had more confidence in myself and was beginning to trust God more and pray to Him more. 

i just had this overall sense of being awakened.

it’s like i was underwater before, and all of a sudden someone started pushing me toward the surface. 

in a matter of no time my neck was above the waterline, choking on oxygen I’d never before tasted. my eyes are slowly opening, 

changing aperture and trying to focus on the blurry moving landscape surrounding me.

i thank God for such an incredible opportunity to see life through a sharper lens, putting into perspective the way i live and love for Him. if there’s one thing i’ve learned, its this: it’s not so much travelling to faraway place so that place and experience can change you, but moreso having a heart that is willing to open and be vulnerable so that God is able to come in and awaken you to the life He’s calling you to live.